The logger to your blogger, I’ll take it from here, thanks. Oh! I know! Let’s have a Logger/Blogger Party! Heh! You come as a fiber optic cable that allows for the open transport of information in an electronic, online envionment! And I’llcome as a fabulous drug dealer!

If there’s one rationale for the casting of Senior Culkin in this movie, it must be that someone close to the film noted a stage direction somewhere in the script reading spoken with an ever-increasing involuntary sneer and thought, “Eureka! We have found him!” Something’s going on with the kid’s lip that gives him a really unnatural, duck-like aspect that I just can’t put my finger on (lest I lose said finger from the lightning-quick snap of his clawlike beak). Add this to his character’s freakishly misguided I’m-just-here-to-take-over-the-world-thanks bravado, and you’ve got two incomprehensible hours trapped inside the whacked-out fable of The Smugly Duckling. Other than that, though, I secretly find him adorable.

Also, Dylan McPractice plays this weird, ad hoc father figure in one of the mercilfully less developed (not intentionally) plot threads. All Mac really needed was a daddy, a family, someone to say, “I LOVE YOU!” I guess that also makes him the All-I-really-need-is-a-hugly Duckling.

Not that any of it bothers to make a lick of sense anyway. As Pamie helpfully observed — between time-consuming bouts of helpless giggles, awestruck horror, and popcorn — the POV situation was so muddled it was like the story was being told in an arbitrary, fill-in-the-blanks, Mad Libs style, and at times you could hear the script actually reaching out to the audience, periodically begging “An adverb! My kingdom for an applicable adverb!” Well, script, the adverb was “suckingly,” the story was incomprehensible, and the entire existence of this film should just have been Conveniently-Swept-Under-The-Rugly-Duckling.

Argh. See what this movie did to me?