Twenty-five opening sentences of blog entries I’ve started in the past two months

1) Have you ever barely stopped yourself from vomiting while busily in the process of cleaning someone else’s kitchen?

2) I’ve never run out of gas before, and my mother promised me that if I ever did she wouldn’t come and pick me up.

3) Monster-in-Law: what’s the most number of times YOU’VE ever watched it one day?

4) Dear friends: trust when I say that I am actually still alive.

5) The cats think my toes are a monster.

6) Shut up, Cameron Crowe, and here’s why:

7) I’m happy that my friends want to come to trivia night, but I am NOT happy that their teams kick my ass EVERY SINGLE TIME.

8) I’m a tiny little bit homesick for Hollywood.

9) If I ever meet the President, I have a very strong feeling I will utter the sentence, “This is for thousands of dead troops, the single mother who raised me, and my boyfriend” before punching him square in the face.

10) My cousin forgot to invite me to her wedding…FORGOT.

11) Want to hear an adorable story about our cats?

12) What do Catwoman, Elizabethtown, The Core, Mission to Mars, and Hello Kitty all have in common?

13) All things considered, “Slimer” is a pretty hilarious last name.

14) I have nothing new to add to this Britney discussion, so…yeah.

15) “Come one, come all, come pickle ball!”

16) Fern Dell is the name of a street in Los Feliz, and Fawn Dale is the name of a town in Oregon that’s her white trash sister.

17) Three things that can’t last forever: well, I don’t know the first two, but the last one is the Mets staying in first place in the NL East.

18) The cats: cutest kittens in the world, or just way more cuter than all other cats?

19) So, “Get Out Of My Dreams, Get Into My Car” has been stuck in my head for, like, three straight days, particularly the call-and-response “Hey!” “Hey!” “You!” “You!” part at the beginning, which is totally the best part.

20) My four biggest phobias are cockroaches, being buried alive, vomiting, and tangled wires.

21) I know 9 out of every 10 blogs are just pictures of people’s cats, but, well, I just can’t help it:

22) If you don’t know the music of XTC, you don’t know music at all.

23) Dear World Cup: please end soon so I can get a table for lunch at ANY restaurant in Los Angeles, which, until recently, I thought was a town in AMERICA, where they DON’T CARE about SOCCER.

24) Here are about ten million pictures of the cats:

25) I’m gonna go home and sleep with my wife!

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