club protege’s up on ya, baby

All right, check it.

Oh, my God. It’s me. Club Protege. You may know me as Pamie’s car.

But today, I’m running things. I’m all, like, right here and shit, telling you the latest, ah-ight?

In fact, my latest prank on pamie is so crazy-good that I’m telling all of my friends about it right now.

Oh, man. I wish you guys could have been there. The shit was fuh-huh-huuuuuuny, yo.

Okay, yo. Okay. Okay. Here we go.

So, like, yesterday? I was like, sitting outside like I ALWAYS do when it’s like, daytime? And I have to say that I would have thought that pamie would like, roll down a damn window or something because it was hella hot out there and I think it was, like, a zillion degrees in me, I swear. So, anyway, she’s all not paying any attention to me and all? So, I was like, I should pull a prank on her, because she likes laughing, and she’d be all, “Pro!” (She calls me Pro. She doesn’t, but I want her to.) She’d be all, “Pro? That shit you did the other day was so funny. Oh, man. You are like, the best car, like ever, and like, I love you.”

Uh-uh. She ain’t gonna say it all by herself.

And I had to do something better than the last time. I’m still playing the game where I will only blow hot air on her and I make the air hotter when it’s hotter outside. It’s funny, because that’s when she’ll start talking to me. I like attention, you know. And she’ll be all, “Stop! Stop making me so hot!” And I love it when she’s all, like, talking dirty to me and shit, so I’ll just blow hotter air on her and watch her rip off her clothes.

I got her shirt off once. I’m waiting for the day she drives home naked. Then maybe I’ll stop playin’. But man, it’s funny. When her back gets all wet and she’s all sleepy? Beautiful! I’m all like, “Oh, you want it hotter? You like saunas!”

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, so I was thinking I had already pulled the tires prank, like, three times already and it doesn’t even seem to phase her anymore when she has to like, buy a new tire or like, four new tires, so I was all, “Hmm.”

But check this shit out. Pamie goes yesterday and totally looks at Cars.com. What’s up with that? That’s not funny. She’s been all threatening and all, but I didn’t think she’d actually look into anything.

I know you guys think she’s all energy-girl, but really, the girl is lazy. LAAAAY-ZEEEE. Like, Jay-Z had to change his name because he knew that she was actually Lay-Z.

So, anyway, she’s, like, totally looking for new cars like, right when I’m just outside warming myself up for her. I couldn’t believe it. I also know that she’s just not interested in like, really buying a new car because it’s work and makes her feel like she’s growing up and shit to go out and buy a new car. I’m all “Whoop! Whoop! Just out of high school!” and she’s all, “But a Saturn is a sound investment.” What. Ever. She doesn’t want a new grown-up car. She and me are like, so close, and and like, totally best friends. Forever. I mean, I’m still carrying around stuff of hers from high school in my glove compartment. She’s got cassette tapes from when she was eight sitting right there under the dash. Me and her and the Chaka Khan album that only has one song that we like. That’s how, like, tight we are, yo.

Anyway, so I was like, kinda angry about her looking at other cars? Even if she was thinking she wouldn’t really buy a new one, she had to have known I was gonna find out she was looking around. Flirting with that Jetta. And not even a black Jetta. I don’t know, man. It hurt. Thinking that she just wasn’t thinking about me for those few minutes, those like, clicks when she was looking at other cars?

Maybe I went a bit too far. Maybe I got too upset. But man, it was still funny.

See, I knew that she had forgotten her cell phone. She started carrying it all the time when I was playing goofs on her hardcore, and there’s like roadside assistance on that thing so people come and take me away when I won’t stop goofin’ on her. So, I like, knew she didn’t have it on her, so I could play a trick and she couldn’t do anything.

I also knew that it was probably going to rain on our way home. Oh, man, it’s so brilliant. I know you’re already laughing, right?

Okay, so I wait until pamie gets in the car, and I wait until she starts taking off her clothes because I’m blowin’ the hot air? But then she sees the clouds and can tell that it’s cooling off outside with the rain and all? So right when she opened her window and was all singing “What a Feeling,” I flip on a light.

The battery light.

The cool thing is I know Pamie enough to know that right at that moment she thought, “Man. That bad mechanic told me my alternator belt was going. Now it must have snapped.”

So the cool thing is she totally knows that I just played the alternator belt game, and I’m all hoping she’ll start laughing and kidding around with me again, like the old times when the battery would just die when she went into the store and shit. But she’s not pulling over. She’s all, “I can make it to the garage.”

I like the garage because it’s like a little vacation with my friends and people are touching me and giving me love.

But okay, like, she totally wasn’t pulling over, and I could see her thinking that maybe like, Eric wasn’t going to see her on the highway if she pulled over. And I started thinking about her looking at other cars and shit and I got a little angry.

So I let the temperature gauge go up. Just a little. And then a little more. And then I pulled that needle all the way over to like, the H.

Oh, man. You should have seen her face, dude! She was all, “Wha? NOOOO!” Hysterical! Oh, my God, I was laughing so hard that whenever we’d get to a stop light I’d kinda just laugh so hard the temperature gauge would start going down, and she’d start relaxing, but once we took off again I’d crank that shit back up to H and watch her panic.

Oh, man. And then! And then! Once she was like, “My car is dying, yo,” I started screwing around with the battery power. She turned off the radio.

I’m smarter than that. I burned out the clock display.

Want to let other people know you’re turning left? I don’t think so! Bam! No lights.

Oh, it’s raining. Sorry I won’t let your windshield wipers go more than an inch an hour!

Whee! Oh, the games we were playing driving home yesterday in the rain. She’s all yelling and I’m just shutting everything down slowly.

When she was on the bridge, I made everything make a quiet moaning noise. Jesus, you should have seen the look on her face. She almost peed, I swear to God.

Right when she thought she was going to make it home? Like, right when she was making the last left turn off the major road to the small roads home?

I shut the car down. In the middle of the four-way. Oh, man. People were honking, and pointing and yelling. So. Funny.

And she’s all, “I’m trying!” Screaming, and shit, but I’m all like, “Whaaaaaaarrrraarrrraaarhh.” And I won’t go more than like, three miles an hour, and I totally know there’s this big hill she thinks we’re going to go over and I’m all, “I don’t think so!”

She figured out that I wasn’t going to make it to her house. She pulled into this side parking lot in some apartment complex we don’t know. She was about to park, so I locked the wheel. She hit the break.

Game over.

So much fun.

I watched her sit in the rain and smoke a cigarette for a little while. I watched her stand up and stare down the street, looking for Eric. But I knew he had gone to the store, yo. She was gonna be there a while. Eventually she picked her stuff up, said something about blisters, and then walked away. All sad and shit, sniffling, walking in the rain with that big-ass bag with her computer and stuff. I would have played a little violin for her if I hadn’t burned out all my power on that parking shit.

She was back a couple of hours later when the big truck came to take me here to the Texaco Oasis. I’ve been here ever since, cracking everyone up with this story. They’re laughing so hard they haven’t even had time to look at me to see if I really pulled the alternator belt trick or not. I don’t care. I might stay here all week. It’s that much fun.

Oh, man. It was like, so perfect? And I was all playing innocent. When they brought me in, cuz pamie keeps me all filthy, I was all, “She beats me and calls me names! Save me from her, she’s a maniac!” And now they’re all feeding me oil and wiper fluid and shit. All fat and happy. I don’t want to go back.

I miss her, though. I’m wondering what games I can play next week. I’m thinking she’s never really had a fire. Maybe I could set off the hood.

Oh, snap! The best part? She’s totally not able to go to work today and is all stuck at home waiting for them to look at me and I’m all, “Take your time, boys, take your time. She’s in no hurry.”

Man, the games. They totally never stop. I love it.

Y’all go out and give your cars a hug.

Because you don’t want us angry.

I’m just sayin’.