best blurb ever.

I don’t want to ruin it by telling the joke over here, but Irwin has written a line about my book that should be on the front cover. Go read. Then come back.

(Ned-Voice) First of all (normal voice), that’s a very flattering essay (so thank you, sir).

But to give you an example of this fragile head I’ve got, when Irwin said to me that night, “There’s a lot of jokes,” here’s the rapid-fire dialogue my brain had in the three seconds between when he said that, and I said, “What does that mean?” Continue reading

special delivery

I had a very dork/skank moment at my front door this morning. I could hear the postman walking up the steps, but I was only in a towel, and anywhere I could have gone he would have seen me. So I stood very close to the door, hidden behind it, as these arrived: Continue reading

Why Why Moms Are Weird

Within 24 hours of posting information about my new book, someone was already complaining on Amazon. This person was nice enough to repeatedly state she was a fan of my writing, but found the title to be disappointing, and wildly lacking in imagination. I’d been planning to tell the story of how Why Moms Are Weird came to be, so here goes. Continue reading

I Have Nice Boobs

Dalton Ross does not like boobs. He also doesn’t like boob jokes. He does not like Hot Properties. He gave it a D. Hey, Mencia got a D-, so I’m moving up!

This is karmic payback for when we tried updating Mullendash to Rossdash. Dan was way too good at it, and all of my Rossdashes sounded like drunken ramblings over jilted relationships.

blood lines

I don’t understand why they can’t market hair removal products to women without being utterly condescending. The worst is the Intuition, which instantly puts a Shakira song in my head anyway, but to add insult to injury, they also show these near-retarded women who can’t handle holding a razor. It’s always flying across the room, soap shooting out from their luxurious bubble bath. “Ooopsy! I dwopped my waazor! I sure wish someone would hewp widdle naked me.” Continue reading

Sometimes I try to shield

Sometimes I try to shield the truth from you because I don’t want you to find out that sometimes all this hard work can be even more terrifying than sticking with The Plan. If you knew that having a book comes with it a slew of unanswerable questions about your future, friendships and talent, would that make you less likely to give it a try? I might keep the scary stuff away from you sometimes, but luckily Gwen doesn’t. (If it makes you feel better, Gwen, I never even got a Publisher’s Weekly review, and apparently “EVERYBODY” can get one of those. They made it sound like they’re handed out by the porn barkers in Vegas.)