It’s Not That Scary: Shooting a Gun

I’m not sure how Jason got it into his head that I needed to shoot a gun. I know that he’s not the only person in my life who assumed I would enjoy such a thing. Chris Huff, a weapons expert, has wanted to take me to a shooting range for years. It’s only his wise wife, Allison, who has insisted that would be a bad idea. “First of all, she’ll be holding that gun sideways in five minutes, acting like she’s tearing up the joint.” Continue reading

Activating Dana

Shot during the first weekend of Eyesplosion ’09, I take a study break with Dana in an attempt to activate her. She was supposed to talk about how she “hates injustice.” But she never really got off the subject of me. At fourteen minutes in two parts, it’s an extra-long Activating. But in my defense, it was midnight, not at the office, and with wine…which is why I cut that part at the end where Dana broke into a freestyle rap about my ocular hemorrhage. You’re welcome.

Here’s part one, where we discuss my Blood Eye and how I appear to be quickly creating one hot-looking corpse.

Part two is all about fashion as Dana gives me a “compliment” that will continue to haunt me every time I go to my closet.

Hope you enjoy.

What I Do Miss About the Holidays

Just about everything.

And this:

I was only in Los Angeles for the night. I dropped my suitcase at home, drove to Hollywood and rocked it with my fake rock band until the wee hours. Dana closed out the night as only she can. Props to Josh, Sarah, Scott, Allison and Buster for the background.

in celebration of hot nerdy boys.

[scripty]
PAMIE
How was the rest of your weekend?

DANA
Good. I just… I’m so frustrated, because I’m having to do all these graphs for this class, and I don’t understand some of this computer shit. I mean, I’m very smart. Obviously. But then like, I don’t have to know Excel for any part of my life, so I don’t know it, and now I’m supposed to make a graph?

PAMIE
Well, I know some people who could probably help you learn to graph that.

DANA
You mean you don’t?

PAMIE
… I could figure it out.

DANA
Well, I was talking to my friend on the phone yesterday and I told him I was just so angry because everything I didn’t know about computers was looking at me in the face and I didn’t know what to do. And then he goes, “Okay, well, tell me this, and tell me this and go to this place here and read me that,” and then Pamie, oh my god.

PAMIE
He was in your computer.

DANA
He was IN MY COMPUTER. He was controlling my mouse! I was just watching him and he was… he was inside me.

PAMIE
It’s really hot.

DANA
Pamie, it’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m not even kidding. Don’t make fun of me.

PAMIE
No, it’s always hot. It’s even a little thrilling when the Geek Squad people do it. I’ve done it before, and it’s fun to do to other people, too.

DANA
He cleaned up my desktop and moved things around and then I got nervous.

PAMIE
Well, it’s scary the first time.

DANA
I didn’t know what he’d find.

PAMIE
You’re very vulnerable, letting someone inside like that. Past your firewall.

DANA
You are making fun of me.

PAMIE
Only a little. But it is hot. Smart boys who fix things. And boys who make graphs. I’m just surprised you liked it so much. If I’d told you this, you’d make fun of me.

DANA
No, Pamie, I’m a nerd, too. Don’t you know that?

PAMIE
Uh-huh.

DANA
I love nerds. Haven’t you seen my friends? You’re all nerds.

PAMIE
Yeah, you’re right. Maybe you are supposed to be hanging out with your hot, pretty friends. Those other girls.

DANA
No, those hot, pretty girls are nerds, too.

PAMIE
DON’T SAY THAT. That’s not fair. You don’t get to be both.

DANA
I still say that you are a hot, pretty nerd, too.

PAMIE
Unh.

DANA
I want to do it again. Get him inside my computer. I cleaned up a little in case he does.

PAMIE
What, did you wax your hard drive?

DANA
Kinda.

PAMIE
I love how that boy got your inbox all hot.

DANA
I am sad that you haven’t updated your website in a long time.

PAMIE
Can I write about this?

DANA
Sigh. I suppose that’s what I get.
[/scripty]

(hee hee) x 3

[scripty]
Dana
Happy birthday, Allison.

Pamie
Yeah, happy birthday. That food was so good.

Allison
Thanks. I love this place. Scott and I come here all the time. It’s kind of ridiculous. One time last week, we came in for lunch and dinner.

Dana
You must come in here a lot, because when you were parking the car we told them, “It’s our friend’s birthday.” And they went, “Oh, it’s Allison’s birthday?”

Allison
That’s… well, yeah, I come here way too often. But, y’all, I’m so good. I didn’t come here today, and I didn’t come here yesterday.

(beat)

Pamie
Allison. It is today. And you’re here now.

Dana
Yeah, and didn’t you come here yesterday?

Allison
Oh, crap.

[db]

[scripty]
Gritty
That’s it! Get your ass on her!

Pamie
Those two girls up on the track are so small.

Gritty
I know. Not an ass between them.

Pamie
Just a bunch of arms. Look at all their arms!

Gritty
It does look like they have a lot of arms.

Pamie
No ass, but eight arms. Wait. No, they do have eight arms. Wait. No, they have… they have… two girls have four arms, right? No, I was right the first time. Eight arms.

Gritty
Wow.

Pamie
Two girls… oh. No. Four arms.

Gritty
(Patting my helmet)
It’s been a rough week.

Pamie
Maybe I was thinking limbs.

Gritty
You’ve been hit in the head a lot. It’s okay. I understand.
[/scripty]

[db]

[scripty]
Cat
Pamie, I think you should have a baby. Oh! Yes! I just came up with that, but it’s true. I want you to have a baby. Right now.

Dana
No.

Pamie
What? Why?

Cat
(clapping with glee)
Because then I can hold it!

Pamie
Well, that makes sense. I’ll get right on it.

Cat
And then the four of us can raise it together.

Dana
There are three of us sitting here.

Cat
Sara will want to help raise the baby.

Pamie
(Sara voice)
“Fine, Baby. I guess you’re coming with me to the set tonight.”

Dana
I’m the one trained to raise children. I’ll have to use all of my professional knowledge when Pam just lets that kid run all over her.

Pamie
Isn’t this my baby at all? And if I got pregnant, wouldn’t there be someone else who would have a say in all of this?

Cat
Ooh! When the baby needs a stern talking to, or a man’s opinion, I’ll put on a mustache.

Pamie
Cat, you just want to wear a mustache.

Cat
Yeah. Yeah.

Pamie
Jeez. Then one day you won’t be able to find your mustache, and you’ll be walking around with your finger looped your finger over your mouth.

Cat
Ooh, that’ll work. (Looping finger over mouth, in deep voice:) “What seems to be the problem, Baby? What can Daddymommy do for you?”

Dana
(disgusted)
Ohmigod, I’m voting Yes on Prop 8.
[/scripty]

(Watch Sara’s ultra-steamy-lesbianific House episode airing tonight!)

Rob and Dana

they only kinda scared my mom

[scripty]
MOM
So, who are these people?

PAMIE
Rob and Dana.

MOM
And you’re going out to dinner with them?

PAMIE
Something like that. Maybe just drinks.

MOM
And how do you know them?

PAMIE
The Internet. They have journals.

MOM
Uh-huh.

PAMIE
They have journals, Mom. I know all about them and their spouses and families and stuff.

MOM
But you don’t really know them.

PAMIE
Not really, I guess.

MOM
Well, I have to meet them first.

PAMIE
They’re coming to pick me up.

MOM
Well, have them come in and leave their license numbers.

PAMIE
Mom.

MOM
I’m serious. I’m not letting anyone kidnap my baby.

PAMIE
Mom, I’ll be fine.

MOM
Crazy people live in Connecticut.

PAMIE
You’re from Connecticut.

MOM
And?

PAMIE
Okay, I’ll have them come in and meet you.

MOM
And you call me when you get to where they take you and call me when you’re coming home.

PAMIE
Okay, Mom.

MOM
Can’t you just go out with Chris again?

PAMIE
He’s got some party with dancing frogs.

MOM
What?

PAMIE
Don’t ask.

MOM
Well, how do you know these people aren’t crazy?

PAMIE
Technically, I don’t.

MOM
And this is the girl you’re giving the monkey to?

PAMIE
Yeah.

MOM
How long have they been married?

PAMIE
They aren’t married.

MOM
You said they were married.

PAMIE
Oh, they are. Not to each other.

MOM
So, Rob found a babysitter?

PAMIE
I think his wife, Mom. He’s married. To a woman. Who isn’t the woman coming here.

MOM
Do you see what I mean about crazy Internet people?

PAMIE
Mom, they’re friends. That’s what you do with a friend. You go out at night together.

MOM
And pick up strangers from the computer.

PAMIE
Look, they know each other. This isn’t the scary thing for them.

MOM
That’s what I’m saying. You’re going in a stranger’s car with two strangers to a place you’ve never been and you think this is fun?

PAMIE
Well, now that you put it that way…

MOM
You wouldn’t even know if they were killing you in the ditch behind my house.

PAMIE
And I’m short.

MOM
What?

PAMIE
Nothing. Rob has this midget thing… never mind.

MOM
Why can’t you just go to Chris’ frog dance?

PAMIE
I never thought I’d hear that sentence.

MOM
These people are going to have to sit down and talk with me before you go anywhere with them.

PAMIE
Mom, do you want to come?

MOM
No, I’ve got work to do around here.

PAMIE
I’ll call you.
[/scripty]

Continue reading

The Air Up Here

if you’re reading this, i didn’t die.

I’m writing from a plane.

Ain’t technology grand?

If you are reading this, then that means that I landed safely. A concept that right now, I must admit, sounds a bit far-fetched to me. This may have been one of the scariest flights I’ve ever been on. Some sort of “thunderstorm” that we had to be “re-routed” through. Whatever. It was jumpy.

Continue reading