why i have to stick to just one man

I was interviewed for the local paper yesterday afternoon about Squishy.  So, this Saturday there should be an article about… me and why I write this journal.  And of course now that hours have gone by since the interview I’m thinking to myself, “Did I say the right things?”

One question he asked me was one I’ve never even addressed here:  Why is this site called “Squishy?”

If you’re curious…

Last summer I had a thing where whenever I saw Taylor I’d go right up to him and start scratching behind his ears and I’d say “Squishy!  Squishy!  Squishy!”  You kind of say it with your teeth together and your mouth all wide.  I would do it because he was so cute I just wanted to squish his head.  He hated it so much that it got to whenever I would say “Squishy!” his ears would turn down and he’d give me this stink-glare.  So “Squishy” meant “I’m coming at ya.”

All this time you’ve been losing sleep worrying, I know.

Boy do I have spare time at these rehearsals I’m doing for a play I’m in.  I am in one scene, so when we do run-through rehearsals, I mostly just sit and watch Eric act.  It’ll be good to do some catch up work during that time, but last night was the first time I ever saw the play all the way through.  I didn’t even know some of the scenes, since I hadn’t gotten a full script.  I like the play.

It’s nice to be in a play again.  I like scripts and blocking and pylons and lights and memorizing lines and discussing the playwright’s “intention.”

Okay, I’ve been thinking about polyamory lately.  Not thinking of doing it, silly, but rather, thinking of the people who do it.  Maura mentioned it and it reminded me of conversations I’ve been having in my head.  How does that work?  How is that possibly a working relationship?  Is it that we’ve just become so selfish of a species that we cannot just see ourselves with just one person and we have to allow ourselves the “freedom” to be with whomever we choose, or is it just selfish of us to assume that just because someone is with us they don’t want to be with anyone else?

I woke up in the middle of the night last night feeling sort of frisky, and I always heard men saying they love that Sleeping Beauty Thing where they wake up to find a girl ready to pounce.  So I figured, “What the hey,” and I put my hand on Eric’s hip.  He Jackie Chan’ed my hand so fast I yipped and he said, “What the fuck are you doing?  Who are you?”

So much for Sleeping Beauty.

I had startled him.  He was deep in sleep and then I invaded his dream.  I felt bad about it and started to fall back asleep.  But then I was thinking about polyamory again (because I’m a big twisted freak) and I was thinking about how if there were four people in this bed that question would have been both absurd and important.  “What the fuck are you doing?  Who are you?”

Because I suppose it could be any of you, really.  And that’s sort of strange.

I can’t imagine that it really works.  It’s human nature to pick a favorite.  We do it from when we are little kids.  “What’s your favorite color?”  “Which glass is your favorite?”  “Who is your favorite, Bo or Luke?”

We can’t help it.  We like order and structure in our brains.  So, when faced with being romantically involved with a group of people, I would assume that order and favoritism must come into play.  And what isn’t corrupted by favoritism must be tainted by paranoia and jealousy.  “Why did he sleep with her tonight and not invite me?”  I would think the fear of being deserted is even stronger with a group love, since any one of you could run off with one or two or three of the others.

I guess in that respect it’s admirable that these groups of people can keep these relationships going.  Imagine having more than one of you angry at you?  Waiting for the shower in the morning… Which one of you gets to sit on the comfy chair?

I’m making it sound petty, I’m not trying to.  I’m really truly wondering what makes people want to be in a group.  If it’s not sexually driven, which is what polyamory.com states, then what is it that makes people want to live in a group and be more than a couple.  Is it because it’s an instant family?  Why do so many of them like science fiction?

I guess I don’t have any answers here.  Just a bunch of questions.  I don’t even have anything really funny to say about it.  Why the hell am I talking about it?  I don’t know.  I was just wondering.  Who fights over the sheets?  Who has to get up to check on noises?  Who is the one that has to get a glass of water for everyone?  It becomes a group dynamic, and I just find that fascinating.

This seems to come with a comfortable lifestyle.  Back in the Dangerous Liaisons days people weren’t terribly burdened with work or lack of funds or whatever, so their free time was spent with lovers.  That’s what you did.  Is it because we are getting comfortable in this day and age?  Is it because we have so much time left over in our days that our minds wander to others, and we’ve been so trained not to cause conflicts that we are encouraged to be so open that we let our significant others act out any fantasy they may ever have had?  Are we doing this to spite the dangers of STD’s?  What caused this to become so popular lately?  Or has it always been popular, but we didn’t discuss it so much?  We mock the Utah polygamists, but then we are intrigued by the swinger’s clubs…

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.  I just don’t understand what compels someone to join that kind of lifestyle.  What are they looking for?  Is it to replace a family they never had or to continue a family that they lost?  Is it because they want to be a part of something larger and they never found peace and love with just one person and these people all have one or two traits each that all together would make the uber-significant-other?  Is it for all the clothes you get to share?

It sounds like one big heartbreak waiting to happen.  It really does.

And I’ll tell you something else.  Group sex?  Forget it.  Do you have any idea how much planning and thought goes into the positioning of my body now just so said person only sees me in the right light, with the right shadows, with the right angles?  Do you?  Well, it’s a lot of work and if I’m busy tilting my hip this way just so Justin or Andrea surprises me from behind and sees my butt in an unprepared fashion, well then everything is all screwed up.  What’s the point?  I can’t be sexy for five people.  I’d never get it right.  Someone would end up sitting on my hand or I’d elbow someone in the eye.  Last night I went to put my hand on Eric’s chest and I ended up putting my finger in his nose.   I’m too much of a klutz to be polyamoric.  I really am. I’d ruin everyone’s fun.  I’d drop the condoms.  I’d end up being the one who pulled the mattress cover off the mattress with my toes and then it gets all wrapped up around our legs and we get stuck in this sheet tortilla and everyone’s all pissed at me.

And then there’d be the argument of who was in charge of the alarm clock in the morning.  Who hits the snooze button every seven minutes for an hour.   Who sets it and resets it for all the individual times everyone has to wake up.

Plus the laundry!  There would always be a load in the dryer…

There’s a place where you can get advice on being polyamorous:

The first question asks what a man should do when he knows his wife is attracted to another man.  Listen to this answer:

Regard your wife’s attraction to the other man as a gift to you. She’s gifting you with the opportunity to expand your
ideas of the range of acceptable behavior. She’s stimulating you to examine your relationship with her to see if you can love her better. She’s giving you the chance to open to the possibilities you, too, might enjoy exploring other attractions while treasuring your relationship with her more than ever.

Oh, man. If someone ever gave me that excuse…”Hey, baby, consider the fact that I want to sleep with that girl a gift to you…”  Out the door.  Out the freakin’ door.  He’s gifting me with the opportunity to become terribly paranoid.  He’s stimulating me to examine my relationship with extreme caution and probably stimulating me to hire a private detective.  He’s giving me the chance to open to the possibilities that he doesn’t really want to be with me anymore, but doesn’t really not want to be with me anymore.  I guess it’s one thing to be involved all together, but to have things on the side–

Out the door.

I’d be terrible at polyamory.  I wouldn’t know which one I was mad at and which one I was happy with.  I can’t even direct a troupe without letting my emotions get in the way, how would I keep a multiple-partner relationship going without becoming the center of a huge gossip wheel?

Oh, the gossip.  I can see that happening, too.

And this is all, of course, because my only exposure to these relationships is through MTV or 20/20 or whatever and I only see certain sides and then I try and imagine myself in that situation and I freak out.  Because I can get pretty territorial.  And because my self-esteem is low enough that I would always consider myself to be the ugliest/least sexiest/dorkiest person there.

So, what have I learned here?  Uh… I don’t know what polyamory really is, but I’m pretty sure I’d be terrible at it.  Yeah.  That’s pretty much it.