blair which?

a short film with four characters (no spoilers unless you want ’em)

the time:  last night.
the place:  my car.
the characters:  eric, pam, chuy, cathy

[scripty]
ERIC
Are you guys scared?

CATHY
Yes.

PAMIE
I’m nervous.

CHUY
I’m pretty fucking scared.

CATHY
He’s drunk.

PAMIE
You went and got drunk?

CHUY
I’m scared!

CATHY
It’s cheating.

CHUY
Did you guys honk?

PAMIE
Yeah.

CATHY
We didn’t hear a honk.

ERIC
But you guys walked right outside.

CHUY
Well, we were going out to wait for you.

CATHY
Did you wait long?

PAMIE
No, we just drove up and honked and you guys walked out.

CATHY
Really?

PAMIE
Yeah.  Oh, and here’s something creepy… we walked out and there was a huge spider right over our door making a web.  Huge spider.  Scary.

CHUY
No, it’s creepier that we knew you guys were here without hearing you honk.

PAMIE
So, let me tell you guys the good karma that got us these tickets to the Blair Witch Project.

CHUY
What happened?

PAMIE
Well, remember how I called the theatre at five-fifteen and they said they only had tickets left for the ten o’ clock, the eleven-fifty and the twelve-fifteen?

CHUY
Uh-huh.

PAMIE
Well, we got there at five thirty and once we got towards the front of the line the ten o’ clock was sold out.  This girl next to us asked us to read off all of the sold out times and that’s when I noticed.  So I was worried because I figured that a lot of people had already bought tickets for the late shows since it’s a scary movie.

(Stopped at a red light, Eric honks his horn)

PAMIE
What’s wrong?

ERIC
He likes cheese.

(Among the bumper stickers of the car in front one says, “Honk if you love cheeses.”  The driver of said car puts his hand out of the window and gives a back-handed wave to Eric, sending the car into giggles.)

CHUY
He loves cheese.

PAMIE
I can’t believe you honked at him.

ERIC
Hee-Hee!  Hee-heee-hheee!  He loves him some cheese!  Heee-hee!

(As the car passes the cheese lover, Eric says–)

I’m going to honk again.

CHUY
I’ll make the international sign for cheese loving.

PAMIE
He’s gonna think we’re trying to shoot him.

(Eric honks the horn again as the driver spins his head towards our vehicle with a look of intense fear.  He makes a quick right turn into the nearest parking lot)

PAMIE
Oh, my God!  Did you see how scared he was?

CATHY
He probably just got back from the Blair Witch.

CHUY
Dude!  He totally turned into that parking lot.

ERIC
Hee!  Hee-hee!  He loves cheese!

CATHY
Cheeses.  Plural.

CHUY
All kinds of cheese.

PAMIE
Anyway, so, we’re standing in this line waiting for the tickets and–

ERIC
Honk!  I love cheese too!  Cheese!  Who doesn’t love cheese!  Hee-hee!

PAMIE
You just crack yourself up, don’t you?

ERIC
Cheeses!  Oh, ho-ho.  OH!  OHH!  Ha-HA!  HEEEEeeeeeee.  Heh.  Huh.  Hm..

PAMIE
We’re in this line, and this couple in front of us leaves and I go, “Yes!” and Eric says, “What are you excited about the movie?” and I go, “No, those people left, so we have a better shot of getting tickets.” and this girl in front of me turned around and laughed.  Anyway, she’s up trying to get her tickets and they say “thirty-two dollars” or whatever–

ERIC
Twenty-six.

PAMIE
And she turns around and goes, “Oh, you guys, do you happen to have two dollars?  That would be so cool.  I’m short.”  And Eric gives her a five and she buys her tickets and gives him the change and says, “Thank you so much.  That’s really nice of you.”  Then I walk up and by this time the movie theatre pit boss is standing next to the ticket guy and I go, “Four for the eleven-fifty Blair Witch” and the ticket guy looks at the pit boss and the pit boss nods to him and goes, “Okay, sell ’em to them.”  And then he picks up his head and shouts down the line, “Okay, that’s it!  The eleven-fifty is sold out!  There are only a few left for the twelve-fifteen!”

CHUY
That’s so cool, because you gave her the money?

PAMIE
Well, the ticket guy looks at me and says, “Did you know her or were you guys just being nice?” And I said, “No, we don’t know her,” but I liked her because she laughed at my joke.

CATHY
The last four tickets.

PAMIE
Total karma.

The car pulls into the movie theatre mall entrance.  There is an empty area in front.

ERIC
Oh, sweet!  Right in front.

CHUY
Park there.

CATHY
No, that’s a fifteen minute zone.

PAMIE
But right in front of it is legal.

ERIC
You sure?

PAMIE
It says “Thirty Minute Zone, Monday thru Friday seven to seven.”  We’re fine.

ERIC
Cool.

PAMIE
Park!  Quick!  Park!

ERIC
Okay!

CHUY
Oh, I can’t wait!

CATHY
I wanna go home!

ERIC
Will you guys calm down?

PAMIE
Dad!  Dad!  Can I go wait in line!

ERIC
Get out of the car, all of you.

As Cathy, Chuy and Pam get out of the car, a security guard walks up and stares at them.  Eric starts to get out of the car.

SECURITY GUARD
You guys aren’t going to leave your car there, are you?

PAMIE
Yeah, it’s legal.

SECURITY GUARD
Well, why don’t you move it down there?

PAMIE
Because that’s not legal.  That’s a fifteen minute zone.

SECURITY GUARD
Yeah, but people want to walk here to the garage.  You’ve parked right in front of the steps.  That’s not nice.

PAMIE
But it’s legal.

ERIC
Legally we can park here, right?

SECURITY GUARD
There are no tickets after five.  Just move your car down to that spot over there.

ERIC
It won’t get a ticket?

SECURITY GUARD
They don’t ticket this late.

PAMIE
But we already parked here.

SECURITY GUARD
Now, you’re already doing something wrong, why would you want to do something wronger?

PAMIE
It’s not wrong to park here.  It’s legal!  Where you want us to park isn’t!  That’s wrong!

ERIC
I’m moving the car.

SECURITY GUARD
Oh, just sittin’ back, not caring about the others.  Just be nice and park away from the steps.

ERIC
I’m moving the car!

PAMIE
But I don’t understand.  This is legal.  He’s making us park illegally.

CHUY
We’ll call the campus police.

CATHY
You won’t get towed.

PAMIE
This makes no sense.

ERIC
Let’s go before you guys start a fight.

 

They sit in line for half an hour.  Eric goes to play video games.  Chuy returns from the ATM…

CHUY
You know, some car is parked in that spot now.

PAMIE
Is the security guard freaking out?

CHUY
I didn’t see him.

CATHY
I bet he doesn’t even work here.

PAMIE
I better not get towed.

CHUY
You won’t get towed.

The earlier feature lets out.  As the movie goers walk past the line, Pamie covers her ears while Chuy beings to shout, “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!” so that he does not hear their conversations.

Fifteen minutes later they open the line for the eleven-fifty.  Pamie orders a drink and then gives Eric money to go and pay for it because Cathy has asked her to find Chuy and get his popcorn from him for a free refill.  Chuy comes running up to Pamie and asks for his ticket, as they won’t let him in without one.  She gives him two tickets and tells him to give those to Eric and Cathy.  Chuy comes running back with his popcorn.  “LET’S GO!”  he shouts and keeps running.  Eric and Cathy are calling towards Pamie.  Cathy is shouting, “Does he want his popcorn refilled?”  Eric is shouting, “We need another ticket!”  Pamie insists that they have two tickets, for she is only holding hers and Chuy’s.  Eric holds up the one ticket that they have.  “You gave us one.”  Pamie turns around to find Chuy and he is gone.  She realizes now that he only gave them one ticket and then ran off.  She gives Eric her other ticket and goes towards the movie line.  She asks the ushers at the door, “Did a crazy Mexican popcorn-weilding boy just run through here?”

“Yeah.”

“Did he have a ticket?”

“No one gets in without a ticket.”

Thanks.”

Five minutes later the entire cast is sitting in the theatre.  Eric is on the right side.  Then Pamie.  Then Chuy.  Cathy is sitting to the far left.

ERIC
How much longer until the movie?

PAMIE
Forty minutes.

ERIC
Beautiful.

CATHY
Oh, great. I don’t have anyone next to me.  Now I’m going to get killed.

CHUY
One per picture.

PAMIE
No, this show is sold out.  Someone will sit next to you.

CATHY
No, there’s no seat.  I’m on the aisle.

PAMIE
Oh.  Oh, then… yeah.  You’re probably going to get killed.

The man sitting in front of Chuy and Pam begins to laugh.

CHUY
See, Cathy?  Even this guy is laughing at you.  When we were all waiting out in line, he was thinking to himself, “I bet these guys are assholes.”  Then you had to say that you’re going to get witchnapped and now he’s thinking, “Yep.  They’re assholes.”

ERIC
Dude, why you gotta make fun of the guy?

CHUY
I’m not making fun of the guy, he’s laughing at us.

PAMIE
Don’t make him feel uncomfortable.

CHUY
I’m not!

CATHY
This one time when I was a little girl, I was really scared because I had to–

ERIC
HEY!  CAN I HAVE A JUNIOR MINT?

CHUY
Damn, Money!

ERIC
What?

PAMIE
She was telling a story.

ERIC
Hook me up with a mint, yo!

CATHY
Here.

CHUY
And would you go get us a refill on the popcorn?

CATHY
Will you come with me?

CHUY
No.  That’s too dangerous.

PAMIE
That’s why you’re on the aisle.

CATHY
I don’t believe this.

ERIC
Leave me a couple of Junior Mints, will ya?

CHUY
No, you need those mints, Cathy.  You have to leave a trail so you can find your way back.

PAMIE
Make sure you have your stub or it will be hell on earth.

CATHY
You guys suck.

she leaves.

CHUY
(leaning forward to the guy in front)
My name’s Chuy Zarate, by the way.

GUY IN FRONT
Brian.

CHUY
Oh, no last name from Brian.

PAMIE
Why would he?  Good move, there, Brian.

BRIAN
You guys are cracking me up.

ERIC
We’ll be here all week.  Try the veal.

PAMIE
We’re so getting kicked out.

CHUY
I miss the cheese guy.

CATHY
I really want to go home.

CHUY
(leaning forward)
You know, Brian, if I were you, I’d go refill your popcorn now before the movie starts.  You’re going to run out.

PAMIE
What are you, popcorn control?

ERIC
Leave the guy alone.

PAMIE
This is crazy.  I got Kramer on one side of me eating all the Junior Mints and George on the other regulating strangers’ popcorn.

Flashback:  Friday night Chuy asked Pam how she is liking Hannibal, which she just started reading.  “There’s no Hannibal yet,” she said.  “Only Clarice.”

“Yeah, but Hannibal gets in touch with her or tries to get in touch with her I think.”

“Oh, that’s funny.  Him trying to get in touch with her…”

“Clarice?  Clarice?  I’ve tried calling you, but I can’t seem to get a hold of you when you’re home.  Please call me back.”

ERIC
“Clarice?  Clarice?  Have you seen the Blair Witch Project?  It’s really quite terrifying.  Really scary.”

BRIAN
(laughing, talking to his girlfriend)
That’s a really good impression.

PAMIE
“Haven’t slept in three days.  Worried about you Clarice.  Love, Hanny.”

CHUY
“Clarice?  Clarice?  Clarice if you’re there, pick up.”

PAMIE
“Clarice, I draw the line at fifteen unanswered messages.”

ERIC
“Clarice?  Clarice did you get the flowers I sent?  Do you not like black roses?”

CHUY
“Look, if I happen to have the wrong number… if a Clarice Starling doesn’t live here I’m going to feel like a real heel.  So, if I happen to have the wrong number would you give me a call.  Just call me regardless.”

PAMIE
“Perhaps I have the wrong Clarice.  If this is the Clarice Starling that killed Buffalo Bill.  You know, ‘Puts the lotion in the basket?’  If none of this is sounding familiar, I may have the wrong Clarice.  Could you call me regardless and let me know?  Perhaps you know Clarice.  Tell her Hanny is looking for her.”

CHUY
“Clarice.  I’d love to have dinner sometime.”

CHUY AND PAMIE
“Your pick, of course.”

CHUY
“I’m sorry about last time, Clarice.”

ERIC
The guy’s bumper sticker said to honk if you loved cheeses and I HONKED!  Hee!  Haaaa…

Soon the movie started.  I will say this, however:  This film will be even cooler on video.  Since it’s shot with camcorders and stuff, you can feel a little distance in a movie theatre.  When you’re at home and it looks like you’re watching someone’s tape… how terrifying that will be.

After the film, Chuy, Eric, Cathy and Pam are walking down to the car.

CATHY
I don’t want to go to sleep.

PAMIE
That was fun.

CHUY
See you later, Brian.

ERIC
I’m hungry.

CHUY
Well, we can get pizza from Pam.

CATHY
Yeah, Pam.  Are you delivering now?

PAMIE
What are you talking ab—

There– on top of Pamie’s car parked in the fifteen minute zone because of the security guard– is a Domino’s Pizza Delivery sign.  Pamie does not recognize her car at first and thinks that hers has been stolen.  She then realizes that she is indeed looking at her own car.

PAMIE
What the fuck is this?  What happened to my car?

CHUY
Oh, my God!  That’s a Dominos sign!

CATHY
Why is that–

PAMIE
Why is this on MY CAR?  Who did this TO MY CAR?

ERIC
It’s just a big magnet.

PAMIE
Well, we’ve got a Blair Witch souvenier.

CHUY
This is the coolest thing ever.

PAMIE
It’s all yours.

CHUY
Really?

PAMIE
Yeah.  I don’t want it.  It’s cursed.

FADE TO BLACK
[/scripty]

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