Sometimes when Pam and Dan are together, they make bad choices. Today’s bad choice was this. Please don’t go see this movie. We love you too much. And I know the guy’s friends with Kymm’s college roommate and all, but man. Bad movie. Fine. Don’t take our word for it. Take everybody else’s.

Best line in the film: “Logger/Blogger.”

Here’s part of the problem with the movie (and I’m sure Dan will add to the list) but if you’re making a drug movie that is lacking in sex, nudity, rock music, carnage or violence, then at least have it be about the dangers of doing drugs. Or show the destruction of a relationship. Or show the fabulous side of doing drugs. This film (which was much more entertaining as a trailer), had most of the plot points happen off-camera and were fed to us via phone call, sort of told the lives kinda about two people maybe, had characters walk in and out without backstory or conclusion (unless they died via informative phone call), and mostly enjoyed extended scenes of pee-drinking. It also lacked a real point of view. If we were learning the world through Seth Green, then it’s hard to understand how he can be missing for a good hour of the film. And if the film is truly Culkin’s, then how to we spend long periods of time with Seth Green? And if the story is about whether or not Michael killed someone, why not try to add at least some air of suspense, give us something to hope for, look forward to, or desire to see.

I tend to dislike a drug film because the plot is always, always, always the same, but this was a drug film lacking fun (and full of over-acting) and only made me laugh when Dylan Dullmont Mulroney McDermont was on-screen.

Just so you know I don’t tell you to stay away from a movie without reason. I haven’t been so frustrated in a film since Igby Goes Down (our new pact: No Culkins, except for Rory). And usually I only get that furious when Gregg Araki makes a movie. Or Harmony Korine. Oh, now I’m furious again! Furious!

Culkin!

(To hear this blog in Party Monster mode, please repeat, barking tiny “Ha” sounds every four words. Please keep left hand elevated in the air, limp at the wrist. Helps if you’re not wearing pants. )