because everyone is both a comic and a critic

The festival is over.  I’m exhausted.

I had a terrible night’s sleep last night. I kept dreaming that someone was trying to kill me with a knife.  Plus I’m mad at Chuy because in my dream last night we were playing chess at someone’s wedding and he was incredibly rude.

Festival memories and lessons learned:

Improv is better in Japanese.

One night I didn’t have to pay for any of my drinks.  Know the right people.

The people from Mad TV are really nice and a lot of fun.

When you leave the festival area no one gives a shit about your badge.

It is possible to cough up an entire cigarette from your lungs.

Don’t drink anything before an audition.  Both times I went in I took a sip of water and some of it dripped onto my shirt.  I looked like dorky drooly girl for my (TAPED!) auditions.

Don’t assume if you don’t know their face that it means they are in a troupe you didn’t see.  There’s nothing worse than this exchange:

[scripty]
PAMIE
So!  What troupe are you in?

MAN
something-something Entertainment.

PAMIE
Oh.

MAN
I’m out here casting.

PAMIE
Right.

MAN
And you are?

PAMIE
An idiot.
[/scripty]

Refraining from alcoholic beverages at the after parties does not make you any better off at seven in the morning the next day, and probably makes you a crankier worker bee.

If someone says they are “pretty sure” they can help you out, they won’t.  Find someone else.  They don’t want to help you but they are attempting to be nice.

Sometimes, when a woman leans in really close to you and puts her hands on either side of your face, she doesn’t mean for you to kiss her.  If anyone has any advice on how to recover from that little mistake, please let me know.  I mean, come on!  She leaned in all close and shut her eyes, I just gave her a quick peck so she’d let me go!   Then she looks at me like I was the big freak.  What culture do you hold someone’s face and put your lips next to theirs but don’t kiss them?  I don’t know.  I’m just a big drooly kissing freak.

Not everyone cares that you got two Furbys for your birthday.

If you can’t figure out why you’re falling asleep every time you sit down it’s because you have probably forgotten to eat that day.

If someone remembers your name and you aren’t sure who they are, just keep acting like you do and hope they mention how you know them within the next few sentences or it will never be brought up.  Try things like, “How’ve you been?” or, “How’d everything go from before?”

Always, always, always remember to charge your cell phone when you stumble in at night.

Day five of the festival it is more important to feel good than to look good.

Don’t have this conversation:

[scripty]
PAMIE
Did you see that last troupe?

GIRL
Yeah.

PAMIE
What the fuck was that?

GIRL
Did you like it?

PAMIE
Not really.

GIRL
They are all my best friends from school.  In fact, I was in three of their weddings, and I’m engaged to the other one.  I’m having their children.  They are the best people in the world.  They are so much more talented than you are.

PAMIE
Right.  I know.  Would you like a drink ticket?
[/scripty]

If you think it’s going to be warm out, it will be cold.  If you wear a sweater, it will be eighty-five degrees.

Improv is better in Japanese.

Be ready to perform at any time.  I was thrown into an Improv Jam, a sketch show, two auditions and an emcee position all within an hour’s notice.

Have your headshots and resume’s ready and updated.

If she’s prettier than you are, she’s usually considered more talented.  Deal with it.  Makeup is a talent and no one can tell you any different.  Also, cute boys are funnier than average boys.  Average boys must shout and be louder than the cuties.

Improvised songs don’t have to rhyme, but if they do you are considered a freakin’ genius.

Even when you think you’re exhausted, you probably have room and time for one more drink.

Do not declare at the after party on the last night that it is now time for the “Improv Jam.”  The chant “No More Comedy” will continue until you get off the stage.

A highlighter and a bottle of water are your best friends.

Your car is more trouble than it’s worth.

Heels=pain.  Sneakers=cool and casual.  Hat=lazy.

If you don’t turn your ringer off your cell phone will ring during a show.

You will never get those hours of sleep back.  There aren’t enough days in April to catch up.

Don’t tell the stand-up comedian of ten years and a person who’s been in like nine films and eight major television shows that you thought he was great as the Jack in the Box guy.  I’m still kicking myself.  But really, after I saw his show I really went out and got a Grilled Sourdough Burger.  It was amazing.  He should get a kickback from the store, I swear.

Just because you do a mean Bobby Hill doesn’t mean Mike Judge has to know.  (I didn’t do this, I’m just telling others because I’ve seen it happen…)

Nothing in comedy is new, only different.

Make sure you explain to the visiting troupes and celebrities that the host hotel is even more Texas than Texas itself.  We don’t all have horse statues and saddles at our bars.

Know where someone can go and buy a cowboy hat.  That’s the reason they came to your damn state in the first place.

Comedians don’t give a shit about the web.  They probably won’t read your website, and their eyes glaze over the second you say “dot.”  Not one person there knows about your site.

If you think that everyone in the room is staring at you, you are probably standing in front of someone famous.

You are only as good as your last show.

That weird pain in your side is your spleen crying out– pleading with you to go easy.  It’s an expendable organ, so it’s the first to go.  He doesn’t want it to end this way.

Improv is better in Japanese.