UPS in time for my PMS

There’s something in my eye.  Despite the fact that my left eye is all teary and inflamed, I’m still cranking out my entry.

Everything I do, I do it for you.

Yesterday I received a package in the mail.  It was a very heavy box.

“Oooh!  I bet it’s the tiny woolen mittens!”  Eric said.

“I hope so.”

About a month ago I got an e-mail telling me that there were some tiny woolen mittens on their way to my apartment in honor of the tiny wooden hand and Squishy’s Birthday Week.  I thought it was a joke at first and I was making jokes about all of the hands being right-handed until she told me that this indeed was not a joke.  I had some tiny woolen mittens on their way to my house as soon as the knitting was done.

At first I wanted to keep it a secret.  I wanted everyone to come over for a party and find the jar of tiny wooden hands all bundled up.  She had commented that she wanted to see pictures of the tiny woolen wooden hands having a snowball fight in my freezer.  I couldn’t wait for the new round of jokes (and the cute factor of little woolen mittens that may double for Taylor mittens in a pinch).

Eventually I broke down and told everyone because that’s the kind of person I am and I never was good at keeping those kinds of secrets.  Instead of the jumping up and down and ticker tape parade type of response that I thought I was going to get most people responded with something like, “Really?  Really? Man.  Don’t these people know it’s just a computer?”

But those in the know, those who really understood, those were the ones who had that look where their eyes squint a little, and the corners of their mouths turn up and they say, “That’s pretty cool, man.”

Eric was really excited about them.

So, yesterday when I held the box the first thing I thought was, “My, this is heavy.  I hope she didn’t put anything else in here.”

I opened the box, and it was filled with candy.  FILLED.  I can’t even describe the amount of chocolate that is in this box.  It’s easily ten, fifteen pounds of candy.  And not like little crap candy, either.  We’re talking Reese’s and Nutrageous, and Starburst Twizzlers and ring lollipops and Gobstoppers and this big block of Belgium Chocolate that I’m not even sure how we’re supposed to eat– and a little note inside full of apologies.  The person who was to knit the tiny woolen mittens never bothered to tell her that she wasn’t knitting them and because of that, the tiny woolen mittens are just a fantasy.  She felt really bad about getting my hopes up, and so she filled this box with so much candy that I was speechless.

At dinner last night:

[scripty]
ERIC
So, that was pretty much the most important thing that’s ever happened to me.

PAMIE
Iim.

ERIC
Yeah.  That little moment changed my life.

PAMIE

ERIC
Did I share too much?  Are you okay with that?

PAMIE
What are we going to do with all of that candy?

ERIC
Oh, sweetie.

PAMIE
I mean, I haven’t even eaten all of the Moxie candy that Cooie sent.
[/scripty]

I felt terrible that this woman felt so terrible about not giving me woolen mittens that she dumped what had to have been thirty-something dollars worth of candy into a box!  In any event, we’ve had the candy for just an evening but it’s already starting to take its toll:

You think that’s bad?  Check out Eric:

Then Chuy came over:

And then all of the Monks showed up:

So much candy!

I’ve been working on my one-woman show with Eric. I’ve got to tell you there’s nothing weirder than having Eric sit in a chair with a notebook while I tell him stories over and over that he’s already heard so many times.  Talk about a rough crowd.

The first time through the show was over an hour long, so I’m gonna have to stop babbling as much.  Just cut out some of the mumbly babble that I fill things with because I’m nervous.  I was nervous just saying it all to Eric.  Imagine how I’m going to be in front of an audience!  An audience that’s hanging around until Midnight to see me…. ick…

Oh, I’m starting to freak out about it again, so I’m gonna go work on it.

And then I’m gonna Tae-Bo so that I don’t go near the big box of thigh matter.  That’s all it is, really.  If I just think of it as a box of thighs I probably won’t be so tempted to eat any of it.

Leave a Reply