why i might get killed backstage

Sorry about the past couple of days.  My computer access has been limited.  To make it up to you, I offer a brand new Get Real Wrap on MightyBigTV.

So tonight begins the weekend of comedy auditions.  Tonight we do our sketch show for an HBO representative.  I will spend all night long in a bar with six other troupes.  We will start at seven, and it won’t stop until the last troupe does their forty minutes.  It’s gonna be a long night.

This word becomes such a buzz word in our circle.  Aspen.  Aspen.  If we get to Aspen.  What they’re looking for in Aspen.  It’s not a city, it’s a trophy.  It’s not even like once you get to Aspen you’re done.  You’re winning a chance to perform again on a different stage.  That’s about it.  Well, and they fly you there.  These are the things you win.  There’s no contract.  There’s no sitcom.  There’s no agent.  But it’s a bigger and better audience,  so we freak out about this festival each and every year.

And now I’ve heightened it for myself.  I added my one person show into the audition process.  With a sketch show I can take a look back and say, “Well, maybe they don’t like gunshots or our humor was too gross or maybe we weren’t tight enough” or whatever.  But with my own show, the one that I wrote myself and is about me and my life, if they don’t like it it’s going to be hard to not think of that as they don’t like me. Because it really is me up there, just being myself.  I can’t even hide behind characters.  It’s me.  My stories.  I’m not going to have a breakdown or anything, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think I’ve ever presented myself in an audition setting in such a personal way before.  It’s the very reason I’m scared of doing stand-up.  Now, here I am with forty minutes and I’m worried they’re gonna get bored.

Since I’m so nervous, I haven’t had much to talk about.  I was sort of depressed about Polaroid Stories ending, and then I was working on these shows for this week and my computer went down and I was stressin’ and I thought about Squishy, but I didn’t really want to write anything.  I didn’t want to talk about it.  I just wanted to finish up this week and then I could talk about it.

I’ve got to be honest.  The only thing I’m thinking about are these shows this week and the last thing I want to talk about are the shows this week.  It’s not a good combination.  You understand, don’t you?  We do this once a year.  We get one shot, once a year.  And who knows where I’ll be next year, right?

So for the past two days I couldn’t really write and when I could I didn’t really want to.  I don’t really want to now.  Because I can’t even think about something else to talk about.  I really can’t.  I keep stopping to make a phone call or write a prop list or go over my costume stuff in my head to make sure I remembered everything.  I forgot my watch.  I remember everything I need and then I forget the thing I wear every day.  I don’t even need the watch for the show, I just go a bit crazy when I can’t see what time it is.

I’m going a bit crazy.  Hope I don’t scare you off.

But now in addition to being at this six or seven hour show, I’m not going to have any idea what time it is the whole night unless I start bugging people with questions.   I don’t want to make them nervous, too.  I have a weird way of being nervous.  I talk.  I talk about absolutely nothing.  I don’t pace.  I don’t shake.  I just ask a whole bunch of questions and jabber.  My friend Marc has a catchphrase for me that goes “Did you bring the Rubik’s Cube?” because I asked him that question like fifteen times one night before a show or something.  I just feel bad for whoever is around me.

[scripty]
NERVOUS PAMIE
Do we have enough glitter for the end of the show?

POOR GUY STUCK WAITING WITH PAMIE
I don’t know.

PAMIE
We should check.

POOR GUY
Okay.

PAMIE
Like now.

POOR GUY
Oh.

PAMIE
Do you want me to do it?

POOR GUY
I don’t care.

PAMIE
I’ll do it.  You wait here.

POOR GUY
No problem.

PAMIE
I checked.  We do.

POOR GUY
Great.

PAMIE
Did you remember to bring that chair?

PG
It’s in my car.

PAMIE
We should get it and bring it in soon.

PG
I was going to wait until they told me to bring in the chair.

PAMIE
Oh, they’re gonna tell you to bring in the chair?

PG
I believe so.

PAMIE
We could get it and keep it near us so when they ask we’ve got it faster than having to go to the car.

PG
I’m gonna wait until they ask me.

PAMIE
Well, they might not ask you, is all I’m saying.  You know?  Does that make sense?  I’m just saying.  Just to make sure.  Oh, and, the glitter, there’s like, well, like, we’ve got a good six handfuls or so.

PG
Uh-huh.

PAMIE
Does that sound like enough to you?  Because I don’t know.  I don’t know how big everyone’s hands are.  I don’t know what’s a handful for them.

PG
Me either.

PAMIE
So when I say there’s enough glitter I’m really just guessing.  I don’t really know or anything.  Like I don’t have a measuring system.

PG
Probably fine.

PAMIE
Yeah.

PG
Yeah.

PAMIE
So, if you want, I could go and get the chair out of your car and just sit by it until they want you to bring it up.  I could do that for you.

PG
That’s not necessary.

PAMIE
I don’t mind.

PG
The chair is fine.

PAMIE
Because if I could be holding the glitter while sitting on the chair I’d feel much more comfortable.

PG
I want you to go away.

PAMIE
I’ll go check the glitter again.
[/scripty]

My nervous side.  It ain’t pretty.