Immune System Under Attack

Allison’s Three Days of Crazy (by Allison)

I’ve been sick, y’all. For nearly a week. In my more coherent moments, I slung out the following.

DAY ONE:

My friends, my friends.

Please help me. I’m sick as a rat. But I am here at work. I must prevail, you see. My boss, Napoleon, never calls in sick. Never. And I cannot let him beat me. I must appear strong, despite having all the symptoms of a superflu that can only have been concocted in the secret lab of an enemy nation.

Somehow, I can’t hear out of my left ear. It is all closed, or something, like I’m on an airplane. I just called my doctor’s office and had to pull a Grandmother on the nurse, because I couldn’t hear her at all. Here is a transcript of our delightful exchange:

[scripty]

AL
I NEED TO SEE THE DOCTOR AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

NURSE
Ok, ma’am? What is your name, again?

AL
YES, I LIKE HAM. DON’T YOU NEED MY NAME, THOUGH?

[/scripty]

Well, it went something like that. My visit is tomorrow morning.

For reasons unknown to me, all I can eat are Pepperidge Farm Ginger Man cookies. Seriously. That’s all. The thought of consuming anything else fills me with dread and trepidation. I highly recommend the Ginger Man to any and all. I am thankful that, although they are filled with buttery goodness, there is only one gram of fat per…uh…Man. This is very good, as I have eaten 20 of them in two days, and nothing else.

Basically, last night was the worst night ever. I spent it staggering around in the dark, putting on clothes, taking them off, and blowing my nose until it was so red I looked like Stevie Nicks in the eighties. It was a pathetic scene. This morning, I shoved myself into a freezing shower to try and rejuvenate the senses long enough to survive the five minute drive to work. I had little success, though I did make it in, and have been sitting at my desk, numbly pushing papers to and fro ever since.

Why, you may be asking, didn’t I just stay home? People, do you not know me at all? Are you not clear on the rules and regulations of The Allison Way of Life? This will cause Mother to go into her hysterical routine of “I Was A Horrible Parent!” but I have to tell you anyway. Y’all, when I was a kid, I would have to be bleeding from the eye sockets to stay home sick from school. Visible steam was required of any alleged fever. Only a matter of life or death would suffice for the parental schedule to be changed. This policy was in stark contrast to that of my friend Kristen’s mother, who would keep her out of school if she had a hangnail. So, if I can stand up, I can go to work, even if it means faking my way through the day, spreading germs upon the innocent.

This is where one would think working in a hospital (which I do, as a health writer in the communications dept) would come in handy. I wish I could just stroll over to the ER and have one of the handsome interns perform an emergency procedure on my inflamed sinuses and then ask me out for coffee, where we would laugh the day away and fall in love. But it is not to be. I am doomed to remain here in my office, the Examining Room – called that because it actually is one, and even has a sink in it – and simply ride it out. The boss just wandered down to ask how I was doing. He tried not to show it, but his expression betrayed his disgust at my condition. And who can blame him? Imagine, if you will, Allison looming before you, hacking and wheezing, tissues protruding from the nostrils, the brow sweating, eyes wild with malaria-like characteristics. Not a pretty picture.

It’s no way to live, but here I am. And here I will remain until the whistle blows (not that I’ll hear it), because today, though it is the very last thing on Earth I want to do, I have to complete the January 2001 heath newsletter I write for web subscribers. I think my first story in this one will be “Nose Maestro! 15 Easy Tunes To Play While Honking For Others To Recognize And Enjoy!”

DAY TWO:

Ok, I can tell y’all this, but…only y’all.

One of the hospital’s smaller pharmacies is right below me in this building, and I run down there whenever I need cough drops or Band-Aids or, God forbid, the emergency Stayfree product. They normally have a decent over-the-counter selection of cold medicines and, since I just took my last Day-Quil, I thought I would go down and get something to tide me over until my appointment tomorrow.

They are always moving their stock around, and I couldn’t find anything today where I thought it should be. I was ten shades of frustrated already, because I can’t hear anything and I can’t breath and the place was all crowded and this nurse that was in there was sort of jostling around me, obviously trying to also find the cough medicine which was nowhere to be seen.

Well, we’re standing there, leaning around each other, coughing and wheezing and finally, in a FIT, I grabbed up a box on the nearest shelf and turned to her and said, “I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY HAVE K-Y JELLY, AND NOT COUGH MEDICINE!”

Her eyes flew open. Not because of what I’d said (well, maybe because of that), but how LOUD I must have said it, because the pharmacist, who I know personally, from across the store goes, “Allison. It’s over here now.”

DAY THREE:

You guys, I think my doctor has Turrett’s Syndrome. Or maybe OCD. Today, during our visit, she would be saying something and get stuck on it. Like, telling me something about insurance and saying at the end of EVERY sentence “Does that make sense?” And I would start to say “yes” and she would cut me off by saying “What?”

It was so bizarre for a few minutes. But, I liked her.

This was my first visit to her, since I had to change my primary care physician (PCP) when I got new insurance in 2001. This is unfortunate, as I had begun to develop a close relationship with my old PCP, who once had to perform an exam on me that required him to go…um…where no man has gone before, if you know what I’m saying, and I think you do. Maybe you don’t. Allow me to explain by telling you an amusing, slang-filled anecdote. You may remember a sketch from Saturday Night Live back in the day, featuring Jon Lovitz called “Wedgie Fever.” It was a game show sketch, the gist of the game being that if you answer a question incorrectly, the host yanks your drawers up to give you a wedgie. Jon Lovitz’s character apparently enjoyed this sensation so much that he answered every question incorrectly, saying “Oklahoma!” no matter what the question. “How many ounces in a pound? Oklahoma!” Underwear. Up his ass. He’s delighted.

So, well, my friends and I, to this day, use “Oklahoma!” when speaking of anything in relation to the, er, backdoor, resulting in conversations like the following that I had with my friend LBJ over the Christmas holiday:

[scripty]

LBJ
So, things are starting to get serious with New Guy. We hit the hay the other night.

AL
Was that good?

LBJ
It was until he tried to go to Oklahoma.

[/scripty]

So, yeah, my old doctor had to go to Oklahoma once. Clearly, I am ill, my jags. Busting out the anal slang is not exactly my style when I’m at 100 percent. According to the doc, I have a badass sinus infection that resulted in an ear infection. I haven’t had one of those since I was about five and my pediatrician would look in there and say “That’s not a happy ear.” It sure ain’t happy right now, either.

I returned to yesterday’s scene of the crime, the pharmacy, and am under the influence of a variety of medications. I have to get totally and completely well by Saturday when I will be seeing Koko Taylor and Her Blues Machine take the stage and burn down the house in beautiful San Antonio. I’m still feeling kind of horrible, but I swear I’m on the road to recovery. Y’all just pray.

[db]

“YM Girlz Rule!”
Are You Too Boy Crazy?

Three signs that guys are too important to you:

  • You put off things you’d like to do until you have someone special to do them with.
    Oh. Then I guess I’m too boy crazy. But, seriously, people, if you have to do laundry, do it with Ray. If you’re gonna get a cup of coffee, do it with stee. If you’re gonna try and beat a videogame, you wanna do that with Eric. Discuss Beastie Boys with Kevin. Talk about Eric with Jimmy. Or Bill. Go shopping with Jeff. Sing Karaoke with Dan or Chuy or Omar. Bitch about life with Tyson. Discuss music and anything else with Trejo. Laugh about Crazy Liza with Blynch. Try and one-up the bad show story with Matt. Drink late at night with Marc. Sing stupid songs with Brently. People, what could you want to do that you can’t put off to do with some boy out there? I’m not boy-crazy. I’m boy-appreciative.
  • You’d bail on a bud in a second if a hot guy asked what you were doing later.
    If that hot guy is Johnny Depp, everyone in my life had better understand.
  • You’d hang alone with a dude you didn’t dig, just so you wouldn’t be alone.
    Okay, no. So, there. I’m not totally boy-crazy.

If even one of the above is true, it’s time to reprioritize. You can be your own best date! So carve out some quality solo time.
Oh, ha. Thanks.

hedo.

do you still dink i’m piddy?

I am nod sick.

I am jut a tinah bid stuffih, ad need extra cups of coffah ad oprah.

I am going to ged on dat plane to Ausdin on Friday, dahmaht.

Ih. I dink dis code is from Eric from last weekend when I was careful nod to ged sick.

Ohhhh, man. I wad too tired to get coffee. Dank you, Ray.

Oprah, dake me away from all dis pain.

Dah Care Bears are here.

Wooo-hoo!

Who led da Thereflu out? Rhoo! Rhoo! Rhoo!

Mommy?

[db]

“YM Girlz Rule!”
Ask Anything

“Am I a late bloomer?”

Q: I’m 14 years old and I haven’t gotten my period yet. My sisters were both 11 when they got theirs. What’s wrong with me?

A: Nothing at all. The average age for a first period is between 12 and 13, but the normal range is from 10 to 15. If you don’t get your period by the time you’re 16, see a gynocologist. For now, don’t freak out about your missing flow.

nice

my new free show.

There’s all this water falling from the sky and I don’t understand it. I had to actually take things off the porch so they wouldn’t get “wet.”

First of all, there’s a new billboard outside my bedroom window. Because it’s the law and the way things are supposed to be, there’s now a giant Johnny Depp head staring into my window day and night. Sometimes Christmas presents come a bit late.

The other giant billboard you can see from our porch is currently getting changed. We’re very happy about this, as it used to be this ugly Tommy Hillfiger (my lack of spelling power on his name shows you how little I actually pay attention to fashion) ad with these vacant models standing in front of a grid. We called it the Eighties Senior Picture, and always wished the models were standing in front of a giant “’87.” They painted over it yesterday and started working on it last night. They stopped after they painted a giant female head without any teeth. It’s the scariest damn thing. Right now they’ve added another man head that’s half finished, and I’m currently terrified that it’s going to be Helen Hunt and some guy laughing at me all the time.

Because yesterday was a nice day and I was going to spend it driving around and having fun, I did what I always do when I’m in a good girlie mood: I wore a skirt. This is usually An Occasion, and means that I’m happy to be out and about and want people to think I’m pretty. I need this reassurance every once in a while. The problem is I haven’t done this in a while, and I don’t think I’d done it in LA before. I had on my big shoes and a little skirt and a long sleeve shirt. I hadn’t tried this combination before. I now think I won’t try it again. At least, not in places where I will have to be in public.

We went to Starbucks and ordered coffee. As I was looking around the place I saw a boy seated in one of the comfy chairs. He was looking at me, and when I caught his eye, he smiled. He didn’t just smile, he smiled. Like he was saying, “Thank you for walking in here wearing those shoes that make your calves pretty, and thanks for doing that absent-minded kick when you ordered your caramel macchiato.”

But I can’t just enjoy things like that, so the other side of my brain instantly told me that he was actually laughing at me and that everyone hates my big shoes and I look like a giant towering fool and that since we stopped listening to the Spice Girls, we also stopped liking big shoes and it’s time to just accept my shortness.

We had lunch and went back to get the car. The valet opened the door for me. I gave him his tip and then got in the car, but he was shutting the door while I was getting in it, and the big shoe caught on the underside of the door. This means that I had to turn and dislodge myself to get in. This also means that the valet got an incredible shot of my spread legs in the tiny skirt. His smile told me that any skimping I may have done in that tip was fully forgiven. I left with full-blush raging. I think I can now get free parking at Jerry’s if that guy is ever working, though.

We went to the scaryKmart, where suddenly I was surrounded by children. Normally this isn’t a big deal, but I’m not normally near children while I wear the big shoes/ tiny skirt combo. I’d never had children wander between my legs and look up my skirt before. They just walk right under and look up. It was at this point that I began wishing I had made different underwear choices and was confident in myself enough to not take style tips from Britney Spears.

But I really hated my panty choice when I was waiting in line to buy the new bathmat. The scaryKmart is incredibly crowded, and there are people all around you at all times. I was standing still, breathing through the anxiety of auras meshing as I suddenly felt an incredible draft. It was very slow, and started at the back of my legs, and then suddenly my ass was cold. I turned around. The woman walking past me had accidentally caught the bottom part of my skirt on her clothes hanger. The more she walked away, the higher the back of my skirt had gone. She laughed, stammered, and swatted my skirt down. This was not before all of Kmart saw my blue light special, however, and Eric marveled at just how red my face can become.

One last lesson learned: don’t try on new shoes in a skirt. I’d never had so many men offer to help me try on shoes. I finally thought I was alone at one moment and tried on a strappy platform thing. I bent over to fasten the strap and heard Eric at the end of the aisle: “Hey! Woah-ho!”

That’s it. Jeans. From now on. Jeans and shorts. My ass got more exposure in one day of shopping than the time I went waterskiing.

The only control I seem to have over a hemline is if there’s one at all.

[db]

“YM Girlz Rule!”
100 Girls Spill

What white lies have you told?

  • 64% of you have falsely claimed a pal’s haircut looked good.How do you live with yourself?
  • 56% of you have let a bud believe her crush was cute when you actually thought he wasn’t.That’s so nice of you jealous bitches.
  • 50% of you have fibbed about your weight.And the other half just ignore scales completely and don’t know your weight so technically you aren’t lying.

trolls

and other excuses

I tend to let all of my work slide until Friday. I think it comes from back when I worked at an office, and I’d give myself all sorts of things to do on Friday to make the weekend come sooner.

Now it’s just a pain in the ass.

Thursday night pamie.com got hit with trolls. I found their source, banned them, banned their IPs (not that it makes a difference) and generally had things under control within an hour. But if you were around at that time, thanks for not giving me more things to delete. Ignoring them is the best thing to do.

Thursday night was spent like several of the nights around here lately: we play the Playstation 2 until our fingertips are bleeding.

I am truly amazed at the ability I have to sit in front of a screen for several hours on end and not even notice my entire life just wasting away. I find it rewarding to get to the next level, even if I could have read a book in the time it took to get there. It’s sad. I don’t like it. This is why we haven’t had a gaming system in the house for about a year.

But these games are rented, which is really the way to go. In five days we can’t play it anymore, so we just play it hard for as long as we have it, and then we move on. Without that due date, I could repeat 1991: The Year of Tetris, and I really don’t ever want that to happen to me again.

We’re playing these games even though we can’t save them, because the Playstation 2 memory cards don’t save Playstation 1 games, and we don’t have a Playstation 1 memory card. We just start over each and every time.

My hands are sore. My fingers hurt. I have blisters. It’s dumb. But there’s something very refreshing when you kick the shit out of someone with your Kerry Strug-looking Japanese girl in Tekken 3.

There’s another side effect to playing these games. Sometimes you get up in the morning, put on the game, and the next thing you know it’s been all day long and now it’s the evening and you haven’t eaten or had a cigarette (one benefit) and you haven’t washed your face or even put on clothes.

And if you live with Ray, this means your evenings look like this:

People. This is no way to live.

“Hey. He’s not nekkid. Gyp.”

[db]

“YM Girlz Rule!”

Speak Up

When you leave a salon, you want to look like a vixen, not a victim. So heed these tress tips:

  • Hate layers? Don’t like to spend more than ten minutes on your hair? Have clear ideas about your preferences, and communicate them to your stylist.Who wouldn’t have thought of that on her own?
  • Find three photos of locks you love, and three of locks you loathe. Your stylist will get your goals.Why do writers think teens want to read and talk in this half-assed rhyme thing all the time? All the alliteration and shit. They’re girls, not Star-Bellied Sneeches.
  • If too many strands start hitting the floor, speak up! You call the shots.Not at some salons, man. Those stylists work so fast that one minute you’ve got hair, and the next second you’re GI Jane. And you have no control over how much color you’re getting. Oh, and here’s a free tip: if you’ve got long hair, don’t ever let them try and color your hair with the hat with the holes? You know that thing that looks like a colander that they pop on your head and pull pieces of your hair out with a rat-tail comb? Good golly, that’s some pain right there.

rusty.

i started class

We had DSL problems and I’ve been busy, so pretend I’m writing this last Thursday and not today, which is Monday.

Well, I started my comedy classes. I’ve learned I’m quite rusty.

I hadn’t done any real improv work in almost a year. I’ve been doing a lot of writing, I did my one-person show and I filled in on a couple of quick improv shows, but real scene work and instruction were things I hadn’t done in probably close to a year, if not more.

So, needless to say, I was quite nervous walking in for my first class.

Here’s what I love about my new class: well, everything. But what struck me first was walking up the steps into this old-ass nasty building with the callboard taped with upcoming auditions and classes, signing in and standing with all of the other new students. The building has that Fame look about it where it’s dingy and the floors are all marred up and the place is drafty and old and the vending machine rarely works and it’s across the street from boarded up buildings and on the Walk of Fame.

It felt like I was starting over. Like, we were all going to walk around the room and whisper, “God, I hope I get it. I hope I get it. How many people does he need?”

We did a warm-up where we had to learn everyone’s name. I’m really bad at this, because I’ll remember faces but not names, and several times I called someone, “JenniferJessicaDamn!” instead of her real name. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was coming across as a nice person or this manic freak with ADD.

We went into physical warm-ups (I had forgotten to bring a ponytail holder, which shows just how long it’s been. I had the much-frowned-upon hair-in-my-face) and then walked around the space talking to each other, getting used to the sound of the room, the floor on our feet, things like that.

It had been so long since I’d done this stuff that when we were paired off and one girl started doing scene work with us, I didn’t know if I was supposed to play along, or if she was doing her own sort of warm-up. Good thing I started playing along, because seconds later the other groups were instructed to stop and watch us. The exercise was to pretend to find an object in the room, start working with it, and then continue to work with it while you did a scene. Generally you’re not supposed to comment on the action you’re doing, but usually in scenes with people you’ve never met before, you all start talking about what you’re doing, as you have no idea who this other person is. I started with a basketball, but figured that was too easy, and that everyone would be bouncing a ball. I quickly chose a paddle ball, forgetting that basically a paddle ball is another way to bounce a ball.

Once my scene was over and we started watching the others, I realized that I was one of the four people that had chosen an imaginary paddle ball to work with in a scene. So much for my individuality.

I also found myself getting so nervous about getting up and doing scene work that I started thinking about what I was going to say, do, be. This is so not what I’m supposed to be doing. I can’t help it, though. I start trying to guess what direction my scene will go. I look at the actors I’m going to work with and think about how they might react to different things that I’ll do. We took a break before it was my turn, and the girl I was going to be in the scene with started telling me the character she was going to play, and then we decided to just not talk about it at all and just have fun and do the scene the way you’re supposed to.

It went well, I think. In any event, it was lots of fun.

And something happened in the beginning of that scene. Once I heard that first burst of laughter from the class, my entire body eased. There isn’t a warm-up out there that can give me that sense of rhythm and calm as the sound of laughter. Then I know I’m on the right track. I know I’m in the right place. I know that I’m doing something I can do and I start to have lots of fun. It had been a while since I was in that classroom situation, and the laughter from the class gave me such a sense of relief.

I was back. I felt good. I had fun. And the rest of the time in the class I wasn’t afraid to answer questions or ask questions, or participate. I wasn’t thinking about what I was going to do anymore. I was watching scenes and enjoying the work of my other classmates and laughing and having a great time.

I’ve been the new kid in class so many times. I guess I never lose those first-time jitters. That gnawing in my stomach right before hand that says, “Run away. Go home. Don’t be a fool. What are you doing here?” I’m getting better at ignoring it and pushing forward. There’s a sense of familiarity in the work so that it’s not totally nerve-wracking. Looking at a stranger but knowing that you both know the same words to describe things, and that you both understand what you’re doing and what you’re going to do– that’s a great way to start a new school. It’s not completely unfamiliar. And you know that this stranger across from you is probably just as nervous. Even if she’s already finished three of these schools. She wants to trust you like you want to trust her. She’s funny. You’re funny. You just don’t know if you’re going to be funny together. You don’t know if there’s going to be a good give and take, or if it’s the two of you just screaming at each other trying to be the Big Funny Actor. But when I stop thinking about that, breathe, and relax, I find that the ride of the scene is over and you’re left a bit breathless and laughing before you even know you started.

[db]

“YM Girlz Rule!”

First Kiss Tips

Smooching a new sweetie can make anyone jittery. Here, three ways to give better lip service.

Reading this stuff makes me jittery.

  • If you want to kiss him, don’t be shy. Sit near him, maintain eye contact, and be willing to stop talking to give him an opening.Sit down, shut up, and stare at him like a stalker. For God’s sake, don’t ruin everything by talking. He’ll hate you if you talk! Just sit as close as possible and stare. Eventually he’ll kiss you just to get you to close your eyes! Works like magic, every time!
  • Keep mints or toothpaste nearby; duck away to refresh when you feel a kiss coming on.If you’ve never kissed anyone before, there’s no way you can see this one coming. My first kisser got to experience Pamietongue soaked in the essence of Garlic Chips. Dude. He could have warned me.
  • Take it slowly and enjoy it! There’s all the time in the world, and a first kiss with someone only happens once.In my experience, this isn’t a tip that the young girls need. The young boys need to know that kissing lasts a long time before boobie action.

something smells.

oh, right. the grammy nominations

Aw, yeah, people. It’s time for the Grammy nominations.

 

 

THE NATIONAL ACADEMY OF RECORDING ARTS & SCIENCES, INC FINAL NOMINATIONS LIST43rd Annual GRAMMY Awards

 

 

 

Category 1

Record Of The Year

Award to the Artist and to the Producer(s), Recording Engineer(s) and/or Mixer(s) if other than the artist. This category is for a commercially released single, or track from a current year’s album.

1. Say My Name
Destiny’s Child
Rodney Jerkins, producer; LaShawn Daniels, Brad Gildem & Jean Marie Hurout, engineers/mixers
Track from: The Writing’s On The Wall
[Columbia Records]

2. I Try
Macy Gray
Andrew Slater, producer; Dave Way, engineer/mixer
Track from: On How Life Is
[Clean Slate/Epic Records]

3. Music
Madonna
Mirwais Ahmadzai & Madonna, producers
Track from: Music
[Maverick/Warner Bros. Records]

4. Bye Bye Bye
*NSync
Jake & Kristian Lundin, producers; Mike Tucker, engineer/mixer
Track from: No Strings Attached
[Jive Records]

5. Beautiful Day
U2
Brian Eno & Daniel Lanois, producers; Steve Lillywhite & Richard Rainey, engineers/mixers
Track from: All That You Can’t Leave Behind
[Interscope Records]

Ooh, these are actually kind of good. This is a surprise. Take out “I Try,” as I’m just done with that song. So done with it. The other four are good songs. Okay, I’m really just saying “Beautiful Day” is good because I like U2 and I’m holding on to that dream.

“Music” is so much fun to dance to. So is “Say My Name.” Oh, and “Bye, Bye, Bye.” Oh, hell. I’m giving it to “Bye, Bye, Bye.” This song never got old. And made me like a boy band. That’s much more impressive than Madonna or Destiny’s Child.

Wait. Maybe Destiny’s Child.

Argh.

“Bye, Bye, Bye.” There.

Category 2

Album Of The Year

Award to the Artist(s), and to the Album Producer(s), Recording Engineer(s) and/or Mixer(s) if other than the artist.

1. Midnite Vultures
Beck
Beck Hansen & Dust Brothers, producers
[DGC/Interscope Records]

2. The Marshall Mathers LP
Eminem
Jeff Bass, Mark Bass, Dr. Dre, Eminem & The 45 King, producers; Rich Behrens, Mike Butler, Chris Conway, Rob Ebeling, Michelle Forbes, Richard Segal Huredia, Steve King, Aaron Lepley, James McCrone, Akane Nakamura & Lance Pierre, engineers/mixers
[Aftermath Entertainment/Interscope Records]

3. Kid A
Radiohead
Radiohead, producer; Nigel Godrich, engineer/mixer
[Capitol Records]

4. You’re The One
Paul Simon
Paul Simon, producer; Andy Smith, engineer/mixer
[Warner Bros. Records]

5. Two Against Nature
Steely Dan
Walter Becker & Donald Fagen, producers; Phil Burnett, Roger Nichols, Dave Russell & Elliot Scheiner, engineers/mixers
[Giant Records]

Ah, now that’s what the Grammys are supposed to look like.

Paul Simon. Steely Dan. Steely Dan!

To quote stee, “Paul Simon and Steely Dan are the Two Against Nature.”

And Beck? Album of the year? Yes, yes, I know. Calm down, you Beck fans. I swear, sometimes they’re worse than the Tori fans.

It’s silly to even discuss, since Kid A is the clear winner, here. But I just wonder how they came up with these other albums to pad around Radiohead.

“But we know who’s going to win.”

“So, put in Steely Dan for a nomination.”

“Oh, man. That’s funny.”

“I know.”

“Can we do that?”

“Who’s going to stop us?”

“Brilliant.”

 

Category 3

Song Of The Year

A Songwriter(s) Award. A song is eligible if it was first released or if it first achieved prominence during the Eligibility Year. (Artist names appear in parentheses.) Singles or Tracks only.

1. Beautiful Day
U2, songwriters (U2)
Track from: All That You Can’t Leave Behind
[Interscope Records; Publisher: Polygram Int’l Music Pub. B.V.]

2. Breathe
Stephanie Bentley & Holly Lamar, songwriters (Faith Hill)
Track from: Breathe
[Warner Bros. Records; Publishers: Cal IV Songs, Universal Songs Of Polygram Int’l Inc., Hopechest Music]

3. I Hope You Dance
Mark D. Sanders & Tia Sellers, songwriters (Lee Ann Womack)
Track from: I Hope You Dance
[Universal Records; Publishers: MCA Music Pub., Soda Creek Songs, Choice Is Tragic Music, Ensign Music Corp.]

4. I Try
Macy Gray, Jinsoo Lim, Jeremy Ruzumna & David Wilder, songwriters (Macy Gray)
Track from: On How Life Is
[Clean Slate/Epic Records; Publishers: Children Of The Forest On Behalf Of Itself & Mel-Boopie Music, April Music Inc., Jinsoo Lim Music, Roastitoasti]

5. Say My Name
LaShawn Daniels, Fred Jerkins III, Rodney Jerkins, Beyonc Knowles, LeToya Luckett, LaTavia Roberson & Kelendria Rowland, songwriters (Destiny’s Child)
Track from: The Writing’s On The Wall
[Columbia Records; Publishers: EMI Blackwood Music Inc./Rodney Jerkins Prod., Ensign Music Corp./Fred Jerkins Pub., Beyonc Pub., LeToya Music Pub., Kelendria Music Pub., LaTavia Music Pub.]

I hope I never hear whatever song is that “I Hope You Dance.”

So, here we’re supposed to look at the lyrics, I assume. “I Try” went from a nice song I’d hear once in a while to a song that makes my skin crawl. That and the girl is clearly on so much crack she doesn’t even know her own name anymore.

But, come on, people. Again, there’s no contest. “Call me your boo?” That’s sheer poetry.

Even though I had to explain what this song means to Eric about seventeen times, it’s all good. And now he doesn’t like Destiny’s Child because it makes him feel like a bad person. That’s powerful girl-power lyrics. If a song makes you feel like you should buy your girl things and tell her she’s wonderful? Thank you, Beyonce. And all the other girls kicked out that are listed above.

 

Category 4

Best New Artist

For a new artist who releases, during the Eligibility Year, the first recording which establishes the public identity of that artist.

1. Shelby Lynne
2. Brad Paisley
3. Papa Roach
4. Jill Scott
5. Sisqo

Ah, the list of people we won’t ever have to hear from again. So refreshing.

Come on, Papa Roach. Make me proud. I’d rather listen to “The Thong Song” seventeen times in a row than have to hear one more repeat of “CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES! THIS IS MY LAST RESORT!”

And… Brad Paisley? What kind of name is that? Should I know this boy? His name is like, “Dude. You like Brad Paisley? You know he’s gay, right? I mean, as long as you know that and you can admit that you’ve got no chance with him at all, that’s okay, then, right? I mean… Brad Paisley? Can’t you just have a crush on Peter Madras?”

 

Category 5

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance

For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.

1. What A Girl Wants
Christina Aguilera
Track from: Christina Aguilera
[RCA Label Group]

2. I Try
Macy Gray
Track from: On How Life Is
[Clean Slate/Epic Records]

3. Music
Madonna
Track from: Music
[Maverick/Warner Bros. Records]

4. Save Me
Aimee Mann
Track from: Magnolia – Music From The Motion Picture
[Reprise Records]

5. Both Sides Now
Joni Mitchell
Track from: Both Sides Now
[Reprise Records]

6. Oops!…I Did It Again
Britney Spears
Track from: Oops!…I Did It Again
[Jive Records]

There must be some mistake here. Six nominations. Somehow the ballot got screwed up with something from 1972, because there’s not other reason that JONI MITCHELL would be nominated for a GRAMMY in the year 2000.

Joni Mitchell? Did I miss something? Okay, first of all, the sound of Joni Mitchell’s voice makes the skin on my forehead tighten and clench. My hairline recedes. My gums hurt. And that song… I remember that song. Why is it just now getting nominated? Did she do a remix of her own song? WHY? WHY with the folking and the strumming?

Man. I’m giving this one to Britney. It’s time she won something.

Yeah, I know, it should go to Aimee Mann. Yes, I know she’s underrepresented. But you’ll like her more if she doesn’t win anything and most people don’t know how cool she is. Trust me. I’m listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers Mother’s Milk right now, and I’ve never forgotten that moment my heart broke when I heard the cheerleaders at my high school ripping “Under the Bridge” to shreds.

Give it to Britney. You’ll thank me later.

 

Category 6

Best Male Pop Vocal Performance

For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.

1. You Sang To Me
Marc Anthony
Track from: Marc Anthony
[Columbia Records]

2. Taking You Home
Don Henley
Track from: Inside Job
[Warner Bros. Records]

3. She Bangs
Ricky Martin
[Columbia Records]

4. 6, 8, 12
Brian McKnight
Track from: Back At One
[Motown Records]

5. She Walks This Earth (Soberana Rosa)
Sting
Track from: A Love Affair – The Music Of Ivan Lins (Various Artists)
[Telarc Records]

Somewhere there’s a special place for the artists that can get nominated year after damn year even if they didn’t have a song released that year. Even if they’re dead. Even if they wrote a song that no one ever heard.

If any of you bought a Don Henley album this year and can actually sing “Taking You Home” to me, I want you to do me a favor. I want you to stop reading my website. His album is called Inside Job, which is the only way I can see him getting a Grammy nomination, here, anyway.

And what is up with that Sting song? I had to hear that damn “Desert Rose” song like, seven thousand times. Why not nominate that one? I put up with a lot for that song. Is that the same song? Maybe it is. I don’t know. But, man.

That Brian McKnight song looks like something from “Sesame Street,” right down to the album title.

And I raise my bottle of lemonade that this might be the last time we hear from Marc Anthony.

Go ahead with your bad self, Ricky. I’ll show you banging, boy. Just come on over. You know you’ve been waiting too long for some action from the pamie section.

(I am aware that my Ricky fixation is about as viable as having a crush on Brad Paisley, but I’d appreciate it if you’d just let me live in my fantasy world every once in a while.)

 

Category 7

Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal

For established duos or groups. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely
Backstreet Boys
Track from: Millenium
[Jive Records]

2. Pinch Me
Barenaked Ladies
Track from: Maroon
[Reprise Records]

3. Breathless
The Corrs
Track from: In Blue
[143/Lava/Atlantic Records]

4. Bye Bye Bye
*NSync
Track from: No Strings Attached
[Jive Records]

5. Cousin Dupree
Steely Dan
Track from: Two Against Nature
[Giant Records]

Steely God Damn Dan. What is up? Cousin Dupree? I mumbled something out loud about Steely Dan and the first thing Ray said? “Aw, that’s good. Yeah. Steely Dan.” And then he did some sort of clapping. I then made him take Cal off his lap.

When did Steely Dan become Pop? Is it Pop? I was all, “Steely Dan is still alive?” which sent stee into giggles, but whatever. Band or man, I think the Grammys have forgotten what year it is or something has gone heinously wrong on the ballot that meshed this year with a bunch of other years.

Anyway, that Backstreet Boys song is crap. I know you people have a thing for The Corrs, but I haven’t heard one song yet. This means I must default to the *NSYNC because “Bye, Bye, Bye” rules you.

I don’t want to talk about the Barenaked Ladies. I refuse to buy into America’s love affair with them. I’ll see you post break-up on that one.

 

Category 8

Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals

For a collaborative performance by artists who do not normally perform together. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Thank God I Found You
Mariah Carey Featuring Joe & 98
Track from: Rainbow
[Columbia Records]

2. The Difficult Kind
Sheryl Crow & Sarah McLachlan
Track from: Live From Central Park
[A&M/Interscope Records]

3. All The Way
Celine Dion (& Frank Sinatra)
Track from: All The Way…A Decade Of Song
[Epic/550 Music]

4. Turn Your Lights Down Low
Lauryn Hill (& Bob Marley)
Track from: The Best Man – Music From The Motion Picture (Various)
[Sony Music Soundtrax]

5. Is You Is, Or Is You Ain’t (My Baby)
B.B. King & Dr. John
Track from: Let The Good Times Roll
[MCA Records]

Thank God I didn’t hear any of these songs this year.

And for Pete’s sake, isn’t Celine gone yet? She keeps promising and then releasing. Promising and then torturing.

I’ll just give it to Lauryn Hill here because I love her, but my hatred of the Bob Marley tells me that I probably don’t want to do this. But really, she’s the least of the evils, here.

 

Category 9

Best Pop Instrumental Performance

For instrumental recordings, with or without vocal coloring, by an Orchestra, Group or Soloist.

Singles or Tracks only.

1. Overture (Selmasongs)
Björk; Vincent Mendoza, conductor
Track from: Selmasongs
[Elektra Entertainment Group]

2. Rebel Heart
The Corrs
Track from: In Blue
[143/Lava/Atlantic Records]

3. Zona Mona
Bla Fleck & The Flecktones
Track from: Outbound
[Columbia Records]

4. Caravan
The Brian Setzer Orchestra
Track from: Vavoom!
[Interscope Records]

5. Camaleao
Grover Washington, Jr.
Track from: A Love Affair – The Music Of Ivan Lins (Various Artists)
[Telarc Records]

What a strange category. Björk’s “Overture” here is absolutely beautiful, so that’s the one I’m going with. But I just want to point out Brian Setzer’s ability to get nominated for something each and every year.

 

Category 10

Best Dance Recording

For solo artists, duos or groups, vocal or instrumental. Singles or tracks only.

1. Who Let The Dogs Out
Baha Men
Track from: Who Let The Dogs Out
[S-Curve Records]

2. Blue (Da Ba Dee)
Eiffel 65
Track from: Europop
[Republic/Universal Records]

3. Be With You
Enrique Iglesias
Track from: Enrique
[Interscope Records]

4. Let’s Get Loud
Jennifer Lopez
Track from: On The 6
[Work]

5. Natural Blues
Moby
Track from: Play
[V2 Records]

Dammit! I had just gotten that “Blue” song out of my head for the first time in nine months, too.

I guess I’m going with Moby on this one, but is that the best we can do in dance songs this year? Because that’s really sad. I’m sure there were more. There have to be. Can’t Madonna’s “Music” get nominated here? I mean, “Who Let the Dogs Out?” Does anyone dance to that? I suppose there’s that shaky motion that your body gets as you have to stand up and walk over to the radio and change the dial, but it’s hardly considered dancing, is it?

Dear Enrique,

Are you done yet? Just wondering.

Love,

The World.

 

Category 11

Best Pop Instrumental Album

For solo artists, duos or groups.

1. Audio
Blue Man Group
[Virgin Records America]

2. Faith – A Holiday Album
Kenny G
[Arista Records]

3. Symphony No. 1
Joe Jackson
[Sony Classical]

4. Pieces In A Modern Style
William Ørbit
[Maverick Records]

5. Hymns – In The Garden
Kirk Whalum
[Top Drawer Records]

Here it is. This is the soundtrack to the small cube I will live in for all eternity when I’m sent to hell. Hope you feel sorry for me now. This is it.

I’ll pull all of my toenails out and cry and eat my eyelashes and rock back and forth and develop a strange fascination with the Blue Man Group just to feel like I’m still arty and interesting. I’ll have a crush on “The blue one,” and plan our children together.

I’ll march down the imaginary aisle to Kenny G and whatever “symphony” Joe Jackson has claimed to come up with. I’ll take the Ø in William Ørbit’s name. I’ll do whatever it is I have to do to repent for all of the terrible, horrible things I’ve said in my lifetime.

I’ll have to write love notes to Gary Sinise and tell him that I don’t really think that he eats baby hands for dinner.

I’ll have to tell Tea Leoni that I hear she’s actually a very nice person and that I’m sure Weldon thinks she’s funnier than I am.

I’ll be forced to date Michael Jackson because I wished so hard for him when I was eight, and I’ll have to spend the rest of my eternal life shouting in my white trash voice, “Y’all don’t know! He’s special! We have a special love that y’all don’t know! You shut up! Y’all shut up! Y’all don’t know!”

 

Category 12

Best Pop Vocal Album

For solo artists, duos or groups.

1. Inside Job
Don Henley
[Warner Bros. Records]

2. Music
Madonna
[Maverick/Warner Bros. Records]

3. No Strings Attached
*NSync
[Jive Records]

4. Oops!…I Did It Again
Britney Spears
[Jive Records]

5. Two Against Nature
Steely Dan
[Giant Records]

Good golly. Now, there’s a list of nominations, people.

I imagine right now there’s a phone conversation going on where Madonna is calmly trying to explain to Britney that Don Henly and Steely Dan are not parts of an obscure boy band and that she doesn’t have to worry about breaking up with Justin to date any of them.

By the way, aside from the actual song “Music,” that Madonna album is a giant piece of technopoo. “Music” is the only song that sounds like Madonna is having any fun at all. The rest of the album is like she wasn’t even there.

For her sake, I hope she wasn’t.

Oh, hell. Give this one to Henley. I want to see him cry and shake and be ever-so-humble about his “Inside Job.”

 

Category 13

Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album

For solo artists, duos or groups.

1. As Time Goes By
Bryan Ferry
[Virgin Records America]

2. It’s Like This
Rickie Lee Jones
[Artemis Records]

3. Songs From The Last Century
George Michael
[Virgin Records America]

4. Both Sides Now
Joni Mitchell
[Reprise Records]

5. Timeless – Live In Concert
Barbra Streisand
[Columbia Records]

What has happened, here, people? I can’t take this.

 

Category 14

Best Female Rock Vocal Performance

For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Paper Bag
Fiona Apple
Track from: When The Pawn
[Clean Slate/Epic Records]

2. There Goes The Neighborhood
Sheryl Crow
Track from: Live From Central Park
[A&M/Interscope Records]

3. Enough Of Me
Melissa Etheridge
Track from: Breakdown
[Island/Def Jam Music Group]

4. So Pure
Alanis Morissette
Track from: Woodstock, 99 (Various Artists)
[Hybrid/Epic Records]

5. Glitter In Their Eyes
Patti Smith
Track from: Gung Ho
[Arista Records]

Well, at least Melissa Etheridge has figured out what the world really thinks about her. That’s good.

I had no idea Alanis had a song this year. I’d like to thank the radio stations for keeping this one on the down low. This one clearly goes to Fiona, because me and seven other people love When the Pawn, and I don’t care.

 

Category 15

Best Male Rock Vocal Performance

For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Thursday’s Child
David Bowie
Track from: Hours…
[Virgin Records America]

2. Things Have Changed
Bob Dylan
Track from: Wonder Boys – Music From The Motion Picture (Various Artists)
[Columbia/Sony Music Soundtrax]

3. Workin’ It
Don Henley
Track from: Inside Job
[Warner Bros. Records]

4. Again
Lenny Kravitz
Track from: Greatest Hits
[Virgin Records America]

5. Into The Void
Nine Inch Nails
Track from: The Fragile
[Nothing/Interscope Records]

[scripty]

LENNY’S AGENT
Hello? Lenny?

LENNY KRAVITZ
Yeah. Let me guess.

LENNY’S AGENT
You did it again, baby.

LENNY KRAVITZ
Yeah, I know. That’s why I named the album that.

LENNY’S AGENT
You did what?

LENNY KRAVITZ
Named the album “Again.”

LENNY’S AGENT
Why’d you name it again?

LENNY KRAVITZ
Because it’s a joke.

LENNY’S AGENT
What was wrong with the name before?

LENNY KRAVITZ
What name?

LENNY’S AGENT
“Again.”

LENNY KRAVITZ
What name?

LENNY’S AGENT
“Again.”

LENNY KRAVITZ
No, I named it that.

LENNY’S AGENT
Again?

LENNY KRAVITZ
Yeah.

LENNY’S AGENT
Why’d you name it “Again” again?”

LENNY KRAVITZ
What did I get nominated for?

LENNY’S AGENT
Best male rock vocal, baby.

LENNY KRAVITZ
Perfect.

LENNY’S AGENT
Again.

LENNY KRAVITZ
I know. That’s the… never mind. Who’m I nominated with?

LENNY’S AGENT
Oh, right. That’s always your favorite part for some reason, isn’t it? Uh… let’s see… Bowie, Dylan, Henley, and the dude from Nine Inch Nails.

LENNY KRAVITZ
This is so fucking perfect.

LENNY’S AGENT
Don’t be thinking they’re going to be onto you and cancel out your deal with the devil. This nomination doesn’t look any more suspicious than your others. You’re Grammy Gold, baby.

LENNY KRAVITZ
Henley.

LENNY’S AGENT
Don’t worry, kid. You’ll beat him. Don’t let him get you down.

LENNY KRAVITZ
No. There’s no way I’ll ever get more nominations than Henley. The guy is a nomination god.

LENNY’S AGENT
But you’ve got VH-1.

LENNY KRAVITZ
So does he.

LENNY’S AGENT
MTV?

LENNY KRAVITZ
Him too.

LENNY’S AGENT
Well… he’s gonna die someday. And you’ll still be getting nominations.

LENNY KRAVITZ
Me and Bob Dylan. Together at last.

LENNY’S AGENT
Glad to hear you’re having a more positive reaction to your nominations these days.

LENNY KRAVITZ
What else am I supposed to do?

[/scripty]

 

In other tragic news, at approximately 8:35 Pacific time this morning, shortly after the Grammy nominations had been announced, Trent Reznor, lead singer of Nine Inch Nails, jumped to his death declaring that rock, along with all that is holy, is officially dead.

Marilyn Manson was apparently there during Reznor’s final moments to taunt and declare himself officially, “Much much fucking cooler, dude.”

 

Category 16

Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal

For Duos or Groups with vocals. Singles or Tracks only.

1. It’s My Life
Bon Jovi
Track from: Crush
[Island/Def Jam Music Group]

2. With Arms Wide Open
Creed
Track from: Human Clay
[Wind-Up]

3. Learn To Fly
Foo Fighters
Track from: There Is Nothing Left To Lose
[RCA Records]

4. Californication
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Track from: Californication
[Warner Bros. Records]

5. Beautiful Day
U2
Track from: All That You Can’t Leave Behind
[Interscope Records]

[scripty]

DAVE GROHL
Pamie! Pamie! For God’s sake, get down from that ledge.

PAMIE
No! I can’t! I’m gonna pull a Trent! I want to just… I can’t take it anymore!

DAVE GROHL
Nothing is worth ending your life, Pamie.

PAMIE
Oh yeah? Did you see who you’re nominated with for best Rock Group this year?

DAVE GROHL
No, but it’s usually us, Rage, the Chili Peppers, Metallica and like, Korn or something. What’s wrong with that?

PAMIE
Dave! I’m sorry to break this to you, but it’s Bon Jovi.

DAVE GROHL
Oh, fuck!

PAMIE
I know!

DAVE GROHL
Jesus. And I was going to go out tonight. Now I can’t show my face. Oh, God. Fucking Bon Jovi, are you fucking kidding?

PAMIE
I don’t want to live anymore.

DAVE GROHL
Look, it’ll be okay. We’ll be okay. Look, how about you get down and the two of us will go get tattoos that say “Rock is Dead, Reznor Lives, 2001” on the small of our backs and then we’ll get shitty drunk and go do Karaoke together, okay?

PAMIE
That sounds wonderful, and you know I want to do that, but…

DAVE GROHL
Come on, baby. I hate it when my beautiful imaginary girlfriend is so pouty. The pouty princess face makes me sad, you know that. Come on down and give your sweet Dave a hug.

PAMIE
IT GETS WORSE, DAVE!

DAVE GROHL
It can’t possibly. You’re just overreacting. Come down here. I’m almost naked!

PAMIE
DAVE, SHUT UP FOR A SECOND! It’s Creed! It’s Creed! Creed!

DAVE GROHL
What?

PAMIE
Creed! They’re also nominated. Next to you. They’re nominated and Bon Jovi’s nominated and then the Chili’s and U2 of course, but I just don’t want to live in a world where you, Bon Jovi and Creed will all be mentioned in the same sentence.

DAVE GROHL
Are you sure?

PAMIE
YES I’M SURE. That’s why I’m on this LEDGE. Hello?

DAVE GROHL
Hello, yourself! Move over! I’m getting up there!

PAMIE
No! You have too much to live for.

DAVE GROHL
I don’t have shit. I only have you now, and you don’t want to live, so I don’t either.

PAMIE
I’m sorry!

DAVE GROHL
I was in NIRVANA for fuck’s sake!

PAMIE
I know!

DAVE GROHL AND PAMIE
What kind of world?

PAMIE
This is no way to live.

DAVE GROHL
Will you hold me?

PAMIE
Forever. What are you doing?

DAVE GROHL
I’m calling up Thom Yorke to see how he handles this all the time.

PAMIE
Good idea. Tell him he still owes me a Scrabble game.

[/scripty]

 

 

Category 17

Best Hard Rock Performance

For solo vocals, or Duos/Groups with vocals. Singles or Tracks only.

1. American Bad Ass
Kid Rock
Track from: The History Of Rock
[Top Dog/Lava/Atlantic Records]

2. Take A Look Around (Theme From “M:I-2”)
Limp Bizkit
Track from: Mission: Impossible 2 – Music From And Inspired By
[Hollywood Records]

3. Grievance
Pearl Jam
Track from: Binaural
[Epic Records]

4. Guerrilla Radio
Rage Against The Machine
Track from: The Battle Of Los Angeles
[Epic Records]

5. Down
Stone Temple Pilots
Track from: No. 4
[Atlantic Records]

Dear World:

We’re really sorry. Whatever it is that we did that make y’all put that curse on us that made us write just shitty music and get stuck in the hell known as Grammy nominations– we’re really damn sorry. I’m sorry about that remake of the fifties song last year. I don’t know. Don’t try meth, that’s all the advice I have about that. That was my little piece of wisdom I picked up from that whole sounding-like-Goat Boy experience.

I really had no right to treat y’all like you were just a bunch of mindless freaks who would buy anything I shit out. I’m really sorry about releasing ninteen different live albums this year when only one of them was really actually worth anything.

I’ve learned my lesson. The only band that’s allowed to just put out compliations and remixes and not really do anything new and still get awards and nominations and mad cash are the Beastie Boys. And that’s because they’re musical gods that have earned that title, and I haven’t done anything that’s worth a shit since “Jeremy.”

It’s just… I look over this list of nominations and I realize now that we’ve fallen into this category of “artists that just get nominations but everyone secretly hates now, but has to pretend they still like them because that’s what you do if you know anything about music.”

The only cool one up there is Zach because he knew well enough to just walk the fuck away from a band that releases an all-cover album. I never wanted to be listed with Fred Durst and Kid Rock. I mean, my mom reads these nominations, you know? It’s fucking embarassing.

And, yeah, Weiland’s up there, but he doesn’t even know how to tie his own shoes anymore, much less know how to read. They told him he was nominated for best cock and he’s all boasting. You should have seen the flowers he sent to me this morning. Thought we were both nominated for “Best Cock.” It’s these orchids with this syringe popping out of the… why am I telling you this? Totally off track, here. Sorry.

I’m going back to the studio now. If you guys could find it in your hearts to forgive me and lift that curse of suck, I’d really appreciate it.

On my knees, trying to be a better man,

Eddie Vedder

 

Category 18

Best Metal Performance

For solo vocals, or Duos/Groups with vocals. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Elite
Deftones
Track from: White Pony
[Maverick Recording Company]

2. The Wicker Man
Iron Maiden
Track from: Brave New World
[Portrait/Columbia Records]

3. Astonishing Panorama Of The Endtimes
Marilyn Manson
Track from: The Last Tour On Earth AND FROM MTV Celebrity Deathmatch (Various Artists)
[Interscope Records]

4. Revolution Is My Name
Pantera
Track from: Reinventing The Steel
[EastWest/EEG]

5. Wait And Bleed
Slipknot
Track from: Slipknot
[Roadrunner Records]

Give up. Go home. All of you. It’s over. It’s all over.

Iron Maiden.

Dude, have you seen those guys from Slipknot? For everyone’s sake, I hope they either win or are banned from the awards ceremony. Not just the band, but the fans. Those clown-mask-wearing-face-slashing-blood-drinking fuckers would scare Crispen Glover.

In other news, a recent autopsy on Rock legend Trent Reznor, deceased frontman for Nine Inch Nails, has revealed a peculiar message. Written in what can only be described as internal scratches on his chest, not unlike a scene from The Exorcist, are the words: “Manson: Ha. Ha. HA. Fucker. Your turn.”

 

Category 19

Best Rock Instrumental Performance

Includes Rock, Hard Rock and Metal Instrumentals. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Off The Hook
Peter Frampton
Track from: Live In Detroit
[CMC International]

2. The Call Of The Ktulu
Metallica With Michael Kamen Conducting The San Francisco Symphony Orchestra
Track from: S & M
[Elektra Entertainment Group]

3. First Tube
Phish
Track from: Farmhouse
[Elektra Entertainment Group]

4. Until We Say Goodbye
Joe Satriani
Track from: Engines Of Creation
[Epic Records]

5. Electric Lullaby
Kenny Wayne Shepherd Band
Track from: Live On
[Giant Records]

Take that, Metallica. Look what you’ve become. Take a fucking good luck at your Frampton/Phish/Satriani asses.

The shortest straw has been drawn for you.

 

Category 20

Best Rock Song

A Songwriter(s) Award. Includes Rock, Hard Rock & Metal songs. For Song Eligibility Guidelines see Category #3. (Artist names appear in parentheses.) Singles or Tracks only.

1. Again
Lenny Kravitz, songwriter (Lenny Kravitz)
[Virgin Records America; Publisher: Miss Bessie Music]

2. Bent
Rob Thomas, songwriter (Matchbox Twenty)
Track from: Mad Season
[Melisma/Lava/Atlantic Records; Publisher: EMI Blackwood Music, Inc./Bidnis, Inc.]

3. Californication
Flea, John Frusciante, Anthony Kiedis & Chad Smith, songwriters (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
Track from: Californication
[Warner Bros. Records; Publisher: Moebetoblame Music]

4. Kryptonite
Brad Arnold, Todd Harrell & Matt Roberts, songwriters (3 Doors Down)
Track from: The Better Life
[Republic/Universal Records; Publisher: Escatawpa Songs]

5. With Arms Wide Open
Scott Stapp & Mark Tremonti, songwriters (Creed)
Track from: Human Clay
[Wind-Up; Publisher: Tremonti/Stapp Music]

“A Songwriter Award.” Really.

God, Creed’s going to win this one and I shall cry the tears of a thousand mourners.

I just had to go outside for a little while. My DSL has gone down for an hour, now. I can’t post this, and I can’t check mail. My entire apartment is weeping for music.

 

[scripty]

LENNY KRAVITZ
That’s right, bitches.

[/scripty]

 

 

Category 21

Best Rock Album

For solo artists, duos or groups, vocal or instrumental. Includes Hard Rock and Metal.

1. Crush
Bon Jovi
[Island/Def Jam Music Group]

2. There Is Nothing Left To Lose
Foo Fighters
[RCA/Roswell Records]

3. Mad Season
Matchbox Twenty
[Melisma/Lava/Atlantic Records]

4. Return Of Saturn
No Doubt
[Interscope/Trauma Records]

5. The Battle Of Los Angeles
Rage Against The Machine
[Epic Records]

Oh, here’s No Doubt. The one nomination. Lovely.

This is really all so terribly depressing, isn’t it?

I want my boyfriend Dave Grohl to win, but there’s only one nomination for No Doubt, and I really like Return of Saturn, and as much as I love Foo Fighters, I don’t love There is Nothing Left To Lose more than The Colour and the Shape, so I think I want No Doubt to win here.

And I wish matchbox twenty and Bon Jovi would get into a fist fight.

 

Category 22

Best Alternative Music Album

For solos, duos or groups, vocal or instrumental.

1. When The Pawn
Fiona Apple
[Clean Slate/Epic Records]

2. Midnite Vultures
Beck
[DGC/Interscope Records]

3. Bloodflowers
The Cure
[Fiction/Elektra Entertainment Group]

4. Liverpool Sound Collage
Paul McCartney
[Capitol Records]

5. Kid A
Radiohead
[Capitol Records]

First of all, before I even looked at the nominations, I was totally kidding around going, “Here’s where they nominate The Cure because it’s the law.”

I bought Bloodflowers a very long time ago. So long ago, I didn’t remember that it was even possibly able to be considered for this year. I had to sit down I was so shocked.

Yes, I know. You’re right now sitting there, rubbing your eyes, screaming, “What? Who? How?”

Paul McCartney. His Radiohead meets The Cure achievement.

I can’t really explain it all, here. The best thing for you to do is some of your own exploring, right here.

It’s quite possibly the worst thing I’ve ever heard. And I’ve listened to Steely Dan.

If you’re back now, hi. I know you’re a different person, having listened to those soundclips. I know I know. It’s all going to be okay. Sir McCartney has had a very difficult year. He didn’t really mean to hurt you. He didn’t really mean to make you cry.

Okay, Radiohead. Go home with this one.

 

Category 23

Best Female R&B Vocal Performance

For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Try Again
Aaliyah
Track from: Romeo Must Die – The Album (Various)
[Blackground/Virgin Records America]

2. Bag Lady
Erykah Badu
Track from: Mama’s Gun
[Motown Records]

3. He Wasn’t Man Enough
Toni Braxton
Track from: The Heat
[LaFace Records]

4. As We Lay
Kelly Price
Track from: Mirror Mirror
[Def Soul Records]

5. Gettin’ In The Way
Jill Scott
Track from: Who Is Jill Scott? Words And Sounds Vol.1
[Hidden Beach Recordings]

Um, didn’t “Bag Lady” come out yesterday? Just checking.

Oh, Toni Braxton. So still here. So still not making me like you. Every once in a while I get tricked. Then I remember: you’re a man.

Who’s Kelly Price or Jill Scott? Who is Jill Scott? indeed.

Aaliyah’s “Try Again” is catchy. But, you know, Erykah is the winner in any book. But seriously, that song came out yesterday.

For those of you keeping score at home, my DSL is still down. I’ve completely detached all electronic devices and put them back together. Nothing. Can’t get any connection. I’m cut off from the world listening to Ella Fitzgerald sing Christmas songs (because I’m too lazy to find that CD in the changer and switch it with something else) and a list of crap-ass songs getting lauded for being extraordinarily crappy.

Kill me.

 

Category 24

Best Male R&B Vocal Performance

For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Untitled (How Does It Feel)
D’Angelo
Track from: Voodoo
[Virgin Records America]

2. I Wanna Know
Joe
Track from: My Name Is Joe
[Jive Records]

3. I Wish
R. Kelly
Track from: TP-2.COM
[Jive Records]

4. Stay Or Let It Go
Brian McKnight
Track from: Back At One
[Motown Records]

5. Thong Song
Sisqo
Track from: Unleash the Dragon
[Def Soul Records]

I wanna know how Joe has been so busy this year. I wish R. Kelly was gone.

I swear I’ve mocked this list of nominees before. I’m pretty sure I gave it to Sisqo. I’m pretty sure D’Angelo won.

So, we’ll just say all of those things again.

 

Category 25

Best R&B Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal

For duos or groups with vocals. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Pass You By
Boyz II Men
Track from: Nathan/Michael/Shawn/Wanya
[Universal Records]

2. Say My Name
Destiny’s Child
Track from: The Writing’s On The Wall
[Columbia Records]

3. 911
Wyclef Jean Featuring Mary J. Blige
Track from: The Ecleftic – 2 Sides II A Book
[Columbia Records]

4. Dance Tonight
Lucy Pearl
Track from: Lucy Pearl
[Beyond Music/Pookie Records]

5. Coming Back Home
BeBe Winans Featuring Brian McKnight & Joe
Track from: Love & Freedom
[Motown Records]

Boyz II Men? People! Did you know they were still around? I mean, really? Did you know that? I had no idea. They’re still making tracks on something called Nathan/Michael/Shawn/Wanya, which sounds like a real winner, there.

I swear there’s something wrong with this year’s ballot.

Hey, I’ve done all of you a favor, by the way. You don’t have to thank me. I bought the Wyclef album The Ecleftic. Now you don’t have to. Don’t.

Go, go “Say My Name.”

 

Category 26

Best R&B Song

A Songwriter(s) Award. For Song Eligibility Guidelines see Category #3. (Artist names appear in parentheses.) Singles or Tracks only.

1. Bag Lady
Erykah Badu, songwriter (Erykah Badu)
Track from: Mama’s Gun
[Motown Records]

2. He Wasn’t Man Enough
LaShawn Daniels, Fred Jerkins III, Rodney Jerkins & Harvey Mason Jr., songwriters (Toni Braxton)
Track from: The Heat
[LaFace Records; Publishers: Rodney Jerkins Prod./EMI Blackwood Music Inc., Fred Jerkins Pub./Famous-Ensign Music Pub. Corp., LaShawn Daniels, Inc., EMI April Music Pub., First Avenue Music/BMG]

3. Say My Name
LaShawn Daniels, Fred Jerkins III, Rodney Jerkins, Beyonc Knowles, LeToya Luckett, LaTavia Roberson & Kelendria Rowland, songwriters (Destiny’s Child)
Track from: The Writing’s On The Wall
[Columbia Records; Publishers: EMI Blackwood Music, Inc./Rodney Jerkins Prod., Ensign Music Corp./Fred Jerkins Pub., Beyonc Pub., LeToya Music Pub., Kelendria Music Pub., LaTavia Music Pub.]

4. Thong Song
Mark Andrews, Tim Kelley & Bob Robinson, songwriters (Sisqo)
Track from: Unleash The Dragon
[Def Soul Records]

5. Untitled (How Does It Feel)
D’Angelo & Raphael Saadiq, songwriters (D’Angelo)
Track from: Voodoo
[Virgin Records America; Publishers: Universal-Polygram Int’l Pub. Inc., Ah-Choo Pub., First Echo Pub.]

Wow. Lots of people write these songs, huh? There’s a difference when you move to R&B.

God, it’s so easy to just say “Say My Name” and then move on. But I just can’t believe some of these songs that we’ve put up with over the past year. I’m so glad 2000 is over.

 

Category 27

Best R&B Album

For solo artists, Duos/Groups, vocal or instrumental.

1. Nathan/Michael/Shawn/Wanya
Boyz II Men
[Universal Records]

2. The Heat
Toni Braxton
[LaFace Records]

3. Voodoo
D’Angelo
[Virgin Records America]

4. My Name Is Joe
Joe
[Jive Records]

5. Who Is Jill Scott? Words & Sounds Vol. 1
Jill Scott
[Hidden Beach Recordings]

6. Unleash The Dragon
Sisqo
[Def Soul Records]

I do not own one of these albums. I hope, for your sake, you don’t either.

Okay, I’ll let that D’Angelo slide. He’s supposed to be good. But if you own Unleash the Dragon? The world is laughing at you.

 

Category 28

Best Traditional R&B Vocal Album

For solo vocal performances or duos or groups with vocals.

1. All The Man You Need
Will Downing
[Motown Records]

2. Cool
George Duke
[Warner Bros. Records]

3. That’s For Sure
Jeffrey Osborne
[Private Music]

4. Gotta Get The Groove Back
Johnnie Taylor
[Malaco Records]

5. Ear-Resistible
The Temptations
[Motown Records]

I just think that Temptations album title is damn funny. I hope the next one they release is called Ear-Ritate. That’s all. Moving on.

 

Category 29

Best Rap Solo Performance

For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.

1. The Light
Common
Track from: Like Water For Chocolate
[MCA Records]

2. Party Up
DMX
Track from: …And Then There Was X
[Def Jam Records]

3. The Real Slim Shady
Eminem
Track from: The Marshall Mathers LP
[Aftermath/Interscope Records]

4. Shake Ya Ass
Mystikal
Track from: Let’s Get Ready
[Jive Records]

5. Country Grammar
Nelly
Track from: Country Grammar
[Universal Records]

I hope I never have to hear Nelly again. Let him win this, if that’s what it means. But “Party Up” rules. I can’t stop dancing when it’s on. I don’t care. Don’t judge me. You don’t know. The song is fun.

But, yeah, “The Real Slim Shady” is one of the best rap songs over the past year as far as I’m concerned. I may not like the boy, but the boy’s got skills.

 

Category 30

Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group

For a Duo or Group performance. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Alive
Beastie Boys
Track from: Beastie Boys Anthology: The Sounds Of Science
[Grand Royal Records]

2. Oooh.
De La Soul Featuring Redman
Track from: Art Official Intelligence: Mosaic Thump
[Tommy Boy Music]

3. Forgot About Dre
Dr. Dre Featuring Eminem
Track from: Dr. Dre – 2001
[Aftermath Entertainment/Interscope Records]

4. The Next Episode
Dr. Dre Featuring Snoop Dogg
Track from: Dr. Dre – 2001
[Aftermath Entertainment/Interscope Records]

5. Big Pimpin’
Jay-Z Featuring UGK
Track from: Vol. 3…Life And Times Of S. Carter
[Roc-A-Fella/Def Jam Records]

I like “Oooh.” because they put a period in the title. That’s cool. I’ve heard nothing but good things about that new De La album, I just haven’t bought it yet.

Go Dr. Dre on this one, huh?

Ugh! “Big Pimpin’.” Dammit! Now I’m all angry and gnashing my teeth and the injustice of Jay-Z and his crap-rap flute-shit that I had to hear all last year. With the “nugh!” and the “Wah!” and the flute and the crap. There isn’t a word powerful enough for how angry his music makes me.

I really don’t know what the Beasties are doing here. “Alive” wasn’t new, was it? I don’t care. I have the new Beasties DVD and it makes me very very happy.

Go Dre, I guess.

 

Category 31

Best Rap Album

For solo artists, duos or groups.

1. …And Then There Was X
DMX
[Def Jam Records]

2. Dr. Dre – 2001
Dr. Dre
[Aftermath Entertainment/Interscope Records]

3. The Marshall Mathers LP
Eminem
[Aftermath Entertainment/Interscope Records]

4. Vol. 3…Life And Times Of S. Carter
Jay-Z
[Roc-A-Fella/Def Jam Records]

5. Country Grammar
Nelly
[Universal Records]

Were there only five rap albums this year? I can’t tell.

Eminem. For what the album did for rap in the press this year.

Skipping Latin, World Beat, Polka, Country, Classical and such since I’m terribly unqualified to have an opinion on those things…

 

Category 70

Best Spoken Word Album

(Narrated/dramatized books include authors’ names in parentheses for identification.)

1. The Complete Shakespeare Sonnets
Various Artists (Including Kathleen Turner, Patrick Stewart, Al Pacino & Others)
[Airplay]

2. Married To Laughter – A Love Story Featuring Anne Meara (Jerry Stiller)
Jerry Stiller
[BDD Audio]

3. The Measure Of A Man (Sidney Poitier)
Sidney Poitier
[Harper Audio]

4. On The Road – Unabridged (Jack Kerouac)
Matt Dillon
[Caedmon]

5. Shopgirl (Steve Martin)
Steve Martin
[Simon & Schuster Audio]

Wow. Look at all of the wasted spoken words. And what is Matt Dillon doing? Is he that not busy that he has time to sit in a studio and read out loud the unabridged On the Road? Someone give that boy some work to do, please. He’s too good for this.

It probably only took Steve Martin three hours to read Shopgirl.

Oh, that Sonnets thing. Look at that. What a bad date.

 

Category 71

Best Spoken Comedy Album

For spoken word comedy recordings.

1. Big Funny
Jeff Foxworthy
[DreamWorks Nashville]

2. Braindroppings
George Carlin
[HighBridge Audio]

3. I Rant, Therefore I Am
Dennis Miller
[BDD Audio]

4. The Original Kings Of Comedy
Steve Harvey, D.L. Hughley, Cedric The Entertainer & Bernie Mac
[Universal Records]

5. The Prisoner Of Second Avenue
Richard Dreyfuss & Marsha Mason
[L.A. Theatre Works]

Foxworthy! You’re so cunning! So tricky! So omnipresent!

We haven’t laughed at you in twelve years and yet, you’re one of the most prolific comics in the world!

Plays on tape. Now there’s a new one. Thanks, Dreyfuss and Mason, for opening up a new world of pain on car trips.

 

Category 73

Best Compilation Soundtrack Album For A Motion Picture, Television Or Other Visual Media

Award to the Artist(s) and/or Producer(s) of a majority of the tracks on the album, or to the individual(s) actively responsible for the concept and musical direction and for the selection of artists, songs and producers, as applicable. Albums only.

1. Almost Famous
Various Artists
[DreamWorks Records]

2. Fantasia/2000
James Levine Conducting The Chicago Symphony Orchestra
[Walt Disney Records]

3. High Fidelity
Various Artists
[Hollywood Records]

4. Magnolia
Aimee Mann
[Reprise Records]

5. The Sopranos
Various Artists
[Sony Music Soundtrax/Columbia Records]

The DSL is still down, for those of you biting your nails.

Yeah, I figured it was just me.

Let’s see, I have the last three of these nominated albums. All three are good. I think High Fidelity does a good job of keeping the mood of the movie, but is missing something. It’s worth it for that Beta Band song, though.

Ih, Magnolia, I guess. As I have lots of memories of listening to that album and getting all maudlin and yearn-y and all of the emotions I suppose you’re supposed to feel while you listen.

 

Category 75

Best Song Written For A Motion Picture, Television Or Other Visual Media.

A Songwriter(s) award. This category is for a song (melody & lyrics) written specifically for a motion picture, television or other visual media, and commercially released on a recording for the first time during the Eligibility Year. (Artist names appear in parentheses.) Singles or Tracks only.

1. The Great Beyond (From Man On The Moon)
Peter Buck, Mike Mills & Michael Stipe, songwriters (R.E.M.)
[Warner Bros. Records; Publisher: Temporary Music]

2. Independent Women Part I (From Charlie’s Angels)
Samuel Barnes, Beyonc Knowles, Jean Claude Olivier & Corey Rooney, songwriters (Destiny’s Child)
[Columbia/Sony Music Soundtrax; Publishers: Enot Pub./Sony ATV Tunes LLC, Sony ATV/Cori Tiffani Pub., Beyonc Pub.]

3. Save Me (From Magnolia)
Aimee Mann, songwriter (Aimee Mann)
[Reprise Records; Publisher: Aimee Mann]

4. Things Have Changed (From Wonder Boys)
Bob Dylan, songwriter (Bob Dylan)
[Columbia/Sony Music Soundtrax; Publisher: Special Rider Music]

5. When She Loved Me (From Toy Story 2)
Randy Newman, songwriter (Sarah McLachlan)
[Walt Disney Records; Publisher: Walt Disney Music Co.]

Ooh, go Destiny’s Child. With your bad selves.

That song is really good, people. You can’t help it. Yeah, I’m gonna go with that one. At least it’s a bit happy.

And, how long ago was Man on the Moon, anyway?

 

Category 78

Best Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying A Vocalist(s)

Award to the Arranger. (Artist names appear in parentheses.) Singles or Tracks only.

1. Both Sides Now
Vince Mendoza, arranger (Joni Mitchell)
Track from: Both Sides Now
[Reprise]

2. Button Up Your Overcoat
Nnenna Freelon, arranger (Nnenna Freelon)
Track from: Soulcall
[Concord Jazz]

3. A Case Of You
Vince Mendoza, arranger (Joni Mitchell)
Track from: Both Sides Now
[Reprise]

4. Dream
Jorge Calandrelli, arranger (Ettore Stratta & His Orchestra)
Track from: As Time Goes By (Great Love Songs Of The Century)
[Teldec]

5. I’ve Seen It All
Björk, Vince Mendoza & Guy Sigsworth, arrangers (Björk Featuring Thom Yorke)
Track from: Selmasongs
[Elektra Entertainment Group]

There are too many nominations.

I’m only mentioning this one because the Björk song is wonderful and is even better after you’ve seen the movie.

 

Category 79

Best Recording Package

1. The Concert For Garca Lorca
Dan Ibe, art director (Ben Sidran)
[GoJazz Records]

2. Machina/The Machines Of God
Billy Corgan, Gregory Sylvester, Thomas Wolfe & Yelena Yemchuk, art directors (The Smashing Pumpkins)
[Virgin Records America]

3. Music
Kevin Reagan, art director (Madonna)
[Maverick/Warner Bros. Records]

4. The Shaming Of The True
Hugh Brown & John Seabury, art directors (Kevin Gilbert)
[KMG Records]

5. Zenith
Rachel Gutek & Jonathan Lea, art directors (The Jigsaw Seen)
[Vibro-Phonic Recordings]

I thought Ricky Martin had the best recording package.

Sorry. I’m getting punch drunk from the length of this entry. It’s been all day, people. All day working on this, writing and trying to fix the DSL and formatting the song titles and artists to where I just don’t care about these people anymore.

Anyway, here’s the last time Billy’s going to get nominated for something for a while. So, huzzah to him. As stee put it, “The packaging is designed perfectly to fit into the used bin.” His quote, not mine. Send him the hate mail. Not me.

What are those last two albums?

 

Category 81

Best Album Notes

1. The Best of Broadside 1962-1988: Anthems Of The American Underground From The Pages Of Broadside Magazine
Jeff Place, album notes writer (Various Artists)
[Smithsonian Folkways Recordings]

2. The Complete Columbia Recordings 1955-1961
Bob Blumenthal, album notes writer (Miles Davis & John Coltrane)
[Columbia/Legacy Recordings]

3. The Complete Lester Young Studio Sessions On Verve
John Chilton, album notes writer (Lester Young)
[Verve Records]

4. Hotcakes & Outtakes: 30 Years Of Little Feat
Bud Scoppa, album notes writer (Little Feat)
[Warner Archives/Rhino Records]

5. The Remains Of Tom Lehrer
Dr. Demento, album notes writer (Tom Lehrer)
[Warner Archives/Rhino Records]

6. Yes I Can! The Sammy Davis Jr. Story
Gerald Early, album notes writer (Sammy Davis Jr.)
[Warner Archives/Rhino Records]

I love the album notes nominations. Who decides this? Man. I want to write liner notes so bad just so one day I can flop down on my couch and go, “Man. I can’t believe Scoppa got nominated again. What a fucking hack. Did you see his liner notes? I wrote better shit in the fifth grade.”

When Dr. Demento is getting nominated, it’s time to back away.

 

Category 83

Best Engineered Album, Non-Classical

1. Absolute Benson
Steve Barkan, Jon Fausty, Al Schmitt & Bill Schnee, engineers (George Benson)
[GRP]

2. Here’s To You, Charlie Brown: 50 Great Years!
Clark Germain & Bill Schnee, engineers (David Benoit)
[GRP]

3. Kid A
Nigel Godrich, engineer (Radiohead)
[Capitol Records]

4. Oregon In Moscow
Rich Breen, engineer (Oregon With The Moscow Tchaikovsky Symphony Orchestra)
[Intuition Music]

5. Two Against Nature
Phil Burnett, Roger Nichols, Dave Russell & Elliot Scheiner, engineers (Steely Dan)
[Giant Records]

“Oh, you know, I guess I’m into the same kind of music everyone is. You know, I like Radiohead, and I like Benson, Benoit, Tchaikovsky, Dan.”

“Dan?”

“Steely.”

“Oh, of course. They engineered the shit out of that last album, didn’t they?”

“Fuck yeah, they did.”

 

Category 84

Producer Of The Year, Non-Classical

1. Bill Bottrell
* Gotta Get Back (Shelby Lynne) (T)
* I Am Shelby Lynne (Shelby Lynne) (A)

2. Dr. Dre
* B**** Please II (Eminem Featuring Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Xzibit & Nate Dogg) (T)
* Chin Check (N.W.A.) (T)
* Dr. Dre – 2001 (Dr. Dre) (A)
* Hello (Ice Cube Featuring Dr. Dre & MC Ren) (T)
* I’m Back (Eminem) (T)
* Kill You (Eminem) (T)
* The Real Slim Shady (Eminem) (T)
* Remember Me? (Eminem Featuring RBX And Sticky Fingaz) (T)
* Who Knew (Eminem) (T)

3. Nigel Godrich
* Kid A (Radiohead) (A)
* The Man Who (Travis) (A)

4. Jimmy Jam, Terry Lewis
* The Best Man I Can Be (Ginuwine, R.L., Tyrese & Case) (T)
* Bliss (Mariah Carey) (T)
* Can’t Take That Away (Mariah’s Theme) (Mariah Carey) (T)
* Dance & Shout (Shaggy Featuring Pee Wee) (T)
* Doesn’t Really Matter (Janet) (T)
* Petals (Mariah Carey) (T)
* Rainbow (Interlude) (Mariah Carey) (T)
* Thank God I Found You (Mariah Carey Featuring Joe & 98) (T)
* Vulnerability (Mariah Carey) (T)

5. Matt Serletic
* The American (Angie Aparo) (A)
* I Want You To Need Me (Celine Dion) (S)
* Mad Season (Matchbox Twenty) (A)
* Need To Be Next To You (Leigh Nash) (S)

I like this category because it’s a good way to see who you just hate and can blame for all sorts of pain your ears suffered over the year.

We really really really hate Matt Serletic. I’m ready to pay him to retire. Bill Bottrell doesn’t seem to have much of a shot here with his one-two Shelby-Shelby punch.

Come on, Nigel. Or Dre. I don’t care. I’m too busy writing Matt Serletic’s name in blood on my shit list.

 

Category 85

Remixer of the Year, Non-Classical

1. Deep Dish
* Barbarella (Deep Dish Armageddon Breakdown Remix) (Sven Vath) (S)
* Mohammad Is Jesus (Deep Dish Daddy Cool Remix) (Deep Dish) (S)
* Music (Deep Dish Dot Com Remix) (Madonna) (T)
* Rise (Deep Dish Hi-Rise Remix) (Gabrielle) (S)
* Sexual (Deep Dish Cheez-Whiz Remix) (Amber) (S)
* True (Deep Dish Poof Daddy Remix) (Morel) (S)

2. Hex Hector
* Feelin’ So Good (Hex Hector Club Mix) (Jennifer Lopez) (S)
* Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche) (Hex Hector Radio Mix) (98) (S)
* I Learned From The Best (HQ2 Club Mix) (Whitney Houston) (S)
* I Turn To You (Hex Hector Radio Mix) (Melanie C) (T)
* Music (HQ2 Radio Mix) (Madonna) (S)
* Spanish Guitar (HQ2 Club Mix) (Toni Braxton) (T)

3. Maurice Joshua
* Don’t Think I’m Not (Digital Black-N-Groove Club Mix) (Kandi) (S)
* Independent Women (Maurice’s Carnival 2000 Mix) (Destiny’s Child) (S)
* It’s Gonna Be Me (Maurice’s Radio Edit) (*NSync) (S)
* Jumpin Jumpin (Digital Black-N-Groove Club Mix) (Destiny’s Child) (S)
* Say My Name (Maurice’s Last Days Of Disco Millenium Mix) (Destiny’s Child) (S)
* Shackles (Praise You) (Maurice’s Carnival 2000 Mix) (Mary Mary) (S)

4. Peter Rauhofer (Club 69)
* Greatest Love Of All (Club 69 Classic Club Mix) (Whitney Houston) (S)
* He Wasn’t Man Enough (Peter Rauhofer’s Trance Mix) (Toni Braxton) (S)
*I Don’t Know What You Want (Peter Rauhofer Roxy Anthem) (Pet Shop Boys) (S)
*I Think I’m In Love (Peter Rauhofer Club Anthem) (Jessica Simpson) (S)
*17 Again (Peter Rauhofer Remix) (Eurythmics) (S)
*Take A Picture (Club 69 Trance Mix) (Filter) (S)

5. Richard Humpty Vission
*Alright (R.H.V. Club Mix) (Devone) (S)
*American Pie (R.H.V. Visits Madonna Mix) (Madonna) (S)
*American Pie (R.H.V. Radio Mix) (Madonna) (S)
*Everybody’s Free 2000 (R.H.V. Cyberfest Mix) (Richard Humpty Vission Featuring Rozalla) (S)
*Music (R.H.V. Phunkytron Mix) (Madonna) (S)
*Shut The F**k Up And Dance (R.H.V. Anthem Mix) (Adrenaline) (S)

I think this might be a DJ award. Well, okay.

Again, right here we can easily see that if Richard Humpty Vission was never created, we could have been spared buckets of tears.

I think Peter Rauhofer has forgotten what year it is. And what music is supposed to sound like.

Maurice Joshua, you’re the DJ of my heart. Spin it, baby.

 

Category 99

Best Short Form Music Video

For an individual track or single promotional clip. Award to the Artist and to the Video Director/Producer.

1. Fire
Busta Rhymes
Busta Rhymes & Hype Williams, video directors; Rubin Mendoza, video producer
[Elektra Entertainment Group]

2. Learn To Fly
Foo Fighters
Jesse Peretz, video director; Tina Nakane, video producer
[RCA/Roswell]

3. What Do You Say
Reba McEntire
Robert Deaton & George Flanigen, video directors; Robert Deaton, George Flanigen & Steve Lamar, video producers
[MCA Nashville]

4. Broken Home
Papa Roach
Marcos Siega, video director; Shirley Moyers, video producer
[DreamWorks Records]

5. Will 2K
Will Smith
Robert Caruso, video director; Jack Hardwicke & Paul Hill, video producers
[Columbia Records]

And we’re ending on this, people. Mostly because I can’t go on. I just want you to take a good look at the man who has beaten all awards ceremonies. Henley, Kravitz, McCartney, Madonna, Simon, Young– they all bow down before the man that can get nominated without even lifting one musical finger. He can just crap around in films and goof off in A video and maybe show up at an awards ceremony or two, and still be considered award worthy.

Ladies and gentlemen, bow down before the award masta that is Will Smith.

You can’t stop him. You can’t even contain him. You can only hope to maybe ignore him. I know we all thought we did a damn fine job of ignoring Will 2K. But he’s even jiggier than anyone could have predicted.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, Dave Grohl and I have some tattooing to do.

 

 

“My ears! My pretty ears!”

 

 

 

 

 

“YM Girlz Rule!”

 

January 3, 2001

Star Style Sources

Where do celebs get one-of-a-kind outfits? Vintage shops.

And their designers. And from their personal shoppers who have the only task of running around looking for their clothes

To catch the thrift drift, head to a used clothing store or garage sale and start scouring. Here, a few tips for finding primo picks:

Man, who writes this shit?

 

  • Be patient. One great piece may be hiding on a rack of so-so duds.Like men.
  • Be a stickler. Make sure garments don’t have holes or stains that you can’t fix yourself.Nice double negative, there.
  • Be creative. Can you update it by shortening, replacing buttons, or accessorizing?Shortening? Nice.

 

ray’s home

and other things

Ray’s home.

He’s learning how to play his new fishing game. Eric is on the computer. I’m on my computer. There are tons of new books and CDs around me. The three of us may never have an actual conversation again.

So, this past weekend I met The Mighty Kymm (check that link for her take on the meeting). She was very cool and nice and brought presents. What more could you ask for?

But I don’t think I convinced her to love Peaches.

It’s funny, because while we were waiting for her to show up, every other person we said, “Is that her?” even though I was pretty sure I’d recognize her if I saw her. I always do that when I’m meeting journallers for the first time. “Is that him?” You always know the second you see them. But for a few seconds before hand you wonder if perhaps they’ve been lying all this time and they actually look completely different.

But if you’re meeting someone with purple hair and a nose ring, chances are you’re gonna recognize her when you see her.

The other night I ended up watching a videotape of myself from ten years ago. How strange. All of these people that were in my life when I was young (some of which are still around). Watching how I used to goof off with my sister, or make stupid videos where I’d have her dress up and say lame jokes I’ve made up. Watching how I used to think I was pretty weird in a group of people that didn’t understand me. Watching myself blush in front of boys. Silly. It was strange to watch myself and know that back then I couldn’t see past this high school world I was living in, and how I spent an awful lot of time eating and talking on the phone. There was a clear moment in the tape when you’ve gone forward a year. It’s noticeable not only because my hair is completely different, but my attitude completely changes. It was the year I started doing theatre. I’m even wearing my high school theatre shirt, sick as a dog, playing “Kountry Kitchen Yum Yum” with my sister and our neighbor. Like, half an hour of tape of us goofing around making grilled cheese sandwiches. Some of it was quite embarrassing, and I probably wouldn’t have sat through it if my friend wasn’t having such a great time making fun of how silly I was.

What else haven’t I caught up on?

The Weezer show was incredibly fun. They didn’t play for as long as I’d like, and they weren’t selling t-shirts, but you know, it’s Weezer. I’m always happy. If you could see into the balcony in these pictures, you’d be able to see us. You can’t, so only follow the link if you’re interested in seeing pictures of Weezer.

Now due to the “am i hot or not” article and photograph of me on the FRONT PAGE of the newspaper, I’ve been getting lots of email from Austin men telling me that I am hot and that they’d like to date me. My mom would be so proud.

I’m really just checking in, here. It’s been kind of vacation mode for the past couple of days around here. Yesterday we went to Santa Monica and I spent too much money buying girlie-girl things for myself.

Ray just caught his first fish. We’re all very proud. I played that game for two hours and I never caught a damn thing.

 

New section:

For whenever I remember, anyway.

For Christmas I got the “YM Girlz Rule!” Day of the week calendar. I figure we can all learn a few things from this.

And since we missed yesterday:

 

 

January 1, 2001

 

Attitude Adjustments

Making “better bod” resolutions for 2001? Keep in mind:

1. The numbers on the scale mean nada: Muscles weighs more than fat.

That means… I’m the strongest woman IN THE WORLD! Fear me!

2. Guys like girls who know how to live, so order that chocolate mousse!

Y’all, ordering mousse is no way to live. Seriously.

3. Set realistic goals and aim for strength, not getting skinny.

Well, okay.

 

 

January 2, 2001

 

Skin Sins

To get a great glow, kick these bad beauty habits pronto!

1. Smoking: It dries out skin and speeds up the wrinkling process– not to mention the death process!

Jokes are not their strong point, people.

2. Squeezing pimples: This can bring on inflammation, infection and scarring.

But it’s FUN.

3. Skipping sunscreen: It can result in dark spots, rough patches, wrinkles, even skin cancer. Always use moisturizer with an SPF of 15 or higher.

No, really. Use sunscreen, y’all.