Try to pick which of the following dumb-ass moves I made in the past twenty-four hours:

1. In looking for a beloved earring, I managed to smash it underneath my shoe. Even over my own sobbing, I was able to hear my grandmother’s shrieks of horror from the afterlife.

2. While clearing space on the counter for the coffee pot, I managed to knock my beloved Samantha Who? coffee mug into the sink, shattering the handle.

3. Somehow managed to wash all of my white sheets and towels with a black ink pen. I’ve run them three times with bleach and Oxyclean and yet: I’m still the miserable new owner of zebra tie-dyed linens.

4. Managed to change out of pajamas in order to run an errand. Victory is brief! Upon returning, I then managed to drop an entire iced latte all over the front of my new skirt… and splattered coffee Exorcist-style all across the entryway to my apartment.

5. All of the above, because this is not the first entry you’ve ever read here.

If you picked Number Five, congrats! You’re having a much better day than I am.

[Other items jacked in the past week or so include: my iPhone case, my digital camera, a pair of shoes, my elbow.]