How often you’ve been kept up nights! Well, the jig is up, and though I haven’t seen it, I can tell you with authority I stumbled into the pages of Time Out New York. In the film section, even though I haven’t made a film. Word has it I’m hiding behind two people you wouldn’t mistake me for. The hopelessly starfucking aspect of my work life is now on sickly stark display. Help.

Oh. And this should warrant MadLib treatment (and you should guess I’d have to be much more subtle about it now that I party with stahs, baby!), but skip Along Came Polly. It’s a sharp stick in the eye. And on the end of the stick is Aniston’s pointy face.

Just kidding. I like her. Shut up. So do you. But seriously, don’t see the movie.