five things Dan shouldn’t tell you

I have several embarrassing admissions about today, each one more vending-machine-related than the last.

First: it is now after 5PM in New York, and, other than the yogurt and the cup of coffee I had for breakfast at 9:30 this morning, everything I ate today has been from the vending machine located about sixteen steps away from my office. I haven’t gone outside at all.

Second: that amount of snack food has caused me to, save for a few straggling pennies, completely run out of change. Earlier, I jingled when I walked, and now I no longer do. Besides changing the weight of my ass, my snacking has also radically altered the weight of my pants.

Third: Pretzels, strawberry Pop Tarts, Cheetos, different shaped pretzels. Since you asked. I was ten cents away from affording the popcorn, but am proud to report I have yet to move on to using the forbidding dollar slot. Luckily, there’s still time, as my days are somewhat long.

Four: Cheeto dust on the fingers. Nuff said.

Five: And oh, if this isn’t the worst one YET. The Cheetos? Mentioned above in The Third And Fourth Great Admission Of My Embarrassing Day? Well, those Cheetos were just sitting at the bottom of the vending machine, purchased by someone else and then discarded or forgotten about. So I took them. And then I ate them. With glee. To the point that I tipped the bag back and leaned back in my chair in order to enjoy every last one of them.

Now pardon me while I get scurvy.