i miss quality

Hey, movie guys. I don’t go to your houses, go through your old scrapbooks and change around your memories. Don’t do it to mine.

I was complaining about this to friends last night (and I apologize to those of you who are reading this and don’t get to put in your response) and this morning’s E! Online news put me over the edge.

They are making a live action film of How the Grinch Stole Christmas and putting Jim Carrey in the damn role.

We already have a Grinch film. It’s quite good. I don’t need another.

They are making a live action Scooby-Doo with Mike Meyers in the role of Shaggy. I understand he’s producing it.

I don’t understand. Where is the demand for a live action Scoob film?

They are now releasing Simon Birch which is supposed to be A Prayer for Owen Meaney except that they have CHANGED THE ENTIRE STORY AND MADE IT A FAMILY FEEL-GOOD FILM WITH A SMALL PHYSICALLY CHALLENED PERSON AND A HAPPY SMILEY BABYFACE SONG PLAYING IN THE BACK.

If you didn’t want to do the book, don’t pay for the rights. Don’t make John Irving take his name off the film. This is not a Snow White film. Owen didn’t look like that. Owen was a miracle.

Gus Van Sant has remade Psycho using the same script, and same camera angles. The only differences are the actors and the color.

Remember when we hated Ted Turner for colorizing our classic films? Remember how we thought he was evil? Doesn’t anyone care that they are ruining memories of our past? These are films, cartoons, shows that we loved. We loved them.

These things are a part of my memory, and now they are manipulating how I feel about these characters. It changes where I was when I first saw it, read it, laughed at it…

Oh, it just burns me up that the writer doesn’t have any clout in Hollywood anymore. The writer doesn’t have any say over how his work is presented. That’s a shame. All of these stories are getting dumbed down for a dumb audience. Can you imagine what will happen when people start saying, “Oh, that old Psycho? I can’t watch that. It’s all black-and-white. Boring.”

It already happened with Romeo and Juliet. Excuse me, Romeo + Juliet. I forgot. It could be your favorite book next. It could have happened with Lolita. It could have happened with Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. You bet your ass it will happen with Bridget Jones’s Diary. People will see the film and miss out on a great book.

If they make Catcher in the Rye into a film, I may stop going altogether.

Are we that short on movie plots that we have to remake other films and cartoons?

Hey, I know, let’s make a remake of Grease, but we’ll take out all that singing that no one likes anymore. We’ll get Leonardo DiCaprio and Gretchen Moll to play Danny and Sandy, and they are fighting against these aliens that come into their school called the “Scorpions” and they get trapped in the basement of Rydell High and they only way they can get out alive is if they dance. Who will teach them to dance? Why a small junebug named Vince Fontaine, played expertly by Matt Damon, who comes to life during a storm and teaches them about love. “In a world where grease meets beasts, one man with one woman, must find the right moves to survive. Grease. This ain’t your sister’s film anymore.”

“In a world where opposites attract. One woman has found a kindred spirit deep in the heart of a brewery. They have to find each other to beat the darkest of demons. One man, known as Ragu, can help them find the way. They’ll have to fight for the right to do it their way, yes, their way. Making all their dreams come true. This summer. One man. One woman. Another woman. Milk. Pepsi. LAVERNE. SHIRLEY. Don’t come in without knocking or–
‘HELLO!’
BOOM!
Milwaukee Bitches. Coming this Thanksgiving. ”

“Whatchoo talkin’ about Willis?” It’s coming. The most anticipated film of the summer. When inner-city orphans find shelter deep in the heart of White Country, something funny is bound to happen. “Whatchoo talkin’ about Willis?” In a world where Black meets White. “Whatchoo talkin’ about Willis?” In a world where Old meets Young. “Whatchoo talkin’ about, Willis?” In a world where zany meets crazy, it takes Diff’rent Strokes to move it. AUGUST ’99. This film has not yet been rated.”

I could work in Hollywood. I could make these films. But would you still respect me in the morning?

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