fifty ways to name your lover

Naming your sweetheart is not something to be taken lightly. In the earliest part of the relationship you are on a very small wire in which something you may say could stick forever and you are given a love name that you neither wanted nor can stand.

You think I’m kidding? You’re lookin’ at a gal that has been labeled such terms of endearment as “pamie puss,” (thanks, Mom) “p,” “encyclopedia pam,” “little miss can’t be wrong,” and “chicken wing.” I don’t want you to suffer the same misfortune.

Never fear, pamie is here to help you through the early time of a relationship (picking a name and getting one picked for you) and what to do if it’s already too late.

First let me say that if any name of affection is pinned to you, don’t scoff at it immediately. People are being very intimate when they give you these names, and if they are talking such silly baby talk, you know they are vulnerable at this moment and are speaking to you from their heart. If you don’t like the name at that moment, give it a few days. He/she may never repeat it, and if they do… you may grow to love it. (I do now respond to “chicken wing” and all the variations it has spawned.)

Also I should note that most of the nicknames I’ve come up with for my love have sticked and they liked, so hopefully this lesson will have you walking away with some knowledge. Let’s begin.

The old standbys:

Honey, love, sweetie, baby, babe, sugar, baby doll, lover, darling (if you’re into “Gilligan’s Island”), Romeo, Pooh, Boo, sweetheart.

Avoid:

Ball-and-chain, old lady, nag, hag, bitch, whiny, greedy smurf, liar-liar-pants-on-fire, smelly, hey you, what’s-his-face.

To name your love:

Take a step back. Take a look at your love. What is it that you really find appealing about their physical appearance? Their eyes? Their hair? Their butt? Just take note. What food do they remind you of? What taste do you get in your mouth when you see them? (watch it on this one, be careful)…Do they remind you of far-away places or the best things about being in bed on a Saturday morning? Do they resemble a cute character? (Not the Snuggle Bear or Teddy Ruxpin or anything evil like that.)

How your lover is naming you:

They may be using this same system. They may be using nicknames they’ve used before (you can try to get them from doing that, don’t want to bring up old memories). They may be using the names that his/her parents used for each other (kinda creepy, but– hey, that’s love).

The worst I’ve heard that stuck:
If they like it, hell, go for it…

pumpkin butt, little pisser, butter muffin, boo-boo baby, boom-boom, squash, mister man, tinkle toes, stinky ass, mush face, freckle breath.

Best Bets:

a term of affection that you can say in a baby voice that you would whisper or shout at the top of your lungs. Your love name should be something to be proud of and a secret code between the two of you.

feel free to steal some of my favorites, but don’t tell me (or the other person) that you stole them, or you could damage a heart:

cutie, cutey-head, cutie-honey (from an anime character), fuzzy-butt (used mostly for my cat), stinky, squishy, cutie-face, sweets, hero (foo fighters), shmoopie (seinfeld), shmoops.

If all else fails:

Say whatever comes out of your head that makes you blush a little, and makes your tummy do that swirly thing that we all love. Something you could decorate in glitter crayons on a card. Something that you would use for an internet name.

“I’m stuck with a stupid name. What do I do?”

First joke about it a little. Call the other person that name, and see if he/she doesn’t mind it being interchangeable (then you know it’s not a personal attack). Leave love notes around the house and sign them with the love name that you prefer. Get a pet and name the pet the pet name you don’t like. A fish named “Fluffy Butt” is much more soothing to the ego than you getting called it yourself. Besides, when you go over these nicknames in the future with lovers or children, you don’t want to have to keep explaining them. Trust me. Do you know how many times my mother has said “pamie puss” in front of a friend? Enough that someone called me that on stage. How’s that? Huh? Act now before it’s too late. Take control of what people call you.
If nothing seems to work, you may have to sit that special someone down and tell them you don’t want to be called “Toe Jam” anymore, and explain how it makes you feel. You’ll both feel a lot better in the long run, and could have a great time trying to come up with a new pet name.

Pet names are about love and secrets and having fun. Don’t let yours get you down. Celebrate it.

love as always,
pamie puss, the chicken wing