Seventy weeks ago, one of the last times I posted on Da Blog, I promised that there would be a “next” in a self-serving series of cut songs from the musical you might have heard me mention. From the sixty-hour, Roots-length, Ken-Burns-sponsored duration of Monica‘s earlier versions to the leaner, meaner version we have today, some chaff had to fall by the wayside.

And also some things that were kind of brilliant. And some stuff in the middle. And some stuff that isn’t any of those things.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet “It Counts.”

If “A Town Called Hope” was my stillborn baby boy, this one is Tracie’s still-gestating, I’m-sure-Adam-will-get-around-to-writing-the-music-tomorrow pipe dream. One the one hand, it makes a certain amount contextual sense — George tells Bill that the intern candidates are off-limits! On the other hand, it rhymes “bounce” with “flaunt.” On the other hand, Tracie and I finally wrote a weird, ad hoc melody for it so we can sing it in the park. On the other hand, “bounce.” And “flaunt.” And considering the best song in the show pairs up “mocha” with “token,” an eyebrow raise at a half-rhyme is quite a stretch coming from me.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet “It Counts.”

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS:
Sir, I must lay down the law. You are not to so much as pick a piece of so-called “lint” from an intern’s sweater. There will be no one-on-one interaction, no barbecues at the Playboy Mansion and, most importantly, no touching! Is this clear?

BILL:
Well…if that’s all…

SONG: IT COUNTS

BILL:
TO THOSE CONDITIONS I THINK I CAN AGREE
THESE PETTY RESTRICTIONS ON MY LIBERTY

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS:
I DIDN’T EXPECT YOU’D AGREE SO EASILY

BILL:
PERHAPS YOU’RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH MY PHILOSOPHY
A GUY LIKE ME DOESN’T EVEN HAVE TO LAY A HAND
IN MANY CASES I NEED ONLY LEAN BACK AND STAND
NO ONE CAN CALL ME A JERK
I LET THE GIRLS DO ALL THE WORK
LESS EXHAUSTING THAN CLIMBING A MOUNT
AND BEST OF ALL IN THE REALM OF INFIDELITY
IT DOESN’T COUNT

(spoken)
Now listen closely, Georgie.

(singing again)
DESIRE TEMPTS ME IN MANY STRANGE, SINFUL WAYS
AND I’D BE REMISS IF ON ONE OF THOSE TEMPTING DAYS
I COULDN’T RESIST GRABBING A HANDFUL OF THAT JERSEY BOUNCE
THE KIND OF WHICH EACH GIRL FROM NEWARK N.J. LIKES TO FLAUNT
IF I REACH OUT I’M THE WORST
DESERVE TO BE CHASTISED AND CURSED
BUT IF THE BOUNCE BOUNCES AND TOUCHES ME FIRST
THEN I CAN LAY BACK AND ENJOY BECAUSE TECHNICALLY
IT DOESN’T COUNT

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS:
(spoken)
But, sir…

BILL:
I FIND A WAY OF GETTING ROUND THE RULES
I SLIP INTO A WARM AND DARK LOOPHOLE
FOR YOU TO DENY THIS LOGIC WOULD BE CRUEL
IF I DIDN’T USE THIS DEFENSE I’D BE A FOOL

(BILL does a little soft-shoe.)

BILL (CONT’D):
SO YOU SEE, GEORGE, MY ADVISORS DON’T NEED TO WORRY
THE INTERNS ARE WAITING NOW, I THINK WE SHOULD HURRY
I’M ERECTING A BRIDGE TO THE 21ST CENTURY
AND THE CORE POINT OF THAT BRIDGE IS A PART OF ME
IF I SIT BACK AND BE PASSIVE
MY WRONGDOING IS NOT MASSIVE

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS:
THIS CONVERSATION IS MAKING ME NAUSEOUS
YOU NEED TO BE MORE CAUTIOUS
THIS BRIDGE LEADS TO DISASTER
IT WILL BE SET IN STONE NOT JUST PLASTER
THIS DEFENSE NOBODY WILL BUY IT
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE WILLING TO TRY IT

(The following two verses are repeated in a point/counterpoint kind of way.)

BILL:
MY GUILT IS ZERO AMOUNT
BECAUSE TO HILLARY, A COURT OF LAW, THE PEOPLE
IT DOESN’T COUNT
IT DOESN’T COUNT
IT DOESN’T COUNT

GEORGE:
YOU CAN’T MEASURE GUILT IN AMOUNTS
BECAUSE HILLARY, A COURT OF LAW, THE PEOPLE
WILL BELIEVE IT COUNTS
I BELIEVE IT COUNTS
COME ON, SIR, IT COUNTS

(The song doesn’t end until GEORGE says…)
Whatever you say, sir.

Fun stuff, eh, Pamie?