“Hey-hey, ladies! You like my sign? Show me your rack! And blow me up, Tom! And woo-hoo!

You know what’s cool about Tom Leykis? Everything. The man tells me exactly how to keep my cash in the bank, and not have to spend any of it on gold digging bitches. That’s all I get these days, are gold digging bitches. Every woman is on my jock, hoping to shake out a few nickels.

Because of Tom, I know how to head (huh-huh) these ladies off at the path. I know how to get them before they get me. That’s right. This sign. It’s really a handy tool (huh-huh).

SHOW ME YOUR RACK.

And with me? Every day is Flash Friday. You know I’m sayin’? Aw, shit. You know you gotta hit it to me one time. I freakin’ thought outside the goddamn box on that shit. Ha-haaaaah.

What fine ass bitch jogging through Eagle Rock can’t resist my sign? I mean, bitch knows I have a job. I’m right here, working it! She knows I know how to get her cable (I have a ladder). She knows I probably know where to score weed. Not that I’m gonna spend a dime on that bitch, who probably already has an ex-husband and a few babies. All women be like, trapping men by making babies. No, sir. I’m on to that. It’s easier to make a baby than to make a van payment. What-what! Take me out, Kobe style!

Also, I think it’s really important that we support our troops.

And America.

Hey, you think Tom Leykis can help me co-sign a lease? I sure could use a co-signer.

Hey, pretty girl! Show me your FICO! Show me your FICO, bitch!

Bitches ain’t shit. Take me out, gigantic bong hit style. Yeah, baby.

I’m hungry. I sure hope I get paid soon.”