Suddenly, I found myself violently pitched forward. It took me a second to realize that someone had rear-ended me, which I found disorienting because whenever I imagine myself getting into a car accident, I just assume it will be my fault. So I was pretty unprepared for the scummy guy who emerged from the car behind me, moseyed up to my window, and explained, “Sorry, my man! I was looking at a chick, you know how it is! Uh? Uh?”

No, I do not know how it is, and it’s not because I’m gay. It’s because I’m not a cartoon wolf in a zoot suit whose eyes bug out and go “AH-OO-GAH!” when I see clothed boobs on the sidewalk. I mean, this chick must have been fucking amazing. More likely, she had a penis the size of a baseball bat.

The recent string of bad luck in Eric’s life has fueled some seriously hilarious posts I like to think of as The Anger Chronicles.