What Price, Sopranos?

Thank you for calling Adolphia Cable. Due to our current financial situation, all of our three operators are currently assisting other frustrated customers. We know you have next to no other alternative, due to our convenient monopoly, and we’d like to thank you for being too cheap to move to Venice Beach, or splurge for a satellite dish. Your current wait time will be one hour. So sit back, relax, and listen to the one song we offer for our hold music: everyone’s favorite “Girl From Ipanema.” For a limited time we’re offering to remove half of your channels on every other day, forcing you to call one of our usually unavailable branches to admit that you watch the Oxygen network. If you stay on the line we’ll be happy to raise your rates arbitrarily, informing you that due to our new billing system, your cable rates will increase. Try not to yell at us when we explain that dropping some cable stations will actually cause your rates to rise. That’s a little game we’re playing with you. We have so little fun in our lives. Can’t you give us this one thing? You should be happy we’re so incompetent. Otherwise we’d never talk. You’d go an entire year without calling us once. Is that any way to have a relationship? Here at Adolphia, we’d like you to remember that you are more than just a customer to us — you are a deeply unsatisfied customer who dreams of nothing more than our heads on sticks. And that’s why we will send a service technician to your house, sometime between the hours of eight a.m. and seven p.m., to change out your cable box three times before standing in your living room literally scratching his head. We’re proud to offer you an additional fifty-seven channels this year, including the Christian movie-of-the-week channel, sixteen additional HBO channels, and five channels we’ll constantly move around the dial so you’ll never get to see them, including Trio, a channel that’s actually about trying to work in Los Angeles. We figured making Trio attainable would be against the entire theme. Oh, and don’t forget our new International channel, offering programming in Cantonese, Korean, Spanish, French, Italian and Japanese. For just an additional twenty-five dollars a month, people from other countries can finally have a channel in a language they can understand. It’s a small price to pay for the inalienable American right of television. It was this or health care, and don’t you think we made the right decision? Your wait time will now be approximately an hour. Thank you for holding. Here’s “Girl From Ipanema.” We barely care about you, and are currently on a smoke break, so thanks for being so patient. We don’t know how or why you put up with us, really. Can’t you tell we’re trying to go completely under? I mean, why else would we give such shitty service? This is no way to run a business. We’re trying to get rid of you. Why don’t you hang up the phone? Why do you keep giving us money? It’s ridiculous. If I came over to your house every day and slapped you in the face, would you give me sixty-five dollars? Because that’s what you’re doing. You’re an idiot. You don’t deserve our customer care technicians. Please call back when you’re not such a moron. Good-bye.

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