how to woo a girl

are you in love or just another stalker?

Before you decide if you love a girl, it’s very important to know if you are pursuing her, or merely stalking her. One is very charming, and makes your stomach flutter. The other is very frightening, and makes your stomach hang in that lower part of your spine reserved for your kidneys.

And there’s definitely a fine line. Some may consider Romeo a stalker…and he definitely had some stalker qualities, but there was a mutual attraction there, and that’s sometimes the bottom line. If the love/lust is both ways, go for it. If not, re-evaluate the way you approach your love, and decide if you’re going past dreamy and into creepy. A checklist, if you will:

A GOOD BOY calls you to find out how your day went. He calls to see if your dentist appointment was fine… if you got the letter he slipped in your locker…He calls to tell you how much he thinks about you during the day and by-the-way-have-you-lost-weight?
A STALKER calls you to find out if you saw him watching you in class today. He calls to find out why you didn’t tell him you had a dentist appointment and why didn’t you ask him to recommend a dentist because he knows a great one and that’s why you should marry him…He calls to ask if you got the five letters he left in your locker and the four he gave to Julie to give to you and the three he put on your car windshield… He calls to tell you he can’t stop thinking about you during the day and by-the-way-are-we-losing-each-other?

A GOOD BOY leaves occasional e-mail that goes along the lines of “On the way to the store… do you need anything?”
A STALKER leaves one e-mail at the end of the day: “On the way to bridge…will you stop me?”

A GOOD BOY will buy you music, and occasionally write you a song or two that is usually pretty bad, but you love it anyway, because you can hear his voice wobble a little when he gets to the part about sleeping in your arms.
A STALKER will leave hand-written lyrics taped to your door, some he made up, others he found somewhere else. He writes you songs, too, and you can hear his voice wobble a little when he gets to the part about breathing in your breath.
GOOD BOY’s musical selections for you: “Buddy Holly,” by Weezer, “Everlong,” by Foo Fighters, “Crazy for You,” by Madonna.
STALKER’s musical selections for you: “No One Else,” by Weezer, “Walking After You,” by Foo Fighters, “Right Here Waiting,” by Richard Marx.

A GOOD BOY is interested in your family and is very nice to them when he meets them. They ask about said boy when he is not around.
A STALKER is interested in being invited to the next family reunion. They ask about when said boy is taking them to Six Flags again.

GOOD BOY: one ring.
STALKER: fifteen. Just to make sure he’s heard.

A GOOD BOY puffs up a little around the exes, and makes sure they know he’s the new man in town. He threatens (but only in quiet) that he should kick their asses for what they did to you.
A STALKER leaves ex-boyfriends’ carcasses lying on your front doorstep like a cat leaves it’s kill. He is sitting next to them, all puffed up, looks at you and says, “Who wants a picnic?”

A GOOD BOY calls you “honey,” “sweetie,” “baby doll,” or “cutie.”
A STALKER calls you “eternal love,” “Princess of my Underworld,” “Master of my dementia,” or “Miss-Never-Call-Me-Back.”

A GOOD BOY refers to his ex-girlfriends as “her,” “the last one,” or sometimes even “bitch.”
A STALKER refers to his ex-girlfriend(s) as “The One That Got Away,” “The Girl From Canada,” or “Little Miss Runs Real Fast.”

Please don’t be a stalker. Please don’t encourage a stalker. If you stand outside the door while they ring the doorbell over and over and go, “I mean it! Stop! I’m gonna tell my new boyfriend and he’ll be really mad….did I mention I’m gay?” Just tell him to go away and ignore him…trust me. They keep coming back at just the slightest touch of weakness. If you look like you could be softening because you feel bad for him and you secretly like the attention– you’re only getting what you deserve.
Love is a very beautiful thing, and if done correctly, the wooing process is the stuff great stories are made of. Stalker stories are only fun to tell during late night cookie dough sessions, or to get some guy to get the stalker off your back.
pamie, you ask, what prompted this story? I’ll tell you. Not that I haven’t had my share of stalkers, which I have, but I watched the silly film Play Misty For Me last night, and I swear Clint Eastwood should have seen her stalkin’ ass coming a mile away, and I don’t want to perpetuate that kind of behavior.

tell me your sweetest/’s someone’s story: My sweetie and I had just finished dinner at Trudy’s. I knew that one of my exes was currently attending UT Law School.(One of those nasty Hopwood sneak-ins. Either that or his dad paid a hell of a lot of money to get him in. Just my opinion.) Anyway. We were leaving and lo and behold who is coming through the door. He’s smiling and trying to put on that charm that got me in trouble in the first place. But right behind me is my sweetie. He says hello, lovingly puts his arms around me, gives me a kiss, tells me he loves me and reminds me that we have someplace to be. Not only did I get to show that guy, how totally over him I was, but I also got to show him that he lost his chance and there was a new guy in town.( A much bigger and stronger guy.)
He was MY stalker. We broke up and he still called. He still came by. I stupidly still went out with him when he asked. Even into college, he would try to drag me along. “I’m dating this other girl and we’re pretty serious, but do you want to go out tonight?” These were the calls I would get when I came home for vacations in college. He pried into my private life, but all of that ended with a sweet and carefully executed show of real love and affection. I haven’t heard from him since. Hooray for my Knight in Shining Armor!!

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