The Third Annual Valentine’s Day Entry

Here.
It’s for you.
No, it’s just a little something I thought you’d like.
What is it?
Well, I was out getting some gas, you know?
And, uh, this was right there at the register
and it made me think of you.
Your sweet ass.
It’s mint flavored.
Check it: it’s both a rose, and panties.
Isn’t that cool as shit?
I bought you a panty rose.
Don’t look at me like that.
Go put them on
And sprinkle this limon stuff on them, too.

Did you remember?
It’s Valentine’s Day.
Did you remember?
No?
God. Again?
No. No, it’s fine.
That’s what I get
for loving an amnesiac.
Here.
It’s candy.
What? Gah.
Candy.
It’s sweet and you put it in your mouth.
You don’t remember candy?
I’m not yelling!
Oh, suddenly you remember all of your cuss words, huh?

i need you
i want you
i need you
i want you
i need you
i want you
i need you
to shut up
i want you
to go home

If I was Mystikal
And you were
That girl in the bar
That crawls over to me
With your ass in the air
In that little bikini
Crawling across the hard wood bar top
Just to lick the side of my face
I promise I wouldn’t give you that stank-ass look
That Mystikal gives to that girlie.
You’re better than that.
Now get that ass higher.
Happy Valentine’s Day.

Hey.
Hey, wake up.
You awake?
No, nothing’s wrong, it’s just…
I just had a really bad dream that you were mad at me
And it was terrible because you were so pissed and you were crying
And you called me bad names and threw things at me
And I thought I had lost you forever.
I’m just so glad it was just a dream.
And that you’d never really be that angry at me.
You’re too nice.
You’re nice.
Good night, baby.
Oh, before I forget, I accidentally threw out your favorite coffee mug.
Sweet dreams, baby.

I see you
In the street
In the car
In my dreams
In my mouth

I feel you
Behind my eyes
Under my toes
Around my neck

I pull you close
closer
I suck on your ear
And get lost in your scent
And my head swirls
I lose control
I can’t think straight
The only way I know to bring myself back–
Feeding on your flesh
Just a little bit
Just a bite to tide me over.
Just one earlobe.
You won’t even miss it, really.
You’re my sweet Holyfield.
You rock my world, you big bloody head.

HEY!

Did I scare you?
Yeah?
Dude. You should see the look on your face, dude.
That’s just how I looked when I realized I was in love with you.
Happy Valentine’s Day.

Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh, no!
Oh!
No!
Uh!
Unh!
Unnnnnnhuuh!
God!
Oh!
God!
Why?
God, why?
Why did he leave me?
He doesn’t deserve these tears.

There’s a burning
Deep inside me.
A yearning
For different times
Different places
Different choices
Like a condom
So I didn’t catch
Your VD
This VD
See, when you said
VD
I totally thought you meant
Valentine’s Day
Not the bad kind of VD
This kind
With the burning
And the pain.
More wine?

The warmth
In my mouth.
That rush
Through my veins
Making my heart race
My pulse quicken
My head
Just a bit dizzy.
My legs are just a bit numb.
My tongue
Yearns for more
More of you
Right now.
Now.
I can’t wait anymore.
This is torture.
Seriously.
I’m in hell
Waiting for you.
I just want to shout
To this giant crowd of people
“How hard is it to make a latte, fuckers?”
I love you, coffee.

oh no, i forgot you were allergic to shellfish
i guess you don’t want any dessert
well, happy valentine’s day

I wish
We could go back.
Way back.
Like, to when I was five.
And be the new girl on your block.
The one that walks slowly by your house.
You notice me.
And I catch your eye a few times.
And then one day you walk up
And ask if I’m lost.
I just smile, and say I like to walk here.
And you ask if I want to play ball with you.
I say yes
Because I like your smile
And because you seem really nice
And we play together all day long
And from that day on we become best friends.
I wish I knew you way back then.
So that I was always there.
Right there.
When you needed me.
I could be there your entire life.
Always knowing what you wanted
What you needed
What makes you happy.
I’d know you like I know my own skin.
I’d be a part of you
And you a vital part of me.
Together.
For as long as we can remember.
Making each other
Gloriously happy.
And I’d never let you down.
And all of my memories would be filled with you.
I love you.

hey, tonight for valentine’s day, could you wear this?
ooh, thanks.
oh, and can I call you justice ginsberg?

Good morning, you.
This is my favorite time.
This time, right now.
When the sun is first starting to come up
and the light hits the flesh on your back just so
And the room still smells a bit like us
Our smells mingled together
Matching the taste on my lips
The feeling of your legs tangled with mine
The warmth of your breath on my cheek
The memories of our passion and yearning and groping still fresh on my muscles
The sound of your heart beating against my body
This is my favorite time
Because it is ours.
It’s quiet.
I love you more than anybody.
But you’d better get up now.
And go back to your room.
Mom will kill us if she finds us here.

dear dre,

bitches and hos be riding my dick like the tilt-a-whirl.
but no one makes me feel like you do.
i love you.

snoop

There.
There.
Right there.
There.
Oh, God, there.
Damn, I’m good.
I know just what I want, when I want it.
Who’s my daddy?
Me, mother fucker.

dude. look, i love you, ok?
so you don’t have to blame the dog anymore.
it’s just childish.

For the time you left my shoes out in the rain.
For the time you broke my favorite hair clip.
For the time you hammered nails into the wall and called it a hat rack.
For the time you tried to serve me a tea bag from the trash can.
For the time you put out a match in my car.
For the time you woke me up by pushing me off the bed.
For the time you called me by your brother’s name.
For the time you almost drowned me.
For the time you locked the keys in my car.
For the time you lost my Macy Gray CD.
All is forgiven.
All is worth it.
And on that last one, you were actually doing me a favor.
Happy Valentine’s Day.

Happy Valentine’s Day.
i’m sorry i’ve been telling everyone that you’re gay.
it just makes me feel better.
you know. because you’re a dick.

for the time i made you watch coyote ugly
i’m very sorry…
but c’mon, you have to admit tyra banks’ titties are awesome.

That girl over there.
The one with the shirt.
With the big fake titties.
You see her?
How can you not see her?
Yeah, that one.
Do you think she’s pretty?
No, seriously. Do you think she’s pretty?
It’s okay, you can tell me.
I won’t get mad.
She’s pretty, huh?
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Well, I don’t know if she could do all of that…
Okay.
Okay!
Yeah, she probably can suck the chrome off a bumper.
Uh-huh.
Right.
No, I didn’t know you used to date a stripper.
Fascinating.
Trixie? No, I didn’t know that either.
Uh-huh.
Listen. In the future,
A simple “yes” or “no” will do.
Okay?
Asshole.

shut up.
just shut your mouth.
just… don’t talk anymore.
please.
god.
your voice.
it’s killing me
for real.
just shut up for five
fucking
minutes
and keep on licking right there.
your dirty talk is ruining everything.
please.
it’s valentine’s day.
for one night
please don’t call me
gary oldman.
it creeps me the fuck out.

This year
for Valentine’s Day
I cut off my titties
And put them in a box.
You’re the only one who knew what to do with them, anyway
And, besides, they’ll make you happier than they make me.
Why are you screaming?
You know, for being Marilyn Manson, you’re quite a big pussy.

Stop.
Stop right there.
No, nothing’s wrong.
You’re just absolutely beautiful right there.
Right there.
Look, there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you for a little while, now.
And I think I’m ready to tell you.
I’ve just been thinking about all of this time we’ve spent together
and how happy you make me
and how I’m just in awe of you.
So, because it’s Valentine’s Day
And they were all out of the thing I was going to get you
I thought, maybe
I could tell you
That I…
I…
Oh, this shouldn’t be too hard, should it?
This should be easy.
I lummmmm
I gotta pee. Excuse me.

Step one: “mrr. mrrieeeehiehie!”
Step two: “mriiiih! mriiiih! mrewaaawow.”
Step three: “Hih! Hih! Hih! Hurrrrrkkkkkklrrghruhruh!”
Result: the perfect hairball valentine.

Heat and enjoy.