She Wants Revenge: She Wants Revenge

Song: “Tear You Apart

I don’t usually buy albums through iTunes. I’ve only done it once before — with LL Cool J’s latest, because I didn’t really care to have the jewel case. This is the second time I’ve done it, because I heard this song in the car the other day, and then read something about She Wants Revenge being “more Interpol than Interpol,” and there was something to them that sounded like the lyrics of Depeche Mode melted into the music of Bauhaus. But…

Continue reading

Guns N’ Roses: G N R Lies

Song: “Patience

I have blown my voice out a number of times singing this song at the top of my lungs. It was in a sketch we did for about a year, where I was pleading through song to stop a break-up in the front seat of a car. It was the only sketch I wrote that my troupe did for a length of time.

Continue reading

As If

I was just telling someone the other day about the time I checked A Clockwork Orange out of my high school’s library, and couldn’t follow the story from one chapter to the next.

“I’m smart,” I said to my friend Tyson. “But this book makes me feel really dumb. I don’t know what’s going on.”

He took the book from me and flipped through the pages. “That’s because half of it is missing.”

Censored. Continue reading

Fiona Apple: When The Pawn…

Song: “I Know

Oh, Fiona. You tragic, tiny, crazy-ass, beautiful girl. I downloaded your new album months ago, willing to go into that whole “Free Fiona” mess because I had to hear your bondaged work. And when it was, ultimately, disappointing — all plinky and boopy, suspiciously sounding like Jon Brion fed it through the Jon Brion 2000 Generator — I tried to imagine what kind of music I’d make once I survived the one-two punch of PT Anderson and David Blaine. I sympathized. I made excuses. I sang along. “Not About Love” is a beautiful song.

Continue reading

fashion victims

[scripty]
stee
So I’m at the party, sitting around, and in walks three people with these t-shirts with writing on them? You know one said something like, “I’m not your girlfriend.” And another had that stupid bunny holding his ears saying, “I don’t like it when you talk.” And the other was some ironic “Boise is for Lovers” or some shit. And they walked in together, two girls and a guy, and I couldn’t help it. I shouted, “Hey, look! It’s the snarky t-shirt brigade!” And everyone laughed and they looked so embarrassed. It was awesome.

pamie
That’s so mean.

stee
Yeah, I kind of felt like a dick.

pamie
Because it was kind of dicky. They walked in and you made fun of them loudly and then everyone laughed at them when they stood in the doorway?

stee
Uh, kinda.

pamie
That’s horrible!

stee
It was funny.

pamie
I know it is. But still. I mean, it’s hilarious. I hate those bunny shirts. But that’s so mean, stee.

stee
Yeah, I felt bad for them because everybody laughed. But I had to say it.

pamie
So mean. But you just reminded me of the stupidest shirt I used to own. I forgot all about it until now.

stee
One of your hippie Greenpeace shirts from high school?

pamie
NO. And those weren’t stupid. They were about the world, stee.

stee
Uh-huh.

pamie
I’m pretty sure I bought it at Spencer’s, which should tell you enough. But if I remember correctly, it was a comic, like a drawing, of a kid staring at his dog, and they’re on the lawn in front of a fence, and the kid asks the dog, “You’ve been eating my bubble gum again, haven’t you?” And the dog is looking at him with this innocent expression, but there’s a huge pink bubble coming out of its ass.

[SILENCE]

stee
That is the dumbest shirt I’ve ever heard of.

pamie
Horrible! The worst shirt ever.

stee
I cannot believe your mother let you out of the house in that. Mine would never have let me.

pamie
Mom hated it so much. So much. I think I had to sneak it out of the house to wear it. Although at a certain point, she let us rebel through clothing, because that’s all we had. I wasn’t allowed to wear makeup or paint my nails or dye my hair or pierce anything. I didn’t want a tattoo. So I wore stupid clothes. Which… I guess I still kind of do.

stee
I wore a Ratt t-shirt. I loved it so much.

pamie
Did you even listen to Ratt? You didn’t!

stee
No. That’s the thing. I listened to Iron Maiden and Crue–

pamie
“Crue?” Who are you? You listened to Iron Maiden?

stee
Well…

pamie
No, you didn’t.

stee
[Throwing devil horns]
Eddie!

pamie
You didn’t even listen to old Metallica. You weren’t hardcore.

stee
Right. I only listened to the bad music. That’s how you know I was a total poseur. But at least I didn’t wear shirts with dogs shitting gum.

pamie
I also wore one of those black, bleach-tie-dyed shirts with a collage of Divine all over it.

stee
I don’t understand what that means.

pamie
And I am pretty sure I wore it in college. Oh, I was so enamored with my t-shirt collection. I had an Eraserhead shirt.

stee
You say that like it’s still not hanging in the closet.

pamie
Oh, you saw that.

stee
I don’t understand that.

pamie
I don’t understand how I owned a hypercolor t-shirt.

stee
What? What’s hypercolor?

pamie
The shirt changed color when it hit sunlight.

stee
Ha!

pamie
Worse, mine was an environmental hypercolor shirt, which means it showed all of these endangered species, and when it hit sunlight, the animals disappeared.

stee
Wow.

pamie
I know.

stee
I don’t feel so bad about my Ratt shirt anymore.

pamie
I used to think my shirts were so funny and awesome. Such a dork.

stee
I still can’t believe your mother let you wear any of that.

pamie
She cried every day. All she wanted were daughters. She had a couple of hooligans in torn jeans, baggy t-shirts, weird hair and sneakers. My poor mom.

stee
Hee. “Snarky T-Shirt Brigade.”

pamie
You’re really proud of that one, aren’t you?

stee
Call Dan. Tell him what I said.

pamie
Jesus.
[/scripty]

Them!

We have been battling ants for the entire summer. This is nothing new. Every summer in Los Angeles, dehydrated ants make their way into our apartments and houses, coffee shops and restaurants, trying to find something to drink. Or at least, that’s what I thought. The ants seem to be uninterested in food (save for a horribleĀ scrambled egg experiencewe had last month), and spend most of their time lingering around our pipes. They like faucets, drains, toilets, and… bodily waste. Any sign of a piece of cat food that has been licked or nibbled by a kitty becomes an ant swarm. I once found the largest ant invasion behind the photo albums — Cal had puked in the corner between the wall and the chest holding the frames. Hours later, the floor was black with frenzied ants. I almost passed out. Continue reading

Beastie Boys: Check Your Head

Song: “So Whatcha Want

We were recapping the VMA’s for TWoP last night, at a certain point, probably in the middle of hearing a Ying Yang Twin shout “Haaaang” or when I’d heard the millionth whistle as a way to keep a beat, I just… I just lost it. I got so sad for music, and how hard it is to find something good for free. For free, you know what I mean? Turn on the radio, and the sound coming out doesn’t suck. This is a very difficult thing to do. Continue reading