So, sometimes you want to order a pizza. And sometimes you’re slightly tired and delirious and you’ve had a couple of beers without getting to eat any of THAT PIZZA THAT HASN’T SHOWN UP YET. And you call Pizza Hut (sorry, all of my friends in New York) because you’re in L.A. and it’s late and the REALLY good pizza place in Pam’s neighborhood doesn’t deliver and at Pizza Hut you have a V.I.P. (“Very Into Pizza”) card that allows for discounts and free breadsticks (shut up, everyone who mistakenly thought I had even the slightest modicum of class).

And then it’s forty minutes later. And there’s still no pizza.

[scripty]
DAN:
Can you call them? I’m dying of hunger.

PAM:
That giant bag of Doritos didn’t do it for you?

DAN:
There’s no giant bag of Doritos.

PAM:
You ate the bag too, Dan.

DAN:
Can you call Pizza Hut?

PAM:
You should call. I’m too hungry to remember my name on the phone.

DAN:
It’s your house. You’re the one who is very into pizza.

PAM:
Yeah, like they wouldn’t believe you were me on the phone.
[/scripty]
I win. Pam calls.

[scripty]
PAM:
Hello? Yes, hi. We ordered a pizza, like, an hour ago. Just wondering if it’s almost here. Uh-huh. Yes. Oh, okay. Thanks.Pam hangs up.PAM: They’re almost here. They said it will be here any minute.

DAN:
It will be here any minute?

PAM:
That’s what they said.

DAN:
What about this minute?

PAM:
That’s possible. It’s one of any.

DAN:
Yeah, but…

PAM: What?

DAN:
“Any.” Any minute.

PAM:
Okay.

DAN:
Well, “any” encompasses all of the minutes. It could be any minute…

PAM: But not…

DAN:
Yes.

PAM:
But not the minutes that have already passed.

DAN:
You are so feeling me.

PAM:
The pizza couldn’t be here ANY minute, because the pizza could not have been here five minutes ago. Because that minute has already passed, and it has passed without the delivery of our pizza. One of “any” is already one of the minutes during which the pizza did not arrive.

DAN:
Correct. The minute you spent figuring that out was one of “any,” and also a minute during which the pizza did not arrive.

PAM:
The pizza will not arrive yesterday afternoon.

DAN:
The pizza will not arrive during The Crusades.

PAM:
The pizza will not arrive during me saying, “The pizza will not arrive.”

DAN:
WHERE IS THE PIZZA?

PAM:
Cooler heads must prevail: wouldn’t the “any” imply that it is any minute starting from when they tell you that?

DAN:
But that isn’t the to-the-letter definition of “any.” The expression needs to be amended to “any future minute.”

PAM:
Which means…

DAN:
That we…

PAM:
Have disproved the existence of the basic concept of “any.”

DAN:
I’m afraid we have.

PAM:
We are going to be REALLY famous.

DAN:
Pretty much.

PAM:
Everyone is going to want to talk to us.

DAN:
They’re going to put us in journals.

PAM:
We should start our own journal.

DAN:
“The Journal Of Truth And Greatness.”

PAM:
With us on the cover, discussing our new article, “The Myth Of Any.”

DAN:
“Any? Not Anymore.”

PAM:
With our author photo of us sitting at the kitchen table, drinking beer and eating pizza.

DAN:
WHERE IS THE PIZZA?

PAM:
Wait.

DAN:
Okay.

PAM:
Does it only apply to time? Because if it can’t be ANY minute because it cannot encompass those minutes that have already passed, what if it’s applied to something in a more controlled context? Like, “Have any piece of pizza you want.”

DAN:
Right. But I can’t have the pizza I made at my eleventh birthday party at “Kitchen Time,” where you invite all of your friends over and you cook a meal together.

PAM:
You had your eleventh birthday at a place called “Kitchen Time”?

DAN:
All the girls were doing it, Pam. I’m just saying I can’t have that piece of pizza. It already gone. One fewer than any.

PAM:
What expression would replace “any” then?

DAN:
“Every minute”?

PAM:
No, that would mean every time the second hand hit the twelve, we would get another pizza.

DAN:
Let’s live in THAT world. Why won’t you just admit how awesome we are?

PAM:
I’m trying to head off the criticism of our detractors.

DAN:
What about “when the time comes”?

PAM:
“When the time comes” is the new “any.”

DAN:
That would make an awesome Glarkware shirt.The doorbell rings.

PAM:
Pizza’s here.

DAN:
Where should I put it?

PAM:
Anywhere you want.
[/scripty]