dan mourns the death of baseball

Ever since Pamie taught me the wonders of the Ice Bats and then copped to hating watching sporting events on television because of the constant and unrelenting crowd noise, I have spared her most talk of baseball. Also, once I made her come to a Dodgers game with me, which rocked more because of the unexpected Eddie Money cameo than anything else. So I know it seems surprising that I should launch into a rambling speech about professional sports here, of all places. But seriously, here I go:

I hate the Yankees. I hate them hate them hate them, and I’ve hated them for a very long time. I hate their pinstripes and their smugness and their constant supremacy. I hate the fact that I already have six emails in my inbox from people telling me how stupid and jealous and probably ugly I am, and I probably eat babies and I don’t know what it is to love. I hate that they’ve caused me to fight with the people I love, and I hate that she was right all along, really.

But it’s three years later. And I’ve tried to learn. But I just can’t help it. I really, really hate them. Hate. Them.

It’s the top of the 10th inning of Game Seven, and I have a lot to do. And yet here I sit, in the usual deep groove I’ve carved for myself on my couch, laptop conveniently on lap, thinking about how early I need to be up tomorrow, watching the 10th inning, and hating the Yankees. I hate that I’m typing so fast because I want this posted before the Yankees win this game and go to the World Series. Again.

Right now, more than anything, I hate the Yankees because of the Cubs. If the Cubs had beaten the Marlins, I wouldn’t mind the Yankees going to the World Series, because that match-up, in some strange way, is almost a more interesting one than Cubs/Red Sox. This is because a Chicago/Boston meeting would be a meeting of the underdog versus the underdog. We’d want the whole thing to end in a pretty, darling tie. But Cubs/Yankees would be the classic David/Goliath thing. Respectively. The saddest sacks against, well, the happiest. But the Marlins beat the Cubs, and now things need to stay interesting. And soon the Yankees will beat the Red Sox, and the two teams in the World Series will be no more interesting to the common populace than Atlanta versus Oakland or San Diego versus Minnesota. Yes, you guys. There is a team in Minnesota.

In another somewhat cynical way, even if the Red Sox beat the Yankees, they still haven’t done anything. Supposedly, this team is cursed, not having won a Championship since 1918. They have to win it ALL before the curse will be broken. So even if they beat the Yankees (and remember…they won’t), they still have to get past the Marlins. And the Marlins of 2003 are like the Mets of 1986. Everyone was rooting for the other team. The team that isn’t going to win.

Oooh. Bottom of the 10th. I’ll bet it’s about to end. No time to proofread.

Prove me wrong, Boston. PROVE ME WRONG.

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