Suck It, Kamenetzky — The Rebuttal

[I offered Andy a chance to respond to last night’s post when he called last night to ask, “All you got was ‘Suck it, Kamentzky?’ Twice?”

Here it is.]

Well, first and foremost, I would like to extend my (reasonably) heartfelt congratulations to the Texas Longhorns on their victory. It was one of the best football games I’ve ever seen in my life, and I know how much it meant to lifelong fans of Texas football. People like Pam. I can’t recall the number of times I’ve tried in vain to console her as she begged Jesus, Yahweh, Allah, Buddha, that Hindu dude with all the arms, and L. Ron for a national title to once again grace the Lone Star State. With this championship, she can dramatically change her lifestyle, and now only acknowledge UT football 15 minutes before whatever bowl they’re playing in that particular year. It’s a load off her shoulders, for sure.

A well-earned Texas win, for sure. That being said, I’d like to list just a few reasons why USC is still cooler than Texas.

1) While watching the game, I noticed way more Texas fans in face paint, body paint, and colored wigs than USC folks. Those, ladies and gentlemen, are losers. I am a huge football fan. But there are limits, and those tools crossed them. I’m not saying there weren’t any ‘SC guys doing the same thing. I recall 2 BFF, one with an “S,” one with a “C,” on their chests. They’re also losers. I’m just saying, more Texans doing it. Thus, more Texan losers.

2) Our main cheer spells out “Southern California,” letter by letter. By chanting this, we’re doing our part to battle the nation’s ongoing literacy problem. USC football cares. Texas football, however, opts not to tackle this issue. Now I’m not saying it’s because most of their fans can’t read anyway, but…

3) Texas QB Vince Young absolutely played out of his skull, a man among boys. I stopped counting when he reached the kajillion yard mark. Unreal. And a classy, good kid on top of it. But Matt Leinart, USC’s QB, is still cooler. Why, you may ask? Because the guy is the biggest ladies man on the planet. Dude’s a bigger celebrity than most A-List stars. He can get any woman on the planet. He rarely goes 4 hours without having sex. In fact, he had sex about 8 times during that game. I’m pretty sure I saw Tara Reid blowing him in the huddle. As we speak, I guarantee he’s doing a fan as she’s reading this post. And that’s an open-ended statement, by the way. Five years from now, when a reader checks out this archived entry, Leinart will be hooking up with some young lady also reading it. He’s a God. And unless you’re some kind of heathen atheist, God always trumps talent. Thus, USC is on top. Like the 2 Playmates currently riding Matt Leinart.

4) Would you rather be in Texas or California? I thought so.

5) Our most visible alum isn’t starring in the soon-to-be-released “Failure to Launch,” with Sarah Jessica Parker.

6) USC film school helped shape Ron Howard’s skills. He went on to create “Arrested Development,” the best comedy in years, which has since suffered low ratings and cancellation, mostly due to poor ratings in Texas.*

7) Whenever you do the “Hook ’em Horns” hand sign, it looks like a Motley Crue fan lacking the courage to raise a thumb. Or a guy saying “aloha” incorrectly. Either way, weak.

8) USC’s marching band played on the Fleetwood Mac classic, “Tusk.” When’s the last time the Texas marching band hung out with rock stars?

9) Texans live for football. Texas breeds some of the nation’s best college football players each year, many of whom play for UT. And with all that going for them, there was still a 35 year drought. Sad. But fear not, Longhorns. 2040 is just around the corner.

10) I imagine W was rooting for Texas.
Fight on,


* – Technically, this is more of an unfounded hunch than a statement backed in actual fact.


Thanks, Andy. Now go back to pretending the Lakers are awesome.

I could rebut the rebuttal, but I’m going to take the gentlemanly route, and let him have the last, albeit shaky, word. But as for why Texas fans are having fun in wigs and make-up? I think it might be because you Southern California boys put on wigs and mascara all the time. I’m talking to you, Film Pigs. Aw, FACE!

Number ten is a very valid point, though. Worth ten points alone.

My favorite part of my phone conversation with Andy last night was when he told me about the discussion he had with his brother:

It’s that one day a year Pam pulls out her Texas shirt and goes all Longhorn on us.

Let me guess — she can’t name one person on the team, but knows they have a pretty good quarterback?

I am sure you’re right.

Who’s she watching the game with, anyway?

I think… Dan?

Oh, man.

I know.

All true. Except I knew who Vince Young was because John totally capped on me for not knowing about two months ago. But other than that, all true. I had to call Texas to find a friend who gave a shit about the game. These drama types don’t really care about all the footballin’. It works for me 364 days out of the year, but every once in a while I miss twenty friends packed into a living room, with a cooler by the table, shouting and scaring the cats. Dan did a good job last night, quickly picking up the rules and cheering at the right parts.

Football season’s pretty short around here. I deal mostly with Baseball boys.

So thanks for giving me someone to rival, AK. I appreciate it. See you next year, when we kick your ass again. Hook ’em.

Comments (