smarmy hosts

eric doesn’t play nice when he’s hungry

Sometimes the scene is better when you can’t see it.

Yesterday Eric and I went to dinner at an Austin restaurant that is distinctly Austin (read:  “slacker” waiters, wait time, good queso).  We walked in and Eric said, “How come we always have to wait for a table?”

“Because we want to eat when everyone else does around here.”

“Oh yeah.”

I walked over to the bulletin board to see if there was a poster up for my and Matt’s show when I heard the following exchange:

[scripty]
WAITER/HOST BOY
(in Monty Python and the Holy Grail accent)
What!  Is your name?

ERIC
Uh, Eric?

WAITER/HOST BOY
(same accent)
What!  Is your favorite color?

(long pause)
…………
………..
………..
………..
………….
………….
…………..
………….

ERIC
Two for Eric.

WAITER/ HOST BOY
Oh.
[/scripty]

That’s pretty much where I lost it.  I didn’t see what was happening, but I could picture the blank look on Eric’s face, and I also knew the internal dialogue:

[scripty]
WAITER/HOST BOY
What!  Is your name!

INSIDE ERIC’S HEAD
Okay.

ERIC
Eric.

WAITER/ HOST BOY
What!  Is your favorite color?

INSIDE ERIC’S HEAD
Who the hell is this jag?

INSIDE WAITER/HOST BOY’S HEAD
Woah.  I must be stoned because it’s like this guy isn’t talking to me anymore but he’s just staring.

INSIDE ERIC’S HEAD
Jesus.  I don’t even know what the fuck Monty Python line is next.  Fuck it.  I’m not–

ERIC
Two for Eric.

INSIDE WAITER/HOST BOY’S HEAD
Hey, that’s not the right line!  Oh.

WAITER/ HOST BOY
Oh.

INSIDE ERIC’S HEAD
That’s right, just go back there and play with your Magic cards kid.  “My manna’s so big!”
[/scripty]

Eric just wants to be fed.  He doesn’t want to play Cult Classic Movie Trivia.  That comes after the meal.

We were playing Silent Hill last night (which is all we’ve done for the past three nights) when we came upon a decision.  The female cop who we had been friends with the entire game, was now evil.

[scripty]
ERIC
I knew she was evil.  I knew she was behind it the whole time.

PAMIE
Woah.  She’s trying to shoot you!

ERIC
What do I do?

PAMIE
Dude!  Don’t shoot her right away.  Don’t kill her, dude.  Just knock her out or something.

ERIC
Okay, dude.

PAMIE
Oh, man.  She’s quick.  What does she have there a knife?

ERIC
I don’t know, but she’s knocking me around pretty good.

PAMIE
Get out of there, dude.

ERIC
What’s with the “dude”s?

PAMIE
I don’t know.  This game brings them out of me.

ERIC
I can’t get out of here.  I’m stuck in here with her.

PAMIE
Can you knock her out?

ERIC
She shot me!  I’m almost dead!

PAMIE
Shoot the bitch.

ERIC
Yeah, I’ll just shoot her.
[/scripty]

For the next hour we just kept dying over and over again.  We’d run up to the female cop, she’d shoot us dead.  We were getting very frustrated.

[scripty]
PAMIE
That’s it.  I’m looking up the cheat on the net.  There’s got to be a way to kill her and I think we’ve forgotten something or we’ve done something wrong.  This is taking forever and she’s not dying.

ERIC
No, I’ll kill her.  Just watch.

PAMIE
The bitch ain’t going down.

ERIC
I’ll kill her before you even connect to the internet.

PAMIE
Shit.  I have to reinstall the connection.

ERIC
See?  I told you it’s been doing that?  Why?

PAMIE
I don’t know.  When I make the first internet connection it works fine, but if I try to connect again it says there’s something wrong with the set of protocols and then I have to reinstall the dial-up networking thing again.  It’s very annoying.

ERIC
This bitch won’t die.

PAMIE
Do you want to know how to kill her?

ERIC
Yes.

PAMIE
Well, do we have a bottle of fluid?

ERIC
No.

PAMIE
Great.  Well, then we have to do Plan B.

ERIC
What would the bottle of fluid do?

PAMIE
Kill her.

ERIC
So now?

PAMIE
Run around and around making her shoot at you and dodge the bullets until she runs out of bullets and then you shoot the shit out of her.

ERIC
That’s a strategy?

PAMIE
We don’t have the bottle of fluid.

ERIC
Shit.
[/scripty]

We spent another hour trying to get this character to run out of bullets.  We’d pass the controller back and forth trying to not get killed.  I finally got her to run out of bullets, and then she came right up to me and choked me to death.

[scripty]
PAMIE
Hey Eric, watch this!

I took the character we played and moved him over to the female cop.

PAMIE
What!  Is your name?

The female cop bitch slaps our character.

PAMIE
What!  Is your favorite color!

The female cop shoots our character, killing him instantly.

ERIC
That’s very cute.  Can we go to bed now?
[/scripty]

Tonight, however, we’ll kill her.  I’m sure of it.

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