Tracie: poor Brando.
Dan: can you believe?
Tracie: i know you’re busy, but i had to tell you that i just finished the fametracker blue moons piece about demi moore, and that it almost made me pee my pants.
Dan: that thing almost killed me.
Tracie: jolt cola. man.
Dan: they’re very clever.
Tracie: and now i’m reading your SFU recap.
Dan: the first recap of the season that didn’t suck?
Tracie: oh, stop that.
Dan: okay. last night, i totally got all drunk and self-righteous about monica‘s awesomeness. it wasn’t pretty.
Tracie: you DID?
Tracie: did you guys go out after the movie?
Dan: in fact, yes. aimee mann announced a free concert in this little park in tribeca, so we went in for it.
Tracie: who?
Dan: like, everyone we know. we’ve been moving in packs lately. it’s like we’ve regressed to the period after we graduated from college and we’re all, “i don’t know where to go without my entire a cappella group accompanying me.”
Tracie: i’m sad that i identify as much as i do with that reference.
Dan: so we had a picnic and sat outside and it was lovely.
Tracie: and then, things are about to go terribly wrong.
Dan: but THEN, everyone went home except for me, miranda, and heather. and we found this bar that had six dollar pitchers of bud ice. because we are first-class, all the way.
Tracie: did they listen sympathetically?
Dan: if they didn’t at first, they did after i told them for the fourteenth time how awesome we are.
Dan: though i might have been slurring.
Tracie: are you excited for the meeting?
Dan: i’ve been watching pre-game coverage all day. sure. i guess i’m “excited.”
Tracie: did you get any premonitions about what was going to happen with the show?
Dan: premonitions? who am i, the great dan-dini, broadway soothsayer?
Tracie: let me look at your horoscope.
Dan: i shall plan my life around it accordingly.
Tracie: okay, Aquarius: You will be able to think quite clearly today. Do the best you can with what you have to work with. Do your own thing and let people do theirs. Don’t dwell on other people’s dramas. Don’t be a cheapskate. Spend a couple of dollars to make your life easier.
Dan: wear shades of blue and mauve.
Tracie: mine is so weird.
Dan: do tell.
Tracie: Despite all your rage, you’re still just a rat in a cage. Get out of your box, dear Libra. You will find that influences from other people are apt to cause some serious transformations in your general frame of mind. Let your belief systems become loose and let them morph into other frames of mind. Consider new ways of living. Do things to get out of the streamlined social construction of how you should live your life.
Dan: streamlined social construction?
Dan: is this from a scientology website?
Tracie: why is my horoscope written by ayn rand?
Dan: oh, man. that’s funny.
Tracie: “MSN horoscopes…with psychic AYN RAND!”
Tracie: we should make a website.
Tracie: “Horoscopes by AYN RAND.”
Tracie: except we’d need an AYN RAND expert.
Dan: nah. we can just read one article online. that’s how i become an expert on anything.
Tracie: AYN RAND!
Tracie: i need to type her name in all caps, always. i don’t know why.
Tracie: AYN RAND.
Dan: AYN RAND!
Tracie: AYN RAND!
Dan: AYN RAND!
Tracie: AYN RAND was all about homewrecking and making her young married lover’s wife believe it was for the cause of objectivism.
Tracie: is that from when AYN RAND was a writer for Passions?
Tracie: yes.
Dan: Pieces: Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed. Also, wear shades of blue and mauve.
Tracie: Totally.
Dan: Leo: Reason, the conceptual faculty, is the faculty that identifies and integrates the material provided by man’s senses. Reason is man’s only means of acquiring knowledge. Also, call your mother.
Tracie: Libra: The purpose of art is to concretize the artist’s fundamental view of existence. Unless you have written a dead-end musical about Bill Clinton.
Dan: sagittarius: the progress of a society is dependent on buying Anthem, now in paperback!
Tracie: Leo: Man is a rational being. Except for maybe Ross Perot.
Dan: WHAT?
Dan: AYN RAND has lost it.
Tracie: i know!
Dan: she’s gone mad.
Tracie: then everyone will be all like “what is UP with AYN RAND?”
Dan: “have you seen her column? did you see the one where she told all aries that their heads were all made of cauliflower?” what did that mean?
Dan: AYN RAND!
Tracie: AYN RAND!
Tracie: maybe we should write a musical about AYN RAND!
Dan: “I’m With The Rand”
Dan: “marlon brando is hardly fatless / he can’t move around, or shrug like atlas.”
Tracie: brandon chows on rinds of pork / unlike the hero howard roark
Dan: it’s good, but it’s not enough like Dreamgirls.
Tracie: heh.
Tracie: and then when everyone is on to the fact that her horoscopes are just plain crazy, she’ll start an advice column.
Dan: Dear AYN RAND:
Dan: My husband is always staying late at work. Should I trust that he’s there trying to make a better life for us, or should I be concerned about his fidelity? Signed, Confused.
Tracie: dear confused (because no one gets capitals except for AYN RAND!):
Tracie: the only social system that bars physical force from human relationships is laissez-faire capitalism.
Dan: ps. try talking to a member of your clergy.
Dan: pps. religion is mind control.
Tracie: dear AYN RAND: i’m, like, totally in love with this guy, but he has a wife and a kid and another baby on the way. we just got engaged. people are saying i’m a whore. it all feels so right…how can it be wrong?” sincerely, spitney brears.
Dan: dear spitney:
Dan: you fucking whore.
Dan: love, AYN RAND
Dan: ps. subvert the dominant paradigm.
Tracie: She’s tough.
Dan: But fair.
Dan: Holy hell, WAIT.
Tracie: Yes?
Dan: from some RAND-y website: “From 1950 until the end of their association in 1968, psychologist Nathaniel Branden was the foremost spokesman for Ayn Rand and her philosophy, Objectivism. Founder of the Nathaniel Branden Institute and the organized Objectivist movement, a prolific and best-selling author, and a brilliant public speaker, Dr. Branden is also known as “the father of the self-esteem movement” in psychology. The following are excerpts from a recent exclusive interview with The Atlas Society’s Robert Bidinotto, to appear in The Banner, the newsletter of The Atlas Society.”
Dan: and then…
Tracie: yes?
Dan: from the FAQ: Did she like musicals? No, not American ones. She liked 19th century Viennese operettas, but she didn’t like musicals in general — not the American ones.
Tracie: HA! SHE HATES US!!!
Dan: when did AYN RAND start running the o’neill center?
Tracie: heeeee! maybe she funded the whole thing.
Dan: NYMF is mind control!
Tracie: which is why this season’s headliner is Vienna Fingers of the 19th Century.
Dan: great play.
Tracie: totally.
Dan: and, WTF:
Dan: “We loved The Untouchables on TV, especially the first two seasons. Then it began to fall apart.”
Dan: AYN RAND, culture desk.
Tracie: is that for real?
Dan: Apparently.
Tracie: holy shit.
Tracie: “I remember her talking about Zorro.”
Dan: she really WAS nuts.
Tracie: yes. she was all like, “the first season of Laverne and Shirley was pleasing, with the exception of the Fonzie crossover. Though he was a heroic man, it violates all conceptions of reality.”
Dan: this discussion has been quite fruitful, consdering how little either of us really knows about AYN RAND.
Tracie: yes, we know nothing, though i have seen a movie and read The Fountainhead, so i feel like a bit of an expert.
Dan: not i. thank you, google.
Tracie: AYN RAND!
Dan: AYN RAND!