daddy?

living with eric’s new alias

Eric’s new thing is to call himself “Daddy.”  He doesn’t say it in that “Who’s your daddy” sort of way with a slap on my hip or anything.  He just uses it in casual conversation.

It started with a “It hurts Daddy when you say that,” which came from Dr. Evil being upset with Scott for wishing he was never genetically created in a lab.  I think that Eric had forgotten where it came from because the sentence was never accompanied with a Dr. Evil accent.

I let the first few slide.  Then when we were playing poker he said to Chuy, “Hey Big Daddy, would you pass Daddy another beer?”

“Big Daddy?” Chuy asked.  “Okay… Dad.”

I was walking into the kitchen one afternoon when Eric said, “Could you get Daddy a Diet Coke?”

[scripty]
PAMIE
Ooookay, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.  I don’t like the “daddy.”

ERIC
No?

PAMIE
No.  You aren’t my Daddy.  That’s creepy.

ERIC
Creepy?

PAMIE
Yeah.  The “daddy” freaks me out.

ERIC
Okay, I’m sorry.  Let’s make up.  Give Daddy a kiss.

PAMIE
Seriously.  I’m putting my foot down here.

ERIC
You don’t like it?

PAMIE
I don’t understand it.

ERIC
How about “Papa”?

PAMIE
Definitely not “Papa.”

ERIC
Well, that’s my new thing.  Remember “What’s the haps, peeps?”

PAMIE
Yes, I do.  And it was a brilliant turn of phrase.  The problem is “What’s the haps, peeps” doesn’t conjure up images of fathers and daughters smooching.

ERIC
Okay, I won’t ask you to kiss Daddy anymore.

PAMIE
It’s just that you bring it up in casual conversation.  I don’t want to “Get Daddy a Diet Coke.”  Do you understand?

ERIC
No Daddy.

PAMIE
And if you ever call me Mommy you’re sleeping on the futon.

ERIC
Ew.  I’d never call you Mommy.

PAMIE
See?  It’s creepy!  Now cut it out!

ERIC
Oh, I wasn’t trying to be creepy.  It hurts Eric when you say that.

PAMIE
Jesus.

ERIC
What?  What did I say?

PAMIE
You know what you said.

ERIC
I said “Eric!”

PAMIE
But you never call yourself “Eric.”  That was an implied “Daddy.”

ERIC
I said “Eric.”

PAMIE
But you meant “Daddy.”

ERIC
Okay, what if I never say Daddy directly to you.  What if I only say it when I’m talking to Chuy or Matt or something.

PAMIE
Like?

ERIC
Like “Get Daddy another beer,” but I’m talking to Chuy.  Not you.

PAMIE
I suppose that’s fine.  I don’t want to censor your conversation skills.

ERIC
I won’t say it directly to you anymore.

PAMIE
I appreciate it.

ERIC
Is everything better?

PAMIE
I suppose.

ERIC
You wanna give Eric a hug now?

PAMIE
Oh!  You did it again!

ERIC
What?

PAMIE
You said “Eric” but you meant “Daddy!”

ERIC
How can you tell?

PAMIE
Because you aren’t Michael Jordan.  You don’t speak about yourself in the third person.  You aren’t a corporation, like M.J.

ERIC
I could be.

PAMIE
But you’re not.

ERIC
Can I have the cats call me Daddy?

PAMIE
If you can get Taylor to call you Daddy I can’t stop you.

ERIC
Taylor!  Come here!  Come to Daddy.  Can you say “Daddy?”

INSIDE PAMIE’S BRAIN
This is the man I love.

PAMIE
Are we going out tonight?

ERIC
Yeah.  Big Daddy says we can go over to the hiz-nouse and have poker once Little Daddy and his Girlie-girl get out of the club-e-club with Giz-neff and Wel-donia.  Riz-nay may even show up as well.  You got some bones for Daa—-Eric so he can pliz-nay?

PAMIE
I don’t know what’s scarier:  the fact that I am now dating Casper, or that I understood every word you just said.

ERIC
It’s all good, yo.

PAMIE
You have a master’s degree!
[/scripty]

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