buffed and puffed

and how bill pullman ruined my romantic evening

I didn’t write yesterday. I wasn’t in front of a computer all day long. I don’t remember the last day that happened, but I think it was when I was in Las Vegas and LA. In any event, a girlfriend and I took out the bride from the wedding I went to a few weeks ago. She never got an official bachelorette party (seeing as how I was at the bachelor party I couldn’t do anything), and what happened was a bunch of her friends got together and got really drunk and bitched about men. I wanted to make sure the bride got a proper pampering send-off.

So Thursday night we all got ripped and sang Karaoke again… this time fifteen of us showed up at this place. The staff recognized us. They were stoked to see us, and kept the bar open an extra two hours. When the speakers weren’t working right, one of the guys went home and got his own speakers. We had a great time. We were eating at a diner afterwards and decided to spill the bachelorette party to the bachelorette, because we wanted her to be able to sleep in.

So yesterday we picked her up, and we all nursed our hangovers for a couple hours, took her to an adult store to buy any toy she wanted, took her to lunch, and then took her to a salon, where we were massaged, facialed, and manicured. So right now I’m typing with perfectly pink fingernails that are rounded just so, and when I look at them, I don’t recognize them as my own nails because they don’t have any hang nails on them.

I have made a small promise to myself to try and maintain the appearance of my nails. The manicurist was telling me how, and she was really angry that she had to work so hard to make them look nice.

The salon was really nice to us, giving us wine and fruit all day while we got pampered. At one point I got an insect bite on my face, so the facial guy came out and put tea tree oil on it, and it numbed the spot and the swelling went down and I was just fine.

I had a bit of a stomachache from lunch, and felt pretty bad for most of the day… except during the facial and the massage, because I was so relaxed my stomach wasn’t cramping up anymore. Consequently I felt pretty bad that evening (but had a healthy glow), so I didn’t do much of the show, mostly just watched… a new monologue that I was working on for someone in the cast went okay, it looks like we’re gonna work on it some more… (that’s a good thing, they didn’t just can the whole sketch.)

My dad signed my guestbook, people. I didn’t think my dad read this. Hmmm… wonder if he read the sex talk incident… It’s like when you’re on the phone with a friend and you didn’t know your dad picked up the phone in the other room. Not that I said anything he couldn’t hear, but if feels a little different.

I am so excited. I got three new books this week that I cannot wait to devour. The required new Stephen King (Bag of Bones), High Fidelity, and About a Boy. Eric read the last two in about a day and a half, so they have to be good. After grocery shopping today, and a little cleaning, I will sit back and read for a good three hours or so.

I haven’t been able to do that in a while.

Tried to watch Zero Effect last night, with Ben Stiller and Bill Pullman. They were in it, not watching it with me. If they were actually with me watching it, I guess I wouldn’t have turned it off one-third in. When I went to put the tape in, I asked Eric if he had been watching it, and he said, “No.”

“Oh,” I said, “it wasn’t rewound, but it’s only, like, one-third of the way into the film.”

It had been a while since this film was promoted, and honestly all I remembered was that Ben Stiller was in it. Eric didn’t remember anything either. Here’s a good way to know what kind of night you’re up for: we saw a trailer for Warner Bros.’ 75th Anniversary Collection. There were many clips of different films spliced together in rapid succession. The voice over: “Share the love and the memories of 75 years in these classic moves. It Takes Two. The Amazing Panda Adventure. And Free Willy.”

Re-experience the films your family has lowered their standards to accept year after year after year.

So the film starts and there’s a very long monologue by Ben Stiller. That’s okay. But then there’s a lot of singing and bad guitar playing going on, and we see the legs of a man standing on a bed singing and jumping:

If that’s either Jeff Daniels or Bill Pullman I’m gonna scream.

(pamie plugs her ears)

After meeting Bill Pullman’s character in the film, who rants unintelligibly for ten minutes, I said, “I guess I can see why someone would turn this film off right here.” Eric nodded in approval.

Ten minutes later:

How much of this film have we watched?

Uhh… twenty-five minutes.

No. That’s how much is left, right?


Jesus Christ.

Fifteen minutes later:

How come all of a sudden Bill Pullman isn’t agoraphobic, he can just talk to whomever he wants, he’s stylish and comfortable, and he doesn’t need anyone?

I don’t know, sweetie.

Just ’cause he met a girl that was attractive?

Women change you. Plus, Ben Stiller mentioned before that he isn’t agoraphobic when he’s working.

Well, that’s bullshit.

Three minutes later:

You asleep? (cut to pamie snoring) Let’s go to bed.And that’s how Zero Effect ruined a potentially romantic evening. Stupid Bill Pullman.

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