keep calm, i gotcha covered
Happy birthday, Dad.
Happy birthday, President Lincoln.
When I was a kid I thought that since my dad shared a birthday with Lincoln, then somehow I was related. To Lincoln, I mean, I knew I was related to my father. I thought that my people all came from log cabins and were really, really tall and somewhere along the way things got screwed up and they made short little me. I also thought that everyone observed my father’s birthday because back in the day you would get a day off school for Lincoln’s birthday. Well, President’s Day, but, it’s like the same thing.
The Piping Hot
This year’s topic:
How to write a love poem
(in honor of the mighty kymm’s mention of poetry in today’s entry…)
First let me say that writing poetry is not easy. You must find a certain style. A certain way of presenting your love in a way that is both touching and honest. I don’t like giving greeting cards, because I feel that they say things in a way that I don’t communicate, and I always find it interesting that they really do make cards for every occasion. Who are the people who need some of these cards? Anyway–
Step one: Find your audience.
Is it your lover? Your wife? Your husband? Your children (when I was a kid I got valentines from my parents. I really liked that, because it meant they loved me). Your in-laws?
DAMMIT! I just remembered I forgot to bring my Valentines to work today. That means they get them on Monday, which is after Valentine’s Day, which makes it look like they got my leftover Valentine cards. Damn. I suck.
Back to Step one:
So, we are deciding on our audience. Is it one person? Is it your entire family? Maybe it is someone you are interested in but they don’t know it…. now’s the perfect time to approach without looking like a freak stalker. Just an innocent valentine…
Step two: Find your medium.
Flowers and candy with a tiny note? An e-mail? A gift with your poem on the wrapping paper? Maybe an answering machine message. Maybe an e-mail with an attachment that has you singing your poem. A sculpture? A videotape? Maybe you will write your poem on their body with paint. I’m not saying I’ve done all these things, I’m just throwing out some suggestions, people, because I care. Please don’t body paint your mother-in-law. That’s not what I’m talking about here.
Step three: Write it.
Figure out what it is that you love so much about them. Then tell them. It’s not hard. It doesn’t have to rhyme. It just has to be honest. Show your true emotions.
Okay, if you got this far you deserve this… I’m gonna give you a few poems just in case nothing comes out of that head of yours. If you are just staring at your little notepad going, “I love this person, but I can’t think of a thing to say.” Here. Use my poems. Just make sure you do the presentation well. Don’t just leave it on a pile of dirty laundry, okay?
Happy Valentines’ Day
to the one that can always
bring me up
even when i’m down.
Cupid must have shot me with
five or six arrows at least
because no matter what happens
I still seem to love you.
Pretty amazing, huh?
This special day
for just you and me.
So tonight, I am yours.
Tomorrow I’m gonna go watch the game at Andy’s, okay?
I love you.
I love you.
And I know you love me.
So very, very, much.
I broke your coffee mug.
So incredibly much.
I am full of love.
Have I mentioned lately
how much I love you?
I meant to.
Good thing there’s this holiday, huh?
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
One. Two. Three. Four.
Probably at least nine.
We could reach double-digits here.
That’s pretty good, you’ve gotta admit.
I love you so much
I almost forget about
the best sex of my life
with that girl from Sweden.
I wish I could give you that sunset.
I wish I could give you that rainbow.
I wish I could give you that wedding you always wanted.
Here’s a Hershey bar.
Have some patience, please.
I’m only one fucking person.
that was the sound
of me breaking a nail
from smashing it into my palm
so i don’t choke you to death.
i love you that much.
Love is in your eyes and mine.
Even when we accidentally bump heads trying to kiss.
I really like your hair like that.
Have you lost weight?
I was wrong, you were right.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
You know I love you.
We shower together.
And you make me stand in the drafty spot.
I don’t complain.
I get a better view of your ass that way.
There are times in everyone’s life when they
take a step back and ask themselves,
“Is this what I really wanted?
Is this where I really wanted to be?
Is this the relationship of dreams?”
This is one of those times for me.
I took a step back.
I thought of you.
And I can honestly say,
“Yeah, I guess.
I mean, whatever.”
And I thank you for that.
Baby, I know sometimes I can say the wrong thing.
Like when I told you that you aren’t funny
and that when you think I’m laughing it’s just the sound of my
eyes rolling around in my head in complete irritation.
But I need you to know, that deep down,
and I mean deep, deep down.
I just wish
you’d shut your damn mouth for three seconds
while I eat my dinner.
That’s all I ask.
Now give me a kiss.
we don’t have to have someone else in our life to be a good person.
we like being single, don’t we?
it’s just us.
let’s go pull out that vibrator and pretend it’s Patrick Stewart.
then we’ll have a kinky threesome with me, myself and i.
Move your big head!
I can’t see the X-Files.
I mean, “Sweetheart?
Would you mind moving your giant head?”
L is for the lovin’ I give you every night.
O is for the orgasm it causes.
V is for your legs spread up in ecstasy.
E is for the sound you make when you screech.
Damn, I’m good.
I hope you got me a good gift.
You’re pretty cool.
Pretend I’m saying
something about your eyes.
Something about your thighs.
Don’t be so surprised.
I forgot again, okay?
Of all the holidays,
this is my favorite.
Because I get to spend it with you.
Larry bet me five dollars
that you wouldn’t buy my poem.
I need your panties as proof.
Don’t say anything.
He’s right outside the window watching right now.
Just take off your panties really slowly
and hand them to me.
then you can run to the other room
and we’ll discuss this.
Please do this for me.
Don’t make me look like an asshole.
I love you.
I’d do it for you, you know I would.
Just take off the panties.
And if you could cry a little, like I touched your heart or something.
That would be good.
I just don’t want to lose five bucks.
Honey, it’s the guys, you understand, right?
Have a great Valentine’s Day. Lots of Squishy hugs to all.
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