I'm All Over the Place

step inside my world. it’s messy.

Okay, first of all, I did have an entry for yesterday. But I was too cocky and I ended up losing it when my browser crashed. I don’t want to talk about it. Just know it was a brilliant entry about music and CDs and my CD changer that plays the perfect background music for whatever thoughts are going through my head.

Maybe one day I’ll write it again.

I just wanted to thank everyone for the amount of birthday attention I’ve been getting. Tonight there’s a party at my house, so I’ve got to go home and clean. Like, seriously, since quite often a friend will end up passing out in a bedroom and if it’s unprepared they’ll wake up with cat fur in their ears.

By the way, Jessi wins. If you haven’t seen it, go look. That is one nasty car.

I’m having problems using my Mac to crank out entries and having them look the same once I view them on my PC. I wonder why that is. I’m sorry for the scary big fonts lately. They look fine on my little iBook and then they terrify me on a different machine.

I couldn’t be more boring right now if I tried.

Everything is very strange right now and up in the air and so I’m sort of having to figure things out without talking too much about them here. I have to do that for now because I don’t want to talk before I know what’s up. Just know that things are changing and I’ll have more to say about it at a later date. And if it helps, I don’t even know what I’m going to say or what’s going to happen. Everything has hit at the same time and I’m rather unsure of everything.

I did get some very good news last night. My best friend from junior high may be coming up to visit this weekend. In the past eleven years we’ve only seen each other once. We’re both starting to feel like we’re getting older and running out of possible chances to see each other, since he’s always traipsing off to other countries, and this weekend might be our last chance to see each other for a while. My love affair with the Internet and e-mail started when I realized I was going to be able to keep these friends much easier than phone calls and letters. It’s nice to still have that in my life.

You know, I’m just going to keep sitting here staring at this thing trying to think of something witty or funny or amusing, but mostly I’m just hopping up and down to the old No Doubt album while I wait for the new one. I really wish I didn’t lose yesterday’s entry. I wish I wasn’t such a whiny-baby today. I am. That’s me today.

Birthday Week is half-over and I’m starting to slide.

Okay, this made me laugh. Hee.

You know, this funk I’m in is really pissing me off. I should just shut up and get moving and stop being such a scaredy-cat about everything. I should just make decisions and stick with them and stop second guessing everything. I should keep working. I should start on the projects I’ve just piled on myself. I should just keep working and work through all of the questions.

I really should just shut up.

There’s a topic about personal theme songs on the forum. There are certain songs that always hit me, but I have the tendency to internalize every single song I hear. Like everyone is singing to mememe and I attach stories to each song. Each song has a memory.

I’ve got CDs here at work that I can’t even listen to right now because they hurt too much to hear. I can ruin an entire album just by one event. Do you know I cannot stand the sound of Bob Marley because an old (evil) roommate used to play that box set each and every day as she systematically destroyed my happiness? I hate Bob Marley because of her. He reminds me of Bad People Who Lie and Steal Your Belongings.

And I’m sure ol’ Bob never meant to cause me any harm. That’s just how things are.

I can never listen to Carole King’s “Tapestry” album without thinking of my mother, and how she’d listen to the album at night when she was trying to fall asleep. The songs remind me of being little, and growing up, and leaving my mom to be on my own.

Jane’s Addiction’s “Ritual De Lo Habitual” is filled with freshman high school memories. I think I listened to it every day after school, along with B-Boys’ (Beastie, not Backstreet, you.) “Paul’s Boutique” while I did my geometry homework. Somehow I can still listen to both without thinking about secants and cosecants.

The Dirty Dancing soundtrack used to remind me of living in Mississippi and trying to cut my jeans to make those shorts and attempting to learn how to Tango just by watching the film. Now “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life” just reminds me of Chuy, and my friends, and the great times we had when we had that Karaoke place to ourselves. I miss that very much.

I have never purchased a Ben Folds Five album out of fear that it will depress me way too much.

Smashing Pumpkins “Siamese Dream” is a wonderful album, but I have all sorts of mixed memories when I listen to it. I remember when I first got it I was about to leave for college and I was tying up loose ends and…

(okay, this is a terrible thing I did, here. Bear with me…)

I knew I was leaving for college and a boy I had been always interested in asked if I wanted to go out for an evening before I left. I had been spurned by him (in the Demitrius sort of way) a couple of years before and I thought it’d be nice to give him a taste of his own medicine. While he was trying to get his schwerve on, I put on Siamese Dream. He honestly leaned towards me and as Billy sang the words he repeated to me, “I’ll be your fool.”

I laughed. Right in his face. I couldn’t stop myself. I was all, “You’ll wha? No, say that again. Please. Oh, man.”

I went on to be much meaner to him as the night progressed, but that’s where I’m leaving that story, as I want you to still like me as a person.

But here’s a tip: don’t be an asshole to me. I don’t forget about it.

Other songs on Siamese Dream remind me of my last boyfriend, and the feeling of driving into Houston to visit him after a really great summer together. That feeling of new attention and affection and doing something for someone to make them happy. Not sleeping and listening to too much music because you had too much coffee trying to stay up and absorb as much of this other person that you can… that’s a nice feeling.

There’s also the feeling when I listen to Weezer’s “Pink Triangle” when the same boyfriend from the above story got into a huge fight with me over the meaning of “Pink Triangle” (I was so right, by the way) and I realized that so much time had passed and we weren’t getting along anymore. If arguing over the lyrics of a song can bring you to screams and insults, then things aren’t probably going too well in loveland.

And then there are the show memories. “I Think We’re Alone Now” reminds me of Polaroid Stories. The entire cast used to sing this at warm-ups, and I don’t know why. “Brown Eyed Girl” played at the warm-ups of Taming of the Shrew. The girl that played Bianca and I would dance back and forth in our costumes and play with each other’s trains and hats. “Mama Said Knock You Out” played before each Twelfth Night show. We wanted to play it during our final curtain call. Our director woke up from his house and showed up at the theatre to make sure we didn’t. “What ho?”

I’m getting nostalgic here. I’ve always learned songs quickly. I know way too many lyrics. It would probably be better to fill my head with other knowledge, but there it is.

So here I am trying to figure out if I have a theme song. I don’t think I do. “I Will Survive?” Too cheesy. “Just a Girl?” Again, I don’t know. “There Are Worse Things I Could Do?” Nice try, but I’ll cry in front of anyone. I don’t care. I’m shameless. It really depends on my mood. I don’t have a theme or a catchphrase or a motto. Maybe I need to get me one of those things. It seems to work for other people. Then again, Travis Bickle had a catchphrase, and look what it did to him.

I guess I’ll just keep switching back and forth from song to song and let each and every one of them have a piece of me. Why not, right? There are other things I should be concentrating on, anyway. I can’t let pop music run my life.

But there’s something to that notion in High Fidelity… am I miserable because of Pop Music? Did it give me a false idea of love and life and identity? Is it wrong that I always wanted to meet someone at a candy store just so when people ask how I met my boyfriend I could whip around with a ponytail and shout, “I MET HIM AT THE CANDY STORE! He turned around and smile at me, you get the picture?”

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