[scripty]
ALEX
So, um, pamie. How are you holding up? …You know, with the whole Johnny Depp thing.

PAMIE
What? WHAT?! WHAT HAPPENED?

ALEX
Oh. I thought you would have known. His kid is sick.

PAMIE
Really? Which one?

ALEX
I… well, I didn’t know he had more than one.

PAMIE
HE HAS TWO.

ALEX
Okay. The one with the weird name.

PAMIE
Lily Rose? What’s wrong?

ALEX
I guess she got a cut? And it got infected?

PAMIE
Is it staph or sepsis?

ALEX
Um…

PAMIE
STAPH OR SEPSIS?

ALEX
Jesus! I don’t know. Ask Katey. She probably knows.
[/scripty]

[Katey is the only person I’ve ever known whose dedication to All Things Depp rivals mine.]

[scripty]
PAMIE
Katey! Katey! How’s Lily Rose?

KATEY
She’s fine. She’s okay.

PAMIE
Good. Hey, do you know about the movie that’s so good that I haven’t been able to sleep since I found out about it?

KATEY
I can’t wait to find out.

PAMIE
It doesn’t exist yet, but when I tell you about it, you’re never going to sleep again.

KATEY
Tell me.

PAMIE
Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie are doing Wuthering Heights.

[A moment of silence as four women lose their breath.]

KATEY
That’s…

PAMIE
I know. I know!

KATEY
Oh. Oh, my God.

LIZ
I just… God, I want to fuck that movie so hard.

PAMIE
I know! I want that movie inside of me.

KATEY
I so need that movie in me.

PAMIE
Right now. In me. Right here. I want that movie on my face. I want that movie screaming my name.

LIZ
Oh, my God. That is a seriously hot movie.

PAMIE
Even if it sucks, it’s going to be SO AWESOME.

LIZ
I want to bend that movie over and just… oh, man!

KATEY
Why isn’t everybody talking about this all the time?

JESSICA
You know what would make that movie better? If they switched the roles. If Angelina Jolie played Heathcliff–

PAMIE
Oh, Jessica. Oh, my God. That’s the best idea of all time!

JESSICA
Because she’s so masculine and hot, and Johnny would be so feminine as Cathy! So hot!

PAMIE
I can’t handle how hot this is! Call them! Call them now and make it happen! It’s the best idea ever!

JESSICA
Post it on pamie.com! Get it out there in the universe!

LIZ
Use the power of The Secret! Make it happen!

PAMIE
Okay!
[/scripty]