You’ll love this one.

Taylor’s compulsive licking has hit a new high. And Cal is acting like the craziest cat of all time. Related? Probably not.

After quite a few tests it has been determined that Taylor has: allergies.

Allergies. They don’t know if it’s food or airborne or Cal’s random abusive attacks or if Taylor is finally allergic to his own neverending seething hatred for all things that exist. And because he’s diabetic, they can’t zap him with the Dan Blau Cure-All: steroids.

They administered a very small steroid shot to ease his itching, but that seems to have done nothing. And they gave me antibiotics to help with the open wounds he keeps ripping (and I mean ripping) into his own flesh. Taylor’s yanking off his own fur and the other morning I found a chunk of it on a cushion and it was one of the creepiest things I’ve ever found in my own home, because I saw it and thought, “That is part of my cat. And it is not attached to my cat.”

Consequently, mornings make the kitchen look like a meth lab, as Taylor has reached Grumpy Old Cat levels of medication requirements. I break an antibiotic tablet in half and then pulverize it into a powder, which I combine with half a can of his special diabetic wet food. Then I pull apart a glucosamine capsule for his arthritis, sprinkling half a pill onto the food like I’m the evil murderess in a spy movie. Then comes the insulin shot, the syringe, the cotton ball, the tapping of the syringe mostly because it’s fun to do. I shoot up the cat. And then there’s a scoop of something dry that’s not for Taylor, so why even bother discussing it? Like I have time to think about anything other than administering to Taylor’s needs every twelve hours. I’m most likely going to have to hire a cat-injector for when I start working on a show in a couple of weeks. Some women get to hire housekeepers. I have to hire a kitty-cat drug-pusher.

So, crazy cat people. What would help poor Taylor stop feeling so itchy? Because I don’t think he enjoys bathing himself constantly. And he doesn’t seem to have any pain in these self-inflicted wounds. Because as any good cutter knows, that pain is on the inside!

Please give your suggestions in this forum post because I’m exactly 2,632 (times infinity) emails behind in my inbox. Thanks.

By the way, this confirms that everything I’ve ever had, or my family’s had, my cats have had too. From asthma to allergies. What if Taylor’s allergic to wheat?!