i remember
that certain summer.
you were wearing that little bikini
and we played volleyball.
i thought it would be funny
to pull the string in the back
as you went for the spike.
man, i was right.
that was funny.
I wish you had a better sense of humor.
Happy Valentine’s Day.

more than coffee.
more than a new pack of cigarettes.
more than a naked matt damon.
more than a naked matt damon and a naked mena suvari
telling me to come to bed.
more than finding twenty bucks in my jeans pocket.
more than a pixies reunion.
wow.
i really do love you.

Hey, asshole.
Hope you’re enjoying
a very
l o n e l y
holiday.
Still happy you slept with that flight attendant?

the other night
after eating chili
i ripped a pretty good one.
i lifted the blanket
to trap your head
and remembered
you weren’t there.
i miss you.

she’s got this perfect way
of looking down
when she smiles
as if she has a secret
she’s dying to share.

she’s got this perfect way
of flipping her hair
where i catch just a small whiff
of her perfume.

she’s got this perfect way
of crossing her legs
at the ankles,
exposing just the slightest bit
of the inside of her thigh.

she’s got this perfect way
of announcing a pop quiz
on the days when i need
to have it be silent the most.
then i get to stare
uninterrupted
and imagine our life together.

i love the seventh grade.

what are these?
peonies?
I hate peonies.
You couldn’t get roses, you cheap bastard?
Ugh, there’s still dirt on the stems.

What is this?
M and fucking M’s?
Right.
Here’s the god damn watch I bought you.
Check the time.

Time to get a job, fucker.

you are my fantasy.
especially when you
put on that mask
with the holes in your eyes
and you put on that
straight jacket
and you tell me you want to eat
me with some fava beans
and a
nice
chianti.
you still give me the chills, baby.

I don’t need you.
I don’t need you.
I don’t need you.
I don’t need you.
I want to have sex with you.
I don’t need you.
I hate you.
I don’t want you.
I’ll be home at eight.
I think you’re scum.
I hate your shoes.
Bring some wine.
I can’t stand the sound of your sneeze.
I’ll be naked.
I think you’re a horrible human being.
Don’t say a word.
I never want to speak to you again.
Just walk up to the bed and attack me.
You bastard.
Pay no attention to my blindfold.
I wish I could spit on your face.
Please do that licking thing to my thigh like you used to.
Hope you’re rotting in hell.
And if you could make me scream “No diggity” again.
Loser.
And then you can go home.
I don’t need you.
Until next year.
I don’t need you.
I’m just a sucker for tradition.

i just thought of another one.
another fantasy.
it was you.
but you were on a horse.
and you weren’t wearing a shirt.
you were holding a bag of cash.
and you were sweating from your lust.
and for some reason your name was antonio banderas.
but that seems neither here nor there, actually.

Don’t.
No.
No, I mean yes.
Yes, no.
No.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
oh, yes.
right
there
no
there
yes.
left.
left.
left.
too far
too far
warmer
warmer
warmer
burning
BURNING!
no, the good burning.
don’t stop.
don’t
stop
don’t
stop
no, i meant don’t stop
not
don’t stop
jesus.
oh, forget it.
just go away.
jesus.
just forget it.
stupid dog.

(I’m so going to hell for that one.)

happy valentine’s day.
i bought you a card
and some flowers
and some candy
and some wine.
tonight we will watch ally mcbeal
and then i’ll tell you all about my day
and then we’ll cuddle
and watch When Harry Met Sally
and when you ask if you remind me of meg ryan
i’ll say,
“Yes, but you’re prettier.”
and then when you squint at me I’ll say,
“And funnier.”

Hey, it’s just one day a year.
It’s the least I could do.

I wish your first name was
gilbert
and your last name was
grape
so i could make
what’s eating gilbert grape
jokes all the time.
I guess I’ll just have to settle
for the name your parents gave you.
I love you, April Showers.

the eyes of bette davis.
the neck of joan crawford.
the lips of angelina jolie.
the ass of heather graham.
the breasts of uma thurman.
the waist of britney spears.
man,
you were doing so good.
then you went and got you that
joey lauren adams
mouth.
now when you smile
you look like the joker.
and i’m scared.
do you think your doctor
can give you a refund?
i think we went too far on your
valentine’s gift.

I’m sorry,
did you say something?
I was just rewriting
my life
without you in it.
i thought it would be a good idea
at the time,
but i just remembered
that without you
i never would have
been really happy.
Sometimes I like to torture myself.
Thanks for being around.

I left a wet towel
on your side of the bed
this morning,
so when you go for
your afternoon nap
and get your underwear all wet,
you’ll think of me.

You’re welcome.

I love you.
whew.
that was easier than i thought it was going to be.
sorry it took five years.
that was pretty lame of me.
i love you.
i love you.
it gets easier the more i do it.
i’m gonna to try it on your sister.

i love you.
i crave you.
i want you.
i think you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
i mean it.
no, i really do.
no, i’m not just saying it.
no, i’m not.
no, really.
i promise.
yes, i’m serious.
what?
what?
no, what?
no, you wouldn’t have said anything, so what?
you don’t trust me, is that it?
fine.
fuck.
forget it.
i’m sorry i said anything.
no, i’m just trying to tell you I love you
and you have to be all,
“Why are you telling me that now anyway?”
you drive me nuts, woman.
seriously.

oh, i’m sorry.
was that your skin?
i thought i was in heaven.
happy valentine’s day.

happy valentine’s day.
i’m sorry i accidentally called you “mom”
the other day.
really.
my bad.

i love you.
forever.
and ever.
and ever.
so you might as well
just put this ring on.
and tell the office girls to leave you alone.
and throw away that porno mag.
and i’ll be taking that nice haircut.
put on this weird shirt.
tell people your name is melvin, okay?
look, just stay in this closet until i get home.
we’ll go for a walk later.

i crashed your car.
third time’s a charm, right?
you still love me?
wow.
no really,
you’re a better person that i am.