When I first got my satellite radio as a birthday gift last year, it was explicitly given to me for the singular purpose of listening to Howard Stern. Now, before you judge me on the basis of that alone, please note that I fall outside of what the world perceives to be his demographic: I don’t think bad things about women or minorities, I don’t go to Scores, and I don’t kiss girls. Because listening to Howard Stern doesn’t make you racist or sexist. Also? Video games don’t make you violent. Tell your Congressman. Anyway.

Since my friends and family are amazingly ahead of the curve, Howard wasn’t going to be on for another year, leaving me lots of time to get the hang of the satellite interface. And believe me, in those early days, they seemed just as surprised to see me as I was them.

Every job I’ve ever had requires me to know the latest developments in either television or film, but outside of those rock solid areas, my pop culture knowledge can sometimes go a bit haywire. This applies most dramatically to music, where, besides a few of these so-called “modern artists” I will follow to the end of the earth (Aimee Mann, Fiona Apple, The Shins, Elliott Smith when I’m convinced he’ll find a way to put out more albums after his death than before it, just like Biggie), I find myself alone in my car, looking around like someone’s about to find me out, before announcing aloud to the empty vehicle, “Screw y’all. I’m alone. You can’t stop me from listening to Squeeze.”

Which brings us to the apex of this liberating cheesy music confessional: Movin’ EZ. Movin’ EZ is a channel on my satellite radio — Channel 4, to be specific — that traffics entirely in the softest soft rock that rock has ever asked me not to call “rock.” But since smart people like myself know that truly brilliant cheesy Lite-FM ended with the 80s, they’re careful not to play anything in the Josh Groban, Celine Dion area. This is purely vintage-hits-of-yesteryear stuff. It’s more Kenny Loggins than Kenny G. It’s sometimes also more Kenny Rogers than Kenny G. What I’m saying is that I don’t listen to Kenny G. I mean, c’mon. It’s not like I’m some kind of loser.For a while, I tried to smokescreen my love of Movin’ EZ. I would sing along to “Theme From Mahogany” or “Mandy” at full volume, turning to whoever was in my passenger seat and announcing, “Man! It sure is fun to be hilariously ironic and listen to a whole lot of Movin’ EZ, am I right? Who loves hilarious hipster irony, with the Seals and the Crofts and the…” But then I stopped talking. Why did I stop talking? Because more often than not, I was actually alone in the car. The irony had drained away, and only the soft hits of the 60s, 70s, and 80s had remained. Movin’ EZ had me in its unholy grips and I could no longer pretend otherwise. I was all in and I had to admit it. Because any grown man who listens to a radio station with an apostrophe in it is really making a commitment.So, that in mind, it became time for my iPod to suffer right along. And so I present to you the first installment of my “Movin’ EZ” playlist, a sixteen-song opus of the best cheesy music my parents dumped on me and I now pass along to you. It’s the sound of the scratchy record player in my mom’s den, as I sat on the red, yellow, and orange shag-carpeted floor, convinced that no better music could ever exist. I’m still pretty sure I was right all along.Song: “Summer Breeze”Artist: Seals and CroftsSample lyric: “Sweet days of summer, the jasmine’s in bloom / July is dressed up and playing her tune.”Why it’s awesome: This song was almost redeemed from decades of gay-ass obscurity when it was featured in a Gap ad a while back, and I was all, “Finally, the world will know its greatness!” Like many great 70s music visionaries, this band wasn’t afraid of everything considered off-limits in pop music today. First off, the cover of their Greatest Hits album (which is where I downloaded this song from. I don’t know their catalogue that well; I wouldn’t call myself a “Seals and Crofts” fan, per se. Again, it’s not like I’m some kind of loser so STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT) features two men (Seals is the one on the right. No, left) standing on a large, beach-y expanse, as if they’re the last two men on Summer-Breeze-back Mountain. Also, the song doesn’t shy away from a liberal use of flutes, which I find particularly brave.Song: “Islands in the Stream”Artists: Dolly Parton and Kenny RogersSample lyric: “We rely on each other, uh-huh / From one lover to another, uh-huh.”Why it’s awesome: The absolute last word in cheesy love duets. Dolly Parton has experienced quite the renaissance in the past few years, so it might be kiiiiiiind of cool to like this song. But that perceived coolness factor is not why my friend Nadia and I rock the shit out of this song in every karaoke bar in New York. We rock it because this song is perfect. Someday she’ll let me do the Dolly part.Song: “Always”Artist: Atlantic StarrSample lyric: “Come with me, my sweet / Let’s go make a family.”Why it’s awesome: Oh, look! We’ve made it into the 80s! A love duet of a completely different order than the one profiled just above, this song will hurl you back in time to the days of the seventh grade dance, when you were slow dancing with a member of the opposite sex for the first time ever, standing nine feet away from one another, his hands barely grazing the tops of her shoulders. Some cultures also refer to this move as “The Eternal Flame.” Very hot. Also, the “ooooo” section at the end of this song is so long and self-indulgent that several lesser love songs fit conveniently within it.Song: “The Things We Do For Love”Artist: 10ccSample lyric: “You think you’re gonna break up / Then she says she wants to make up.”Why it’s awesome: Do you think you don’t know this song? You know it. Here’s the chorus: “Like walkin’ in the rain and the snow and there’s nowhere to go and you’re feeling like a part of you is dying.” You know it now, right? Also, this song doesn’t shy away from a liberal use of handclaps, which I find particularly brave.Song: “The Search Is Over”Artist: SurvivorSample lyric: “Now at last I hold you / Now all is said and done / The search has come full circle / Our destinies are one / So if you ever loved me show me that you give a damn / You’ll know for certain the man I really am.”Why it’s awesome: This song is a little more power ballad than most of the other selections on here, but the reason I had to include it is simple. This past Christmas, I was driving my mom’s car, and I found a mix tape she made for herself in 1983. I loved the fact that she has had no fewer than five cars in the last quarter century, and that this 90-minute Maxell tape found its way from car to car because, I guess, there was no other way for her to hear “Owner of a Lonely Heart.” Mom and I spent a lot of time in her car when I was home, and “The Search is Over” would stop all conversation when it came on, until I was able to complete my Star Search audition. When I was back in LA the following week, my roommate Rachael and I were driving to the Valley to go shopping, and this song came on the radio. Right around the end of the bridge (“Then good luck it finally struck like lightning from the blue / Every highway’s leading me back to you!”), she shook her head and observed, “I’ve gotta give it to you, Blau. You’ve derived more enjoyment from this song than I could ever have imagined possible.”Song: “Eye In The Sky”Artist: Alan Parsons ProjectSample lyric: “I can read your mind.”Why it’s awesome: I heard this song for the first time in my adult life on August 31, 2001, a date that is forever preserved in amber in my mind. It was the day before I left to move to LA, and I was temping at an investment bank in the financial district. I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge to get to work every day that hot summer, bought a yogurt and a coffee at a deli on Water Street, and continued from there to the office where I worked. On this last day, the deli was playing this song, and I vividly remember thinking, “I have not heard this song since I was maybe six years old. And, oh yeah, this is one freaky song.” Then I went to work, went home, and drove to LA the following morning. Two weeks later, two buildings fell down and fucked up my office and my deli something good. And for some reason, this utterly random moment on August 31 remains as the last clear memory I have of the old downtown Manhattan.Onto the song itself: all right. I’ll admit it. It scares the holy living hell out of me. it’s about some sort of omniscient character who seems to live in the sky and hear all of my thoughts. Creepy. But more than all that, I think it terrifies me a little because — hold your breath — it’s just fundamentally not that cheesy. I mean, it’s not exactly a song from the past that would burn its way up the pop charts if it were released today (that would be “Who Do You Think You Are” by the Spice Girls, by the way), but it’s not all simple and poppy, and the chords in the verses sound like they could have been used on an episode of Twin Peaks. I get very spooked out when I hear this song.Song: “You Can Do Magic”Artist: America (yes, the same band responsible for the reprehensible “Horse With No Name”)Sample lyric: “You know darn well when you cast your spell you will get your way / When you hypnotize with your eyes a heart of stone can turn to clay.”Why it’s awesome: I had this song trapped in my head a while back, and my friend Christine was all, “The hell?” She had never heard it, which I found a scandal. So, musically-inclined as she is, I sang it to her right there, and she learned it on the spot. We sing it in harmony while we’re walking down the street a lot, and she’s never heard it once. Now THAT right there is a catchy song.Song: “Never Gonna Let You Go”Artist: Sergio MendesSample lyric: The electric synth solo is better than any lyric this song could have produced. It was seriously Korg’s proudest day of all time.Why it’s awesome: Because it’s almost “Always,” but it takes place after the break-up. If there were a couples version of American Idol, you would hear this song six-thousand times a season. It’s the “On the Wings of Love” of love duets. And, say, Dan, where is “On the Wings of Love” on this mix, I can hear you asking. To that, I beg your patience until the sixteen-song Part Two of this entry, coming up soon.Song: “Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl)”Artist: Looking GlassSample lyric: “Brandy wears a braided chain made of finest silver from the North of Spain / A locket that bears the name of the man that Brandy loves.”Why it’s awesome: It’s just fucking awesome. The best thing about this song — and perhaps the most enduring quality of old school Lite FM music — is how happy it makes the people who hear it. I rarely see people smile the way they do when this heartbreaking tale of Brandy the lovelorn barmaid comes on Movin’ EZ.Song: “I Can Dream About You”Artist: Dan HartmanSample lyric: “Moving sidewalks I don’t see under my feet / Climbing up from down here below where the street sees me lonely for you.”Why it’s awesome: It’s just okay. Very generic 80s cheese. Sorry for the filler song. This one was also on mom’s mix. She may well be listening to this song right now. Hi, mom.Song: “I’d Really Love To See You Tonight”Artist: England Dan and John Ford ColeySample lyric: “We could go walking through a windy park / Take a drive along the beach / Or stay at home and watch TV / You see, it really doesn’t matter much to me.”Why it’s awesome: On such a diverse and eclectic mix of cheesy hits, it’s hard to choose favorites. And it may well be unfair. But I can’t help it. This is my favorite song. It defines 70s pop, possessing all of the best elements of the genre: it addresses the theme of great proclamations of love, it has two men singing to each other as if they’re really gay, and it features production values so slick they cross over into greasy (cue the fake string orchestrations). And, just when you think it’s hitting a wall at the bridge…a choir of over-produced female back-up singers! I reeeeeeeeeally want this to be my wedding song. And I want a full band to accompany my boyfriend and I as we sing it to each other at the reception. There. You now know everything about me. All that and it’s only two minutes and forty seconds long. Why SHOULD it take any longer than that to fall in love?Song: “Even The Nights Are Better”Artist: Air SupplySample lyric: “Even the days are brighter / When someone you love’s beside ya.”Why it’s awesome: If I need to explain Air Supply to you, there’s no way you’re still reading this entry.Song: “Higher Love”Artist: Steve WinwoodSample lyric: “I can light the night up with my soul on fire.”Why it’s awesome: We’re still in the 80s here, but barely. In my musical memory, this song qualifies as almost…recent. My brother, my mom, and I car tripped the hell out this country when I was growing up, and there was a stash of my mom’s favorite tapes that we listened to no fewer than one million times on those drives. I can’t hear a note of Paul Simon’s “Graceland” or Huey Lewis’s “Sports” without being back in the car down I-95, driving to Disneyworld. Also on that list were Meat Loaf’s “Bat Out Of Hell” (explain yourself, mother) and Steve Winwood’s “Back In The High Life.” You can’t get around it: it’s cheesy. It belongs on here. Which breaks my heart. Because out of all of this easily dismissible shit, this really was the one song I used to think was pretty cool. The folly of childhood.Song: “You’re No Good”Artist: Linda RonstadtSample lyric: “You’re no good, you’re no good, you’re no good / Baby, you’re no good / I’m gonna say it again.”Why it’s awesome: This song is the reason the “Movin’ EZ” playlist exists to begin with, because this song played on the “Movin’ EZ” radio station the day I first plugged in the radio. This woman is a genius.Song: “No One Is To Blame”Artist: Howard JonesSample lyric: “You can build a mansion but you just can’t live in it / You’re the fastest runner but you’re not allowed to win.”Why it’s awesome: I’ve loved Howard Jones since music existed. I’ve seen Howard Jones in concert. I’ve known Howard Jones. I’ve worked with Howard Jones. And to all other introspective singer-songwriters I say respectfully: you, sir, are no Howard Jones.Song: “Easy”Artist: The CommodoresSample lyric: “I’m easy like Sunday morning.”Why it’s awesome: Yeah, like this mix could have ended with any other song.Next week: sixteen more songs on “Movin’ EZ 2: On The Wings Of Cheese.”