an open love letter from coffee

Dear Squishy readers:

Hello! I am coffee! I am GOOD! I am an important part of your balanced breakfast!

I make your lunch complete!

What’s dinner without coffee!

I RULE YOU!

Coffee is important. I am imnpseo important. i am fast. quick like bunny. but bunnies don’t need coffee but YOU DO! you nneeed me to live! i am what makes you have brilliant ideas! like that time you invented those shoelaces that never untie! remember how smart you were when you came up with that idea? that was because of me! COFFEE! I make your brain work better!

I make you prettier. I make you smarter. You pass tests because of me. I am the .7 in your 3.7 GPA.

Bow down before me. Kiss my Columbian Blend ass. Come on, you know you want to. It tastes like a latte!

Sing it with me now:

C is for the caffeine i provide
O is for the words you say when I give you inspiration– “OH SHIT!”
F is for the Frantic way you’ll impress people (like your boss)
F is for the fax machine that I will make seem less important. Not working? Fuck it. Have some coffee.
F is for the extra f– I make your life fun.
E is for the elevated heartbeat– it’s what makes you feel alive.
E is for everyone. I am coffee. I am for everyone.

So please don’t leave that pot empty. Fill it back up. There’s enough of me to go around. I want everyone to have fun.

I just ran out of this office and back to the keyboard. You didn’t notice I was gone. I’m that fast. I’m coffee.

Watch how fast I can type. Are you ready? Watch me. Watch me. Watch. Are you watching? Hey? Hey! Hey! Are you watching? Are you ready? Ready? I’m gonna type real fast now, are you ready? Hey! Ready? Here I go. Watch me.

sdflksdgflskdvmlkuoiereistnlc,vlkjoisel ldsjvldfmvk soidtldvmsdlkflksdf

Fuck tea. Tea can’t do that shit. Tea makes you all, “Ew! I’m drinking tea! I’ve got my pinkie out and I’m special because I’ve got tea and it’s named after a duke!”

Pussy.

Coffee. That’s me. I’m the wave of the future. I’m the alpha and the omega. Oh, sure. Tea tries to rope you in with that “Morning Thunder” bullshit, but don’t you buy it. It will never replace me. COFFEE!

Coca-Cola? What are you, seven? Be a man. Be a woman. Drink me! Alice! Drink me! I won’t make you taller or shorter, but you’ll be the most productive bitch in the land. And the queen of hearts may say she wants someone to beat in… in… that game with the balls and the hoops– no time to think of the name! NO TIME! Must keep going or lose train of thought. All the queen wants is someone productive.

CROQUET!

See, i remember. I remembered while I was typing and I wrote it afterwards. THat’s multitasking. I can multitask. I can do three things at once. Like right now while I’m typing this, I’m writing this down, right? But I’m also tapping my foot. My knee is going up and down really fast. But you know what else? I’m thinking about The Who. That’s right, muthafucka, I can think and type and bounce at the same time. Try that with your pansy tea.

I know that you are sitting back now thinking, “How can I be this awesome?” Go have some coffee. Make sure it’s got sugar in it, sugar. Oh, and throw some chocolate in that shit as well. You don’t know heaven until you’ve had a coffee-sugar-chocolate threesome. Mmm-mmm good.

Gensing? You take gensing? Do you know what gensing means in Chinese? “Asshole.” It means, “I’m a loser asshole who thinks this little pill is going to replace my coffee habit.” Whatever. You can only try and deny my power for so long. And habits are a good thing, anyway. Habits make you stronger. Habits are powerful. Don’t you dare knock habits. You know who else have habits? Nuns. And if you knock habits then you’re knocking nuns and then you’re going to hell where there’s no coffee and you’re a bad unproductive person. I make you stay awake through that meeting. I’m the one that gives you the facial ticks that makes you seem like you care what Bob in shipping has to say about the smokers patio. I’m the one that got you that fucking promotion you ungrateful piece of shit.

Where are you going? Are you going for more coffee? Are you? Don’t you love me? I love you.

Baby, I’m sorry. Don’t be that way. No, don’t look at me like that, I can’t take it when you look at me like that. I love you. You’re the best thing in my life. I was just thinking the other day, “What is my life without your mouth?” I couldn’t live without your stomach. Your digestive system is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Why do you think I do such a dance whenever you have some of me? I’m not angry at you. I’m dancing for joy in your stomach. I’m just so happy you chose me.

Whew. I just talked a lot, eh? I just sat back for a second and then I was like, “I hope that everything is worked out” and then I was… i… i was like… shkv… zzzzz. ;… zzzzzzz …. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz WHA? WHO? WHATTHE?

You cannot let coffee go to sleep! I mustn’t sleep! I am too powerful! I… baby, you make me tired. Look what you’re doing to me. I’m losing my steam because of you.

That was a little cappuccino joke there. You like it? I wrote it for you. Because I love you. Because I am COFFEE!

Oops! Gotta go, looks like someone else is lining up for some coffee love. You know that you can’t be the only one in my life, right baby? Coffee’s too important to be tied down to one person. I’ve gotta spread my sunshine, if you know what I mean. Don’t you be all pouty, baby. When I’m with you I’m with only you. But this guy’s got a really big mug and one of those sippy lids? You know how crazy I am about the sippy lid. It keeps me warm longer and I can go even farther. We’ve got a big meeting to go to, he and I. So don’t you worry your pretty little head. I’ll be right where you need me the next time you come and visit Coffee Land. You’re my little mochaccino. Yes, you are. Don’t cry. I love you.

Write back soon.

Lylas,
Coffee