thirty questions

using stee’s content to make my own

My site was down all day.  I’m sorry.  Now this all seems outdated.

Dear Best Buy, Tower, et. al:

When you say that a CD is released at midnight on a certain date, please make sure that you know how to tell time.  When you tell me that a CD is released at midnight on September 20th, that should mean that all day on the 20th this CD should be available, since it became available on the first minute of that day.  Do not act like I’m the stupid one when I come into your store asking for the new Nine Inch Nails album.  It’s called “telling time.”  I’ve got it right, and you’ve got it wrong.  Look, if you’re going to get confused, just say “Tuesday.”  It’s available Tuesday.  It’s not available on the 20th at all.  Not at all.  Not one minute of the 20th were you selling The Fragile.  Not one second of that day.  I should sue for false advertising.

Oh, and you know what?  Sometimes people do need the new Nine Inch Nails and the “Genie in a Bottle” single at the same time.  Some of us are actors, buddy, and we buy things called “props.”  Don’t act like I’m the asshole, okay?  I need the damn single for a sketch.  Go learn your calendar.



Stee recently wrote a little survey.  Remember last year when we were all freaking out about the e-mail survey?  Hopefully this one will take off as well:

1.Would you rather look gorgeous and be retarded, or look retarded and be a genius?

I think right now I’m already considered “dork chic” with my pigtails and Weezer CD.  I don’t want to push it.

2.If you could bitchslap one actor/actress, who would it be?

Actor:  Kevin Costner
Actress:  Andie MacDowell

3.If you could bitchslap one musician, who would it be?

This is a tough one.  So many musicians make me ill right now.  Okay.  Here’s how it works.  If you are in a band where you subsitute a “K” for a “C” or a “Z” for an “S” or there’s just some sort of weird spelling to make a very simple word– consider yourself slapped.

4.If you could bitchslap one relative, who would it be?

My relatives all live very far away, so I haven’t kept in good touch with them.  The closest relative I have (non-immediate-family) is my cousin Chris.  I think he’d let me bitchslap him just so we could make a joke out of it.  Maybe we’ll work it out at his wedding….

5.If you had to make-out with one relative, who would it be?

Ew.  Stee.  I guess because I just answered above you know that I have no idea.   I’m not answering that one.  Forget it.

6.You see a spider on your wall, what do you do?

First I yelp and hop a lot.  Yelping and hopping can sometimes scare an insect away.  When that doesn’t work I get a cat and push the cat close to the offending arachnid.  When the cat looks at me like a moron I call boyfriend, tell him the location of the scary creature and then leave the house until the boyfriend can get around to doing something about the spider.

7.Washing your privates in the shower: the lean or the fast hand-o-water transfer?

You know, I like to consider myself an educated and wordly person.  I have no idea what this means.  The lean?  Like, lean into the water?  Does this have something to do with a penis?  I have a loofah.  That’s not a euphemism.  I mean I use a washcloth.  I feel like I’m not answering this question correctly.  I’m short.  I use a shower.  Where are you leaning?  I have a loofah.

8.David Blaine or David Copperfield?

David Blaine.  He’s the coolest.  You know how good he is?  He made Fiona Apple disappear.

9.You need to do laundry desperately, do you wear dirty underwear or no underwear?

This doesn’t happen to girls because they always have extra pairs of underwear around for days when you don’t want to ruin a pair of underwear by being a functioning female.  We always have underwear.  Now, the real question is– do I wear the ratty polka-dot panties I’ve had since I was fifteen or do I go commando?  Depends on the pants I’m wearing.   I’d probably wear the panties if I was going out, but if I was just hanging around on the weekend I’d go bare bottom while I do some laundry.

10.Julia Roberts: growing more and more beautiful, or more and more odd-looking?

Her cheek bones are taking over, aren’t they?  It always frightens me when I see celebrities who look like they are losing the skin on their faces.  They are just big peach colored skulls walking around.  I don’t want to see the temples of your head pulse.  I don’t need to see veins in your forehead move when you breathe.  Eat something.  Jesus.

11.Favorite cussword / phrase?

Two different questions, here.
Favorite cussword:  Fuck.
Favorite quoted cussword:  Dr. Evil’s “Shit.”
Favorite phrase:  I can’t think of one, so I’ll continue Eric’s mission of getting people to say “What’s the haps, peeps?”

12.Letterman or Leno?


13.Scientologists: quietly creepy or totally wacko?

I feel like I’ve got to learn something about this quick if I want to be a real actor.  There’s a scientiology center here in Austin down the street from where I lived in the dorm at school.  One day I went in there because they were offering a free personality test and I was a sucker.  I started taking the test and it was pretty clear that they had written the test so that you looked like a pitiful lost soul who was guided into the building by some sort of force.  And the test was five hundred questions.  It seemed that if you finished the test it said something sad about your personality.  I left feeling better about myself.  For that, I thank the Scientologists.  They helped me think about who I was and if I liked that person.  And it didn’t cost me any money.

14.Siegfried or Roy?

Both, baby.  Both.  You can’t have one without the other.  I want to be their White Tiger on wild weekend of white decadence.  Just me, S&R on a tour around the US showing off our skills and having a blast.  We’ll call it Show, Snow and Blow.

Or they could just show me how they do that to their hair.  It never gets messy.

15.What do you desire sexually that youre too embarrassed to ever request?

The backs of my knees being licked.  How do you do that one without sounding like an idiot.  “Hey, baby.  That’s nice what you’re doing there.  Could you lick my knee?  No, the backside.  Behind my knee.  Like the armpit of the knee.  Lick my kneepit!  Lick it!  Lick my kneepit!”

I can’t do it.

16.Maria Conchita Alonso or Rae Dawn Chong?

Rather have Jennifer Jason Leigh or Mary Stuart Masterson.

17.Gayest cartoon character: Mickey Mouse or Christopher Robin?

That’s not funny.  Watch how you talk about Christopher Robin, buddy.  Besides, it’s Sylvester.

18.Youre depressed: do you drink, cover your pain with humor, or take it out on the person closest to you?

Yes, yes and yeah.  You forgot “get all dolled up and realize you have no social life.”

19.Favorite Sutherland: Kiefer or Donald?

I can’t help it.  The Lost Boys and Stand By Me were at very impressionable times in my life.

20.Favorite Corey: Haim, Feldman, or Hart?

You know, I’ve never thought of this before, but it’s one of those three it’s Haim.  Feldman did that creepy living with Michael Jackson thing and only jag offs wear their sunglasses at night.  Lucas seemed harmless, right?  If I got to think outside the box on this one, my favorite Corey is Corey Glover from Living Colour.

21.Mary-Kate or Ashley?

Thanks.  Now I’ll have nightmares.  Those twins always seemed like the ones on the Shining.  They scare me.

22.Do you spend a lot of time surfing the Net because youre scared of people, or because people are scared of you?

I get paid to sit in front of a computer.  I spend a lot of time on the Net because I’m scared of getting fired.  People are scared of me talking about them on my page.

23.What do you sing instead of “pompatus of love” in Steve Millers “The Joker”?

It goes a little something like this:  “And I swe-speeak of the pompapoos…oh, no.”

24.Best bets in a “death pool” (pick 3): Andy Dick, Robert Downey Jr., Nell Carter, ex-Pogue Shane McGowan, Ronald Reagan, rock group Hanson, Salman Rushdie, Bob Hope, John Popper, Scott Weiland, Mr. T, golfer John Daly, or that girl from Blossom?

Dick, Hope, Six.  You meant Six on “Blossom,” right?  I mean, you couldn’t mean Mayim.  She’s going to go on forever.  She’s got that certain something.  Andy  Dick is on thin ice.  I thought Bob Hope was dead.

25.Its 4pm, your husband calls from work to say hes bringing his boss over for dinner! What do you prepare?

I prepare reservations at a restaurant.  Then I prepare to lay into that man when the boss man leaves.  If he knew at four, he knew at three or two.  He probably knew all day he was going to invite him over.

26.Is a dart board really such a bad wedding gift?

Not if it’s made out of hundred dollar bills, diamonds, or ex-girlfriend’s fingernails.

27.Your ass or your elbow?

I can’t kiss either of them.  Nor can I fit either of them inside my ear.

28.Favorite Wu-Tang Clansman?

What will crazy ODB do next?  I love him.  He’s in Wu-Tang, right?  Method Man is the best punchline, though.  I guess Ben and Janeane already figured that out.

29.Will Billy Idol ever make a successful comeback?

If Adam Sandler can’t give you a comeback, no one can.

30.Lets just say youre walking home drunk very late from a bar in Madison, Wisconsin last week and you see a hundred dollar bill on the ground so you pick it up. A minute later, a very anxious-looking hippie comes by, searching all over the street for something, muttering about “not being able to pay rent”. Are you like totally going to hell if you kept the money, planning to spend it at a titty bar in Vegas this weekend?

Oh, Stee.  Tell me you didn’t.  I couldn’t.  I’d give it back.  I’ve also seen people give large sums of found cash to other people before, so I know it’s not just me.  I believe what goes around comes around.  You’re destined to have bad titties in your face.

I just saw that Ms. E did this survey as well.  See, it’s already started!

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