An Open Letter to Matt Damon’s Character in Contagion, from His Character’s Ex-Wife

[Note: there will be spoilers]

Hey, Mitch.

I heard that skinny blonde bitch you left me for was Patient Zero. Way to fucking go, dude. Nice environment to expose our daughter to. And speaking of Jory, thanks for keeping her during the whole “Mitch is in Quarantine” time. That sounds like a fantastic idea. Why not force her to live in a place where everybody just died of a mysterious, seemingly unstoppable, uncurable illness? Did you even Purell that shit before you had her sleeping in Clark’s old bed? I bet not.

And I don’t want to hear the whole, “But Patty! We were in a forced Quarantine! We couldn’t leave the city!” Because you sure found a way to escape when you were married to me.

Look, I might smoke in the house, but my lungs never killed a child, unlike what happened when that floozy whore you left me for came home from her “business trip” and coughed all over the place.

By the way, she was fucking all of Chicago. You know how I know? Because she killed Chicago. Just wiped it out in one spread of her legs. Continue reading