Today, I am thirty.

Effective immediately, the following changes in my lifestyle must ergo go into effect:

*Pervasive appreciation of mid-70s easy listening music.
*Mistrust and inability to play/understand videogames either a) invented after 1986 or b) not concerning the fine art of karaoke.
*Dietary restrictions too numerous to mention because “my body just doesn’t work like it used to.”
*Desire to be in bed at 10PM, replete with anger that “The Daily Show” is “on a little later than I’d in reality like it to be, frankly.”
*TiVo “Meet the Press,” care about issues it presents.
*Easy listening station loses its way and decides to fuck up your day with a Josh Groban song? Flip the station and rock out for a few minutes…to NPR!

Oh, my god. I’ve only been thirty for twenty hours, but I’ve been acting thirty for about six and a half years.

Happy birthday to…wait what were we talking about again? Oh, that’s right? It was…zzzzzzz.