okay, i’ll think of something funny.

you big bully.

I’ve been quite busy at work today. But I updated my books section. Also I did a backup of my back pages, since Geocities doesn’ t have a neat little backup feature. I had to go in and manually save my entries one page at a time. I just did the entries, I haven’t gotten around to all of that other fluffy stuff that I’ve done.

[scripty]
YOU
Blah, blah blah! Tell me what happened when Eric came home yesterday!

PAMIE
Gee, you really want to know?

YOU
I’ve hit “reload” fifty times since last night, duh.

PAMIE
Oh. Nothing really.

YOU
Come on. Spill it.

PAMIE
Well… he came home and I was feeling guilty about the entry.

YOU
Uh-huh!

PAMIE
And I was like, “Are you mad at me?” And he was like, “No, you’re being all weird” and I was like, “No, you’re weird” and then we were having some sort of weird-off so he was like, “Sit down. We need to talk about this.” And then he opened his mouth to talk and before he could get out, “I think you’re being a little n–” I started weeping and shouting and just blubbering this messy pms-inspired rant about how I just don’t understand men and him and I’m all confused and I don’t want to be his warden and I’m not an idiot and I was trying to remember the points that I had laid out in my earlier entry but all that came out was something like–

‘I’m not stupid!’

‘You treat me like I’m bossy.’

and ‘I just don’t know what to do anymore to make you happy.'”

All of which are statements that are untrue. All of which Eric replied, “I never said–! No, I don’t!– Where did you get that idea?” And it sounded like I was fighting with someone else because all of my points and complaints had nothing to do with him or our relationship.

Then I said that I think that he is doing the same thing, because although he complains that I am needy and such and I make him feel guilty about wanting to go out and do things, he often makes himself feel guilty about wanting to go out without me, and even if I haven’t said anything, he’ll think he’ll be in trouble. I told him that it’s only natural for me to be disappointed if I thought that he was going to hang out with me but instead he’s going elsewhere, but I’ve never told him not to do something, and I never would tell him he couldn’t go somewhere. I’m not going to lie to him and act like it doesn’t matter to me if I see him or I don’t.

He agreed that he does make himself feel guilty, but when I hem and haw it only makes it worse, so I think now maybe neither of us will instantly think that we are in trouble if we decide not to be together on a particular evening.

And then we hugged and kissed and went and had lunch.

And then we did a little grocery shopping.

And then we took the cats to the vet, where she said that we have two of the most beautiful cats and then she gave us some cream for Taylor’s zitty chin, and said that it could be caused by the bowls he eats out of, since he doesn’t have a stressful life, and he’s never had this problem before. It seems that if you use plastic bowls, the plastic can soak up some of the oils in the food, and when he sticks his face in there, it rests on his chin, causing the break-outs. So, now I have to find new bowls for the kitties.

[scripty]
YOU
Man, I thought we’d get a better story.

PAMIE
What do you want?

YOU
Romance! Drama! Someone’s attracted to someone’s cousin! Aren’t you guys living in the south?

PAMIE
Ha. Ha. This is Texas. That’s Arkansas.

YOU
But you still think his cousin’s a hottie, though, right? Come on, you can tell us, we’re your friends.

PAMIE
I will not exaggerate the story in order to have a more interesting entry.

YOU
It’s not like you’ve never done that before.

PAMIE
But this is about my relationship. I don’t play games with my relationship.

YOU
Oh, right, I forgot. Menstrual Girl was nothing but the truth, right?

PAMIE
But I was being funny there.

YOU
You can be funny here.

PAMIE
No, this was serious. This was us talking about us.

YOU
Oh, that’s so deep, pamie.

PAMIE
Screw you, I’m serious. I told him that I wrote about it, and I asked if I could keep it up or he wanted me to take it down, and he says he trusts my judgment.

YOU
You didn’t ask your dad if it was okay to put up stories about him.

PAMIE
Okay! I’m sorry! What do you want from me?

YOU
Something good. Or something funny. Something, dammit. You think I come here to read about you and your little troupe and your little friends? No! I come here because occasionally you say something funny.

PAMIE
You don’t represent all of my readers.

YOU
I represent the darkest part of your brain that thinks what you fear your readers think. I am the maker of the quotations at the bottom of the page.

PAMIE
How about a joke?

YOU
Don’t make me puke.

PAMIE
So, you want something funny that happened to me yesterday?

YOU
Or some witty observation about how girls are weird.

PAMIE
One or the other?

YOU
Quit stalling.

PAMIE
Right…. uh… hold on… no problem..

Uh, I was at the supermarket yesterday and I found a box that makes Matzo balls, and I was very excited, as there’s only one place in Austin where you can get Matzo ball soup, and I started talking to Eric about how cool is it that I finally found it, but I’m not sure what kind of soup I should put the balls in, but Eric wasn’t there and when I looked up people at the salad bar were looking at me like crazy Matzo talky lady.

YOU
LAME!

PAMIE
uh…

YOU
And since I am part of your brain I also know that it is a TOTAL LIE and that didn’t happen!

PAMIE
I’m just trying to make you happy.

YOU
Try harder.

PAMIE
look, yesterday wasn’t a very funny day. It was productive, and I worked on some things, and I had a nap, and I spent way too much money…

YOU
BOO! YOU SUCK!

PAMIE
Quit throwing things at me.

YOU
Hiss!

PAMIE
OH! Here’s something:

Yesterday Eric, Chuy and I went to the grocery store. Eric started being all strange, and he said, “Why don’t you go and find some kitty litter or something, and I’ll be right back. I have to go check out the salmon.”

This is funny because he’s never bought salmon before, and the reason he was craving it was because we had seen salmon at the much better grocery store we went to earlier, but it was $20/pound. So, he’s walking down the aisle, and I say, “They don’t have good seafood here!” And he raises up his hand without even looking at me and shouts, “LOX!”

So, you know, we let him go check out the lox. He came back to us munching on something.

“Money, are you eating? Are you eating candy?” Chuy asked.

“Mm-fm-wa,” was the reply.

“You stole candy? Oh, money. Those are like, five cents each.”

“You stole candy?” I asked. “That’s terrible.”

“One. I stole one!” Eric said. He held out his hand. He was holding two Brocks wrapped candies. “Okay, two. I took two. There’s two.”

“Plus what you were eating when you came over here,” I said.

“I can’t belive you stole candy,” Chuy shook his head.

“Why are you guys riding my stones? Quit working my hole!” Eric got very defensive and shifty, as criminals are prone to do when they are found out. “Like you never eat grapes in the grape aisle.”

I was going to point out that there isn’t a grape aisle, but instead I said, “Oh, no. That’s stealing. I don’t do that.”

“Well, you two are just fucking perfect then.”

When criminals get trapped, often profanity is their only way out.

YOU
Alright, that’s better.

PAMIE
Go make your quote.
[/scripty]

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