beatboxing

on the corner of silliness and insomnia
time:  last night.  way past bedtime.
setting:  the bed.

[scripty]
PAMIE
I’m funny.

ERIC
Yes, you are.

PAMIE
Damn funny.

ERIC
I know.  It’s too bad you can’t beatbox, though.  If you could beatbox, then you’d be absolutely perfect.

PAMIE
I can beatbox.

ERIC
You can not.

PAMIE
I’ve never shown you my beatbox style?

ERIC
No, you haven’t.

PAMIE
Check it.

PTTHH! AH-PITHH!  PISSTH-TU! AH-PITTHH!
PITH-A-PITH-A-PITH-A-PISSST!
PISSS!
A-HOO-HUH-HOO-HUH-HOOHH!

(beatboxing interrupted by Eric’s hysterical screams of laughter)

PAMIE
What?

ERIC
That!  THAT!  Uh-hee!  That is the WORST beatboxing I’ve ever heard!

(hysterics from both parties)

PAMIE
YOU KNOW WHAT?  Heee.  You know what’s really funny about that?

ERIC
He-hee!  Oh, oh!  OH!  The tears!

PAMIE
Shutup!  You know what’s so funny?

ERIC
What’s so funny, baby?

PAMIE
Until this very moment, I always thought I was really good at beatboxing!

(hysterical laughter)

ERIC
Oh, how could you?

PAMIE
It’s terrible!  And I’ve done that onstage before thinking I was rocking the hiz-ouse!
Oh, no!  I’m such an idiot!  No, maybe it’s because I was lying down.  Listen!

AH-PISSSHHH- PA-PEEE-PA-PISSH
A-PISTH-A-PITTH-PISS-PITH
A-HOO-HUH-HOO-HUH

ERIC
What is that monkey noise you keep making?  Oh, my God!  That’s hysterical!

PAMIE
You’re just jealous because my science is too tight.

ERIC
Jesus Christ, I’ve never laughed so hard.

PAMIE
I rule.

ERIC
And it’s SO offbeat!  What kind of rhythm is that?

PAMIE
It’s hard to breathe.  I’m out of practice with the no-smoking.

ERIC
Terrible.

PAMIE
I’m no good at quick inhales and exhales.

ERIC
A-PPPPPTHH-BBBTHH-BBBBTH!
SSSSPOOTH-A-POOTH-A-PBBBTH!
AAAAAHHHHOOOOOOAAHOOOO!
BTH-A-BITH-A-BISS–

PAMIE
OH MY GOD!  WHAT IS THAT NOISE YOU JUST MADE?

ERIC
Tee hee! What noise?

PAMIE
Why is there opera in the middle of your beatboxing?

ERIC
What?

PAMIE
That noise you made like an old woman trapped in your hands!  AAAAHOOOOOAHHHAOO!

ERIC
That’s my new style, yo!

PAMIE
Okay, let’s do a song together.

ERIC & PAMIE
A-PPPPPTHH-BBBTHH-BBBBTH! / PTTHH! AH-PITHH!  PISSTH-TU! AH-PITHH!
SSSSPOOTH-A-POOTH-A-PBBBTH! / A-PISTH-A-PITTH-PISS-PITH
AAAAAHHHHOOOOOOAAHOOOO! / A-HOO-HUH-HOO-HUH

(hysterical laughter)

ERIC
We are the worst beatboxers I’ve ever heard!

PAMIE
I need my inhaler.

ERIC
Oh, man.  When you do that monkey it fucking kills me.

PAMIE
Well, I wish you’d let that woman trapped in your mouth get out because she sounds like she’s in pain.

ERIC
That’s my angle, man.

PAMIE
“AAAAHOOOOOAHHOOOO!”

ERIC
See, I mix beatboxing with women singing.  That’s my thing.

PAMIE
Don’t let Enigma hear you say that man, or you might get sued.

ERIC
Well, the zoo called and they want their gorilla back.

PAMIE
Shutup.

ERIC
You shutup.

PAMIE
“AaAaahooooooOOOOOOoo  I’m the ghost of beatbox past!  Help me!  Aohhooooo!”

ERIC
“Huh-HUH-UH-UH–” Wait, how do you make that monkey noise?

PAMIE
See?  My science is too tight.

ERIC
You’re dope fresh, dog.

PAMIE
I have to pee.

TAYLOR
I will kill you both!  Shut zee fuck up!

PAMIE
Sorry, Taylor.

ERIC
Baby, don’t let the cat rule your life.

PAMIE
“Aaaahoooooo!OOOOO!”

TAYLOR
Fuck zis shit.  I’m sleeping on zee futon.  Au revoir, azzholes.

ERIC
HUH-uh-HUH-uh-HII-uh-huh!

(hysterical laughter)
[/scripty]

I’m tired and Taylor filled out Mar’s survey.

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