it’s not something i’m proud of
The art of fighting. I am very, very bad at it.
I always have been, it’s nothing new. I guess I’m getting better though. Eric hasn’t seen the way I used to fight.
I’ll tell you what, though, I’m out of practice. Eric and I rarely have a fight. Sometimes we disagree, and sometimes we are in bad moods, but we very rarely fight. I was just commenting on this to someone last night– Okay, I was practically bragging that we didn’t fight…so what happened when we got home?
You got it. Break out the score cards.
I just get so defensive. I get so surprised that there’s a problem. How can I be so oblivious? What the hell is wrong with me? My mouth and my mind never seem to convene when I’m in an argument. This used to be the death of me in an argument. I had some ugly ones with past boyfriends.
I think: ” Look, obviously we’ve both been under some pressure lately, and it’s coming out in this argument. Now it’s pretty clear that neither of us are mad at each other, but rather just tired from a long day. Let’s take a small break and discuss this over coffee.”
I say: “Oh, and I guess you’re Mr. Perfect?”
I think: “Sweetheart, I know I’ve been a little clingy lately, and perhaps I’m not giving you enough space or room to breathe. I’m just going through a hard time right now and I feel a bit lonely and scared. I just want someone to be there for me when I’m feeling kind of weak.”
I say: “So you hate me, is that it?”
I think: “You’re right, you’re right. I know you’re right.”
I say: “Nuh-uh! I’m so sure!”
I think: “If only we could just give each other a hug and stop fighting everything would be just fine.”
I say: “Don’t touch me.”
I think: “I recognize a pattern in our behavior where we both get angry at each other in this specific situation. Perhaps we should try and avoid being in that situation in the future, or at least work on what it is that is causing us to feel this way.”
I say: “You always do that. I hate that!”
I think: “It really is late. We should get some sleep. We both have work in the morning.”
I say: “I can’t believe you kept me up this late. I’m gonna miss work tomorrow because of you.”
I think: “Damn. He’s got me there.”
I say: “Oh. Excuse me, I forgot you always have to be right.”
I think: “I love you.”
I say: “I mean, I love you, you know, I mean, gah.”
I think: “I have unresolved abandonment issues that I need to work on, and unfortunately you’re seeing this terrible side of me and I’m sorry.”
I say: “So you’re just going to leave, right?”
I think: “I haven’t been spending enough time with you.”
I say: “And you haven’t been letting me spend time with you.”
I think: “This is silly, that we are still arguing this.”
I say: “No, don’t just shrug, tell me what you mean by that!”
I think: “He looks good when he’s mad.”
I say: “Don’t look at me like that. I’m not a child.”
I think: “Perhaps I did something wrong to hurt his feelings. That’s terrible.”
I say: “What? WHAT? What did I do now? Jesus.”
I think: “I can’t believe we are doing this. Why ruin this thing that we have here by being so hateful to each other and hurting each other. We care for each other, for Christ’s sake. We shouldn’t be fighting like children.”
I say: “Whatever. Im so sure.”
I think: “He looks so upset. He must really care about this. I had no idea that he’d be so upset about this.”
I say: “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of nothing.”
I think: “I’m a terrible person. I can’t believe I did that.”
I say: “I forgot! I suck! I’m sorry!”
I think: “I just need some air for a few seconds. It’s getting too mean in here.”
I say: “I’m going to pee, Mr. Knows-when-you-are-sleeping-knows-when-you’re-awake. Is that okay with you? God!”
I think: “I can’t believe he said that to me. That really hurt my feelings.”
I say: “Well, lets take a look at our own shallow little life before we start dissecting mine.”
I think: “I don’t want him to leave.”
I say: “Just go then. Fine.”
I think: “I’m losing this argument.”
I say: “I’m tired. I just want some sleep. I can’t think straight with you saying the same damn things over and over and over.”
And it goes on from there. That’s how to translate Pamie-Fight to English. Like I said, it doesn’t get that bad anymore, but I’ve had some doozy fights.
I’m just feeling a little guilty about last night’s argument because I just get so defensive whenever someone is upset with me. I just freak out, I really do. How do I fix everything as quickly as possible? What should I do? What do I do? I need to just calm down, take a deep breath, and realize that he is not saying that everything is my fault and some of it is indeed my fault and this does not mean the end of the world, but rather just something that every couple does while sorting out their relationship.
But just like George McFly, I’m not very good at confrontations.