scene from a bachelorette party

[scripty]
ALEX
So, um, pamie. How are you holding up? …You know, with the whole Johnny Depp thing.

PAMIE
What? WHAT?! WHAT HAPPENED?

ALEX
Oh. I thought you would have known. His kid is sick.

PAMIE
Really? Which one?

ALEX
I… well, I didn’t know he had more than one.

PAMIE
HE HAS TWO.

ALEX
Okay. The one with the weird name.

PAMIE
Lily Rose? What’s wrong?

ALEX
I guess she got a cut? And it got infected?

PAMIE
Is it staph or sepsis?

ALEX
Um…

PAMIE
STAPH OR SEPSIS?

ALEX
Jesus! I don’t know. Ask Katey. She probably knows.
[/scripty]

[Katey is the only person I’ve ever known whose dedication to All Things Depp rivals mine.]

[scripty]
PAMIE
Katey! Katey! How’s Lily Rose?

KATEY
She’s fine. She’s okay.

PAMIE
Good. Hey, do you know about the movie that’s so good that I haven’t been able to sleep since I found out about it?

KATEY
I can’t wait to find out.

PAMIE
It doesn’t exist yet, but when I tell you about it, you’re never going to sleep again.

KATEY
Tell me.

PAMIE
Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie are doing Wuthering Heights.

[A moment of silence as four women lose their breath.]

KATEY
That’s…

PAMIE
I know. I know!

KATEY
Oh. Oh, my God.

LIZ
I just… God, I want to fuck that movie so hard.

PAMIE
I know! I want that movie inside of me.

KATEY
I so need that movie in me.

PAMIE
Right now. In me. Right here. I want that movie on my face. I want that movie screaming my name.

LIZ
Oh, my God. That is a seriously hot movie.

PAMIE
Even if it sucks, it’s going to be SO AWESOME.

LIZ
I want to bend that movie over and just… oh, man!

KATEY
Why isn’t everybody talking about this all the time?

JESSICA
You know what would make that movie better? If they switched the roles. If Angelina Jolie played Heathcliff–

PAMIE
Oh, Jessica. Oh, my God. That’s the best idea of all time!

JESSICA
Because she’s so masculine and hot, and Johnny would be so feminine as Cathy! So hot!

PAMIE
I can’t handle how hot this is! Call them! Call them now and make it happen! It’s the best idea ever!

JESSICA
Post it on pamie.com! Get it out there in the universe!

LIZ
Use the power of The Secret! Make it happen!

PAMIE
Okay!
[/scripty]

AAA Plus + P = -($$$$)

About six months ago I was in the parking garage of Hollywood and Highland with stee as we passed a woman who appeared to be pleading to a couple who were listening with empathy. A few minutes later, that same woman approached us. She was cautious, hanging back for a second, like she wanted to know if we were normal.

“Excuse me,” she said, head shaking and hands trembling. She was in a brown business suit, brown hat, and carried a purse and a plastic bag that seemed to hold a bottle of water. “I’m a nice, old black lady. I’m not crazy. But do either of you have Triple A Plus?” Continue reading

writer’s ear + office ass = runner’s tears

Well, it’s official. Lately when I order my coffee from whichever boy is behind the counter that day, he calls me by my name and makes a joke about either my current order, or one I’ve had before. I’ve never had a coffee shop where people know me by name. This means I have logged some serious hours here, and the staff is very friendly. Continue reading

Crazy From the Heat

I somehow got away with spending my entire yesterday in a bikini.

I somehow got away with spending my entire past week like I was still in high school.

Monday night I went to spend time with my oldest friend. I saw clips from the movie he wrote and directed. It’s the biggest thing he’s ever done, and it’s good to see him so proud of something.

We looked at his baby pictures, watching him get older and older, going through sad phases, grumpy phases, one unfortunate tryst with a mullet.

I turned the page and smiled.

That’s the boy,” I said.

“Yeah, look how young I am.”

“I can’t believe we have known each other that long.”

“Look how good I look in this picture.”

“I know. That’s why I was a moron for you.” Continue reading

Jessica.

Let’s see. Bit of a wine headache, little bit groggy, and feeling like I spoke all the words ever invented — must have hung out with Jessica last night.

She arrives at my house and it’s like Texas has come for a visit. Always in a patterned skirt/blouse combination absolutely nobody else could pull off. Thick, dark hair that falls from a ponytail in slow motion like a scene from a movie. She acts like it’s no big deal. She’s filled with compliments, but she’s the one who always looks like the woman Sandra Bullock wants to be.

“All right, Miss Pama-lama. What is going on with you?” Continue reading

Dear Aspen…

[readermail]
Dear Eddie Izzard,

Sorry I made an ass out of myself standing next to you on a staircase. See, Jessica really likes you, and I do, too, but I wanted her to see she was standing next to you. I’m sorry I kind of pushed her into you while you were trying to dial your cell phone. You looked like you were having a hard time acclimating while walking up the stairs. The stairs never get easier, do they? Heh-heh-heh. Anyway, YOU’RE AWESOME AND WOOOO! [Virtual flashing]

Tardedly,

-p
[/readermail]

[readermail]
Dear Snow,

How come you don’t come out to Los Angeles? I think you’d really like it here. We’ve got lots to do, and there are plenty of things for you to cover. Think of the traffic jams you could cause! Also, you’d do really well out here: you’re white.

Let me know when you’ve got a headshot,

-p
[/readermail]

Continue reading

up in aspen

In the corner of this condo, by the couches, we have found wireless.

I do not recommend trying to carry a stack of wood and two bags of groceries five blocks, in the snow, in the dark, by yourself. What seemed like a good idea last night became one of the dumbest things I’ve ever attempted. It took twice as long to walk home, as I kept having to stop, put everything down, gain my breath again, and then try to carry all of those things — in gloves — while walking on an icy street. I am dumb. I’ve also never really experienced life with snow. Continue reading

obligatory wedding stories (random)

The cost of alterations (a simple hem) is almost half the cost of the dress itself. I went in a few weeks ago and put on the dress, standing in front of their large mirrors.

I had put the dress on twice since I’d gotten it home over the summer. No. Wait. Three times.

The first time I was drunk, it was midnight, and I knew stee would be home in an hour, but I had to know if the dress was still something I liked, as I hadn’t seen it in almost three months. Here’s a little tip from me to you: never try to do this by yourself. Continue reading