1. You will not be home before eleven.
2. This is because you are at work.
3. When you wake up, it is because you have work to do before you get to work, because there’s so much work you can’t do while you’re at work.
4. Suffer the constant teasing that you’re leaving one show for another. Feel like you’re changing schools again, just like when you were a kid. You’re leaving all of your friends and sure that everyone at the new school will hate you and will never be as cool as the friends you have now.
5. Skip a book signing at Book Soup, even though you’ve wanted to that for as long as you’ve lived in Los Angeles, because you have a rehearsal tech at the show you’re leaving. The book is out; the show tapes tomorrow. Priorities.
6. Write pitches for two different shows. Try not to confuse the pitches for the Latino comic with the pitches for the girlie sitcom. Carlos Mencia will not wear a Wonderbra. Actually…
6a. Write up Wonderbra pitch tomorrow morning. Fuck it — for both shows.
7. The book rewrites are going well. Try not to jinx them by thinking about it too much. Just keep writing. No time not to, now.
8. Sleep in on Saturday. Get up and write some more. Take a nap. Write some more. See a bad movie. Write some more. Try to remember this is not only what you signed up for, this is what makes you very happy.
9. Power-fun with stee. You haven’t spent this much time away from him since you moved here.
10. There is no time for: the post office, the bank, oil changes, shopping, doctor visits, bills, magazines, TiVo, NetFlix, email, forum bullshit, bubble baths, nice nails, wearing cute shoes, watering plants, petting cats, The Daily Show, recapping, or phone calls. Try to think of that as a good thing.
11. Drop everything when this girl is at LAX for four hours in the middle of the night with her daughter. Be very happy for the three hours when Mad Mad is attached to your hip.
12. Drop everything for a book signing at Skylight. Be grateful for your friends, who come to all the weird shit you do, and the pamie.com readers who you meet at all these things.
13. Be proud of the gardening you make time to do. The plum tree grows real plums! It’s amazing.
14. That grinding feeling in your stomach is supposed to be there. It means: A) You’re not eating well. B) You’re under a lot of pressure. C) You’re doing everything you can. D) You’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing, which is not eating because there’s a script due. E) Coffee is not breakfast. Nor is it lunch. It may very well end up being dinner. F) You probably just said something really stupid and you’re waiting for everyone to notice you have no business being in this business.
15. Always take your agent’s calls, even when you’re in the middle of the longest meeting of all time.
16. Never kill your friend’s joke. It makes you seem like a douchebag. He’s working just as hard as you are, and chances are he’s right about that joke and again, you look like a douchebag.
17. There will always be more notes.
18. Delirium is comedy gold.
19. When you’re on set, the audience is mic’ed. Do not shit-talk. Everybody can hear you.
20. Hope you don’t end up on the gag reel.
21. When you do end up on the gag reel, hope they cheer when they see you, instead of throwing things at your face.
22. You will always feel like you know nothing.
23. You probably know just slightly more than nothing. Just slightly.
24. When you spend the entire commute trying to get iTrip to work? Thank fate that you didn’t get into a massive car accident.
25. The writer’s assistant never gets enough credit. Be sure to tell him how awesome he is every day.
26. The funniest thing you think you ever wrote will never be on the show. This is because it isn’t your show. This is also because it’s probably not all that funny.
27. Laugh when you remember that two months ago you were training for a triathlon.
28. Charge your cell phone every night. Your backpack needs: your cell phone charger, your laptop charger, three lip glosses, moisturizer, deodorant, five tampons, a notebook, three pens, bills you haven’t paid, checks you haven’t deposited, pitches you haven’t delivered, three scripts you’re working on, and pictures of your friends, who are fading away to a distant memory.
29. When it’s almost tomorrow, it’s almost time to go home.
30. When it’s almost yesterday, you probably just woke up.
31. You will fall asleep on your couch every night. In your clothes. With a beer you took three sips from. Be grateful when your husband helps you to the bathroom sink to brush your teeth.
32. When everybody’s complaining about the assholes who are television critics, maybe this isn’t the time to bring up your last gig.
33. A vodka martini is dinner if it has three olives.
34. Craft services often has more candy than food, when the writers don’t eat first. Be very grateful for the M&M’s.
35. Wear so many layers you look like an Olsen twin.
36. How’s that new book coming along?
37. How’s that new screenplay coming along?
38. How’s that new house coming along?
39. How’s that new marriage coming along?
40. When you sit down to write an entry but end up making a list of the worries in your head? Maybe you used up all the funny at work.
41. That’s probably a good thing.
42. I am having a beer for dinner. It is almost midnight.
43. When your sister sends you pictures of herself in a sportsbra and jeans, know that her heart was in the right place. Hide the photographs before someone questions your sexuality.
44. Your PC-ness gets shattered with comedy shorthand. You are now, pretty much, a guy.
45. I know you’re tired. Don’t mistake your beer for someone else’s ash-bottle. Trust me.
46. When everyone’s complaining and it’s very late and you can barely keep your eyes open but all you can think is, “Damn, I’m going to miss this place”? You had a very good television experience.
47. The meeting will run long. Really long. Pee before the meeting.
48. Your car will look like you sleep in it. This is because you’re seriously considering sleeping in it to avoid the commute.
49. Realize every piece of criticism you’ve given television was completely unfounded and wrong, because you had no idea what people who make television were up against. Know that this is your karmic payback.
50. Drive past a man who’s lying down in the street on Santa Monica Boulevard because you’re expecting a call from a producer and… priorities.
51. Cancel three different trips. Cancel all trips. You aren’t getting on a plane until at least 2006. And maybe not even then.
52. Cancel your weekend getaway. Mr. and Mrs. Smith is the closest you’re getting to a vacation.
53. Realize you just spent thirty minutes on an entry you should have spent on the book.
54. Like right now.
55. And now.
1. You will not be home before eleven.