"Hey, I'm not that bad!"

an open letter from cigarettes (to be read in the style of James Gandolfini)


Hey kid.

Yeah, you.

Yeah. You know me?

What do you mean, “What?” I asked if you fuckin’ know me. How hard of a question is that? You been actin’ all day like you don’t fuckin’ know me, like we haven’t been together for the past five fuckin’ years, so I’m asking you again. Do you know me?





Jesus Christ, you know what? If you’re gonna look at me like that, then I don’t have time for you. Do you understand me? I don’t have time for you.

Oh, what, now you’ve gotta have this big fuckin’ attitude all of a sudden? Huh? You’re the Big Shot around here now, right? Huh?


What did you just say to me?

You don’t need me?

No, I’m not laughing at you, I just wanna hear you say it again.

Come on, just say it again, okay?

Oh, that’s beautiful. That’s fuckin’ beautiful.

Okay, tough guy. I’d like to see how you do without me. No, you’ve stated your point, so I’m just gonna leave you alone and let you live your sweet little life without me, okay? So, starting right now… I’m just not a part of your life anymore, okay? You’ve obviously thought about this, and you’ve put a lot of time into—

I’m sorry. I’m sorry about the laughing thing. I’m not trying to piss you off it’s just… no, no, you’re right. You don’t need me. You can just give me the fuck up, right?

I’ll just be over here in this corner, and when you’re ready to talk to me, then you come and get me, okay? I’m not pressuring you or anything. I wouldn’t do that. That’s not my style. I’m just gonna stand over here. Look, I’ll even stand way over here, okay? Look how far away I am. Okay? I’m not trying to bug ya or anything, so just chill the fuck out, okay? Jesus Christ.

All I’m saying is even though you’re abandoning me, I would never abandon you, okay? I could never do that to you. I’d never do that to you. You know why? BECAUSE I’M YOUR FUCKIN’ BEST FRIEND, THAT’S WHY! YOU SIT OVER THERE WITH THAT SMUG LOOK ON YOUR FACE LIKE YOU DON’T FUCKIN’ NEED ME? WELL, I’LL TELL YOU WHAT BUDDY, YOU’RE GONNA BE PISSING IN YOUR PANTS IN ONE HOUR BECAUSE YOU MISS MY ASS SO FUCKING MUCH.

Nah, I shouldn’t have yelled. I shouldn’t have yelled. I shouldn’t have yelled. I’m very sorry that I yelled at you. It’s just sometimes you make me so crazy, you know? I get so worked up over you. But I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t let you get me so upset. Why do I do this to myself over you, huh? Can you answer me that? I didn’t think so.

But answer me this before you go running off leaving me forever, huh?… remember those times we had togetha? You rememba? Come on, you do. You do. You know, like when we were really young and we didn’t need all those other kids at school because you and me togetha we showed those other kids that we were happy on our own?

No, okay, forget about that. Forget about that. Maybe that wasn’t the right reason that you and I got together. You remember how much we hated each other when we first met? Man, it makes me laugh now, just thinking about it. You would always get so sick when you were with me, and I’d just get so tired of you being sick.

But I’ll never forget that one day when it just worked. You and me just worked together. It was kind of a cloudy day, and the wind was picking up just right. You were with that kid you had a crush on, remember? You were sharing me with that kid and the three of us, we just had this great moment where we were all talking about our dreams and our hopes.

Huh. That’s something I’ll miss. I’m gonna miss being there when you talk about your dreams and hopes. That was always a good time for us, you know?

Well, you look pretty serious about this whole leaving me thing, so I better not waste any more of your time. I’ll just pick up my things and get out of here. Where’s that lighter? Where is it?

What, you won’t talk to me so much you can’t even tell me where the fuckin’ lighter is? Huh? Is your shit too clean now to talk to Cigarettes? YOU TOO FUCKIN’ GOOD FOR ME, NOW? HUH?

Oh, this is fuckin’ rich. I MADE YOU WHO YOU FUCKIN’ ARE!

Who was there when you were worried about that job, huh? Your parents?

No, idiot. Me. Cigarettes.

Who was there after you got dumped?

Oh yeah, I remember.



Who was there on your first drive away from your parents house when “She’s Leaving Home” was playing on the fuckin’ stereo, huh? Me and the fuckin’ Beatles, baby.

I sat through your pain. I sat through your joy. I shared drunken evenings with you. I was there when you were at your loneliest. I’ve read so many fuckin’ books with you — and you know what? I’m just gonna be honest. I fuckin’ hate Stephen King, okay? Just quit with the King, okay? Jesus Christ. I can’t believe you’re gonna treat me like this when I’ve been there with your family and your friends and spent whole weekends with you.

Oh, Jesus, do you know what this news is gonna do to Coffee?

Well, I’m not telling him. You’re gonna have to.

You know, you make me sick. No, I can’t even look at you anymore. I’m just fuckin’ ill. You are so fuckin’ ungrateful, you know that? I’ve given you all of this and you’re bitching about a little cough? Oh, you’re worried that your voice is getting a little lower? Fuck, you’re not Bea Arthur or anything, baby, so just suck it up. Jesus Christ, I’m not gonna sit here holding my dick waiting for you to decide what you wanna fuckin’ do, okay? Now, I’ve been watching you inch over to me the entire time I’ve been talking, but you haven’t grabbed me or kicked my ass yet, so I don’t know what you want to do but I’m tired of waiting to see what it is?

Now, are you kicking me out, or can we just go back to being in love, huh?


Fucking answer me!

That’s right, baby. That’s real good. Nice and slow. Don’t do it too fast, you’ll get dizzy. Huh. Yeah, the dizzy is a little fun. See, isn’t this nice? Yeah. Here’s that feeling, baby. Your toes tingling? Yeah, that’s nice. That’s me kissing your feet. Yeah, it is. I love your toes. No, it doesn’t mean your circulation is fucked up, who told you that? A doctor? What the fuck does a doctor know? Does a doctor make you feel like this for three dollars?

I didn’t think so.

I love you, baby. Don’t ever think about trying to leave me again, you understand? You know why? Because I’m gonna follow your ass wherever you go. And sometimes I’ll be cheaper. Here, have a Dunhill.

Yeah, everything’s better now, isn’t it?

Oh, I almost forgot to give you your messages yesterday since you were being such a bitch. You got some gifts. They’re wrapped, so maybe you could try some fuckin’ self-control this time, yeah? Don’t forget to thank Tara and Yolanda. They’re wrapped and under the tree, okay? Oh, and another thing. Don’t go looking back over your wish list. I noticed when I was reading other people’s that it tells you when someone bought you something at the bottom of the list, so if you go reading over it, you’ll find out what people have bought you. So, you just put something on the list and then leave it alone, capiche?

That’s good.

That’s real good.

Now let’s go pick up Coffee and have a threesome, alright? Good girl.

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