[scripty]
AB
Hellooo00ooo0o?

PAMIE
Ha! Hi.

AB
Why are you laughing at me?

PAMIE
Why did you answer the phone like that?

AB
Like what?

PAMIE
“Hellllo000oo0oo0?”

AB
Shut up. Did I sound like that?

PAMIE
“Hellllo000oo0oo0?”
[/scripty]

[scripty]
AB
Gah. You’re retarded. You are really laughing at that. How long am I going to have to wait for you to stop laughing? Jesus.

PAMIE
You sounded so drunk and confused.

AB
I had just finished yelling at Mad about something, and I was still shouting down the hall when I picked up the phone, and I was trying to sound normal.

PAMIE
I CAN’T BREATHE!

AB
I’m glad I amuse you.

PAMIE
Oh, man. I needed to laugh like that. Thank you.

AB
How’d it go again?

PAMIE
“Hellllo000oo0oo0?”

AB
Hmmf. So I’ve been looking over your website for this redesign.

PAMIE
Yes. I’m very excited about the redesign.

AB
Uh-huh. Your website is fucking big.

PAMIE
It’s been a few years.

AB
It’s huge. Why you type so much, pretty lady?

PAMIE
It’s a problem.

AB
And I was reading some of your old entries… because at first I was just looking around, but then I got distracted with all the writing —

PAMIE
Because it was something about you?

AB
Pam. Squishycon?

PAMIE
Uh-huh.

AB
What the fuck am I wearing?

PAMIE
I don’t know.

AB
Why do you have this time capsule of my ugly fashion? I am wearing SOCKS with a SKIRT. And I thought I looked CUTE.

PAMIE
You were rocking it.

AB
No wonder you were so scared of me. I look like a crazy person. Why did anyone ever talk to me?

PAMIE
I wore the worst jeans at that Karaoke bar every single time. It is a lesson in why I needed to stop wearing faded denim, and why I had to have you cut me some bangs.

AB
SOCKS! And a SKIRT!

PAMIE
So my website?

AB
Is massive. And uh, I want to make sure you don’t want me to redesign the whole thing.

PAMIE
No. Do a forward… an advancing…. um… velocity… forward… anti-retro…dammit.

AB
What the fuck are you talking about?

PAMIE
I’m trying to remember my old geek speak terms from when I was a web designer.

AB
Aw. Back when the Internet was invented? Back when we used the blink tag?

PAMIE
“Hellllo000oo0oo0?”

AB
It’s something like “designing forward.” I know what you mean.

PAMIE
Anyway, that’s what I’ve always done on the site, and that’s what we’ll do here. I’ve got like, nine different designs on this thing.

AB
So I’m just wondering what kind of look you’d like for it.

PAMIE
I don’t know.

AB
What do you like?

PAMIE
Um… like, well… I guess I like Japanese cartoons, but I don’t want it to be too girly or pink. Kind of in your face, but like, I like stars. And like punk, but not too bloggy, but not too like, I don’t know. Like me, but not like, a crappy author site. It should be about the writing, but also like, look like you know what the fuck you’re looking at. Right now I don’t think a person knows right away what they’re looking at, and there’s no clear place to begin.

AB
Okay. I’ve written down “Japanese cartoons” and “stars.”

PAMIE
That’s me!

AB
“Hellllo000oo0oo0?”

PAMIE
It’s really the funniest thing I’ve ever heard you do.

AB
(muffled) What? Did you do this? Did you break this plant leaf?

SMALLER VERSION OF AB
No. I wasn’t in here, Mama.

AB
I bet you weren’t in here. This plant didn’t break itself.

PAMIE
Haaaaaaaah. I love Mad.

AB
Don’t you laugh at me again, Miss Pam.

PAMIE
“Hellllo000oo0oo0?”

AB
You know, I cannot WAIT for you to have a ten-year old. And I’m gonna call you up and LAUGH at you, and just LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH, because you won’t have one quiet ten-year old. No. You’re going to have three kids, and they’ll be LOUD and JUST LIKE YOUR SISTER. Not sitting still quiet and reading like you. They’ll be a bunch of Natalies running around and you’ll be crying all day, wondering why your plants are all ripped and I will just laugh my fool head off and drink another drink and then visit my grown-up daughter at her apartment where she makes me vodka tonics.

[BEAT]

PAMIE
“Hellllo000oo0oo0?”

AB
I’m hanging up, Pikachu.
[/scripty]