Dear Houston,

Tough year, huh? If you’re not getting slammed from the excellent Enron movie, there’s a documentary about how fat you are, or how you recruit kids for the war while they’re trying to order lunch. Your representative is a crazy person. Then you’ve got Oprah interviewing the lady who ran over her husband a few times, and to top it all off, every single highway in your city is currently undergoing construction, making it near impossible to leave the house. This is so you can’t talk to each other, and come to the logical consensus that it’s time to get the hell out of Houston for a few years.

Poor Houston. They’ve made you the Florida of Texas.

Maybe you could pretend you’re Austin. Take a break from being the scapegoat. Go tubing down the Guadalupe. Drink some Shiner. Wait for this to all blow over.

I come from the Oprah school of improvement, so my suggestion to you is to buy yourself something shiny. Maybe once the new roads are all done you’ll feel better, skinnier, and — consequently — sluttier. Can you buy yourself some city-wide bling? Or maybe this is the time of the Houston montage when you’ve hit bottom, and you start working out because there’s nothing else for you to do, and you’re going to be super-hot when this song ends and you’ll show them all. Get moving!

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