First:

A Short Play to Demonstrate the Amount of Control Anna Beth Chao Has Over My Life

[Two women sit 1736 miles away from each other.

An unemployed blonde with absolutely nothing to do for months stares at her living room bookcase, picks up her cell phone and sends a text.]

PAMIE: What if I moved the Flurgen* to the other wall? Where the puffs hang? And put tiny couch where the big couch is?

[The other woman is tiny, wearing Hammer pants, and is currently painting the area behind her kitchen electrical sockets, using a toothbrush made of unicorn eyelashes. Her phone buzzes. She looks at the message, and immediately texts back:]

ANNA BETH: No

Fin

* Flurgen = code for the IKEA bookcase that almost killed us.

And for those of you who can’t get enough of watching me look like a dork, Glark posted his footage of Zipline Badass. In HD. Bonus: He aligns both POVs, so you can Zapruder my humiliation.

Happy Mardi Gras! I’m totally flashing you my boobs right now, I promise.